funny...

someone said this looked like one of my friends...

it's up to you to guess who.

surprise, surprise!

i am alive, after all. it's just been a real busy - at least socially - week for me. otherwise, i've done next to nothing.

right now, i'm sitting in the library coughin'... seems my sinuses are on a hiatus right now. i sound like mufasa (oooh... say it again.). and i probably look like shrek. oh well.

wendellyn came up for her birthday this weekend. word on the street is she cruised and go cruised at the brothel, i mean hotel, she stayed in. haha.

actually, we had a good time. it was a hectic weekend but things went awesome. even convinced him to stay for christine's get-together, which was really nice.

no drama there at all thanks to very adult people. and the food... wow. if i lived near christine, i'd make her cook for me all the time. there are left-overs in my fridge but not for long.

i would have pictures to post but craig hasn't emailed them to me. will call him as soon as i get out of this homeless shelter.

i met a cool guy this weekend, too. his name is denny. very handsome. very nice. and quite possibly someone i will try to keep around.

i got lisa's wedding invitation in the mail today. she's getting married in camilla, not nebraska as i thought. so i will definitely be in south georgia that weekend no matter what. it's april 8, btw. i've yet to meet her man so he better be good. i'd hate to crash the wedding. i haven't seen her, come to think of it, in about -- wow -- i think three years. when i was in vinings. hmmm.

someone in here is wearing jennifer's perfume. reminds me... i need to call her.

i think i am going to go to marrietta tomorrow to hang out with matt. i miss him... haven't seen him in a week or so. bad me.

i need to run... leslee just called and i need to look through the ajc for jobs... i still don't have one.

ugh... it's nasty outside

today is one of the first days that i can i have felt really good. not that i've been in a bad mood... there's just been issues, ya know?

by the way... there are a couple prior entries i have yet to post... i was in alabama with raven this weekend along with her webmaster, so. more on that later. point is, there are other posts i'll upload just not right now. only because i have not had time - nothing juicy, really.

anyway, i came to the library to get the forms to file my taxes. i'm a nerd: i always like to figure mine by myself before i take them to a pro. i trust them... i just like to do it. it's like a puzzle.

i had dinner with craig last night and trent and rashid (sp?). was very nice. we all had hectic weekends, one more than the rest, so conversation certainly wasn't limited or boring. provided quite a few laughs. all good guys, i reckon.

hmmm... then i went to burkhart's to see jonathan and whoever else was to show up, which turned out to be quite a crew. justin and kyle were there. yonnathan. gizzelle, who i didn't recognize in her alter-ego... curtis. jim. just a bunch o' people.

then alex and a friend he had visiting from cleveland showed up. after the show, we went to underground. apparently, alex was wasted and got a cab to his car, leaving his friend with me. the boy didn't know where alex lived (he did, just not how to get there) so he had to stay over and wait for alex to call... which he did a couple hours ago. interesting.

remind me never to go out with alex without cab fare.

hmmm... leah is coming up this weekend with lee. wendell's birthday is sunday. other things are going on, too. gonna have to do some juggling with the social calendar, i guess. we'll see.

i need to run home... i'm hungry and i have the forms to play with now.

anti-valentines day to begin...

so what about all of us who are single, whether by choice or otherwise?

i got seventeen happy valentines day text messages today. ugh. thanks, anyway.

so, we're having an anti-valentines day dinner out. craig and i and... who all knows?

i thought about slashing tires on all the limos in town last night. didn't have the bail money, though.

went to blake's instead... i had to. i had a $10 bar tab i won that would have expired otherwise. good thing i did, too, 'cause i got to jeanine! she even sang! she belongs next to kelly clarkson, really.

we're gonna work on my resume later. perhaps i'll have job soon.

for now, i'm gonna go eat.

gotta eat.

seven and thirteen are always lucky

this is the seventh week of the year… the thirteenth day of february. those are my lucky numbers. Always have been. Seven and thirteen.

So, I guess it was fitting that when my mom called, this time I answered.

She first asked if I was alive, which, by my voice was apparent. Then wasted no time to ask how Hawaii was.

Then for probably twenty minutes we just talked. It was like nothing had happened. And for that time, I was content with that. It was nice. I do have a mom. I’m not crazy. She does care.

But then I thought about the past two years. The times when she left evil messages. The deal with my truck. The fact that I had shingles to which she was clueless yet continued to leave threatening messages without concern for my well-being.

So, I confronted her about it… it was basically to no avail as she had an excuse and placed the blame on my friends for not calling. Me not calling. She held no blame, she thought.

And then that came up… nonchalantly. And we danced around it for a minute. O.k., more than a minute. Again, I was content. But not for long.

She eluded to knowing. She just didn’t use the word. She told me that I knew she disapproved. Ha. Yeah, I know.

But I wanted to hear what she had to say.

“so, you have no problem with my being gay,” I asked.

“Mathew, if you’re gay, you’re gay.”

Hmph. That’s all? No speech? No crying? No lashing out?

Apparently not.

I’ve not come out to her earlier simply because… well, I wasn’t ready and I knew she wasn’t ready, either. She had no support, I reminded myself, even if I did tell her. And, quite frankly, I don’t think it’s everyone’s business. They make it… but it’s not. I’d shutter to think of what some people do in their bedroom… what I do in mine is my business, I think.

Nonetheless, she knows now. and for that I’m happy. I really am. It’s not the huge lifting of a boulder as many have described. But it does seem like there’s a wall missing now between us. Granted, while I still feel lost in the middle of a maze with her on the outside, there’s one less wall.

We talked about the blazer, too, but that just turned sour. I hate that truck. I hate the fact I ever got it. I hate every penny I’ve put into it (to which I have receipts). It’s been nothing but a headache and a wedge since I got it. I’m glad it’s gone…

Well… other than that, I rode down to the airport today to apply for a job but they weren’t hiring as someone told me. oh, at avis. Oh well. Craig is going to help with my resume to submit to bank of America… hope that goes well.

I’ve also decided that I’m going to seek volunteer options at the center for visually impaired. I think it would certainly enrich my life but I also want to be around it to help my decision on whether to change my major back to education for the blind, deaf and handicapped. Maybe I’ll go by there tomorrow. It’s across the street, after all.

I’m proud of myself. Even if no one else is, which I know many are, I am.

Seven and thirteen. Bet on ‘em.

awww... what a fun night.

ladies and gentlemen… welcome to the greatest show on earth!

no, not this dramatic life of mine but the circus!

what a night! on a whim, and a good one, christine decided it’d be fun to go to the circus. So… here we all go, the youngest of us being twenty-four, to Philips arena.

Christine wanted to walk to marta… good choice but so damn cold!... so we wouldn’t have to deal with parking/after traffic.

Come to think of it, marta could have been as much fun.

But anyway… back to the circus. It was sooo fun! We got to see all the elephants, the horses, real zebras (as opposed to fake ones, I guess), llamas and such. And the acrobats. The gymnasts. The clowns.

I was a kid again… loved the circus song, too. Ask me to sing it for you! Kyle and Justin and them loved it. Said I was as good as the original.

They were lying.

Afterwards in the marta station, the cops scolded us for taking pictures. Of course, Christine took one more. We may or may not have encouraged her to. We had her back. Hah. Why no pictures in marta?

And… there was a fairy in training. Poor thing.

We split after marta but no before I got my valentines day gift from Christine… I haven’t looked all the way through it but there were mini oreos, which I immediately gobbled up. I love oreos.

I went to burkhart’s to see jonathan and ran into yonnathan who actually spoke. Apparently it was snowing in hell, too.

Oh yeah, it snowed – a lot – here last night. Was beautiful.

Then… we went to Charlie brown’s for the after-the-bar-closes hang out thingie. Was fun although I don’t remember the show… jonathan and I talked…

A blast from the past was there… Stephen! Seems like he’s matured… voice has changed. Still handsome. Was nice to see him.

I came home… was still wide awake, so I watched a movie. In fact, I’m still wide awake. Think I might go cook some oatmeal.

sorry about the short post!

enough already! you'd think i got paid to write on here. this one will be longer, i swear.

so, last night was really fun... and spontaneous. about the time my stomach started pinching my backbone, christine called and said she was in town. she was hungry, too, when craig called to invite her - again - to a pot-luck dinner and a movie.

what timing!

after my time getting ready, which i promise wasn't that long, we made it over to lindbergh to partake in the festivities. dinner was light as the boys ate most of it, which certainly isn't a normal gay characteristic. no mary kate's and ashley's there.

the movie... you guessed it: steel magnolias. if only i hadn't watched it the night before. haha.

we didn't get to stay for it all but it was nice to see it again. i had talked to wendell about it and described how i felt. he told me i'd be shelby and he was weezer (i know that's not how you spell it). i agree after having watched it a second time.

hahaha. can you imagine wendell trying to tame that damn ugly dog. haha. when i get my lab, i'm gonna make him dog-sit it and aggravate it like shelby's dad did. hahahah.

o.k....

there were several people there i knew. some were decent enough to speak. james wasn't. but, that's typical. it's amazing how much i cared about him yet he's so...

i won't go there.

we left early to head to underground to watch the cat fight of drag idol two. being disco night, there wasn't a lot of talent. there's only so much you can do to that, too. i'd recap it but it's not worth it. (for a better recap, go to raven's messageboard at goddessraven.com)

speaking of raven, she's doing a show at my sister's room tonight. i'm excited. i haven't seen her perform since... probably summer of last year. weird.

i'm about to go have my film developed from my last day in hawaii... there are some pics on there i want to see. i almost stepped on the camera, which reminded me that i hadn't developed it. i love pics!

i forgot how much i hate grocery shoppin'

that's all i've done today... well, i have sent out a few more resumes.

i'm about to watch t.v.

i'm bored as hell.

rather nice day...

i've done nothing, really, today but watch the memorial services for mrs. king. what a woman. who else, as a reverand said during her service, besides coretta could bring four presidents, an army of the house of representatives and senate, governors, mayors, and celebrities... not to count local people and pilgrims from across the nation? she was amazing.

unfortunately, i ... i'll finish that thought in a minute.

the news is on... i'm at matt's. we're gonna have dinner in a minute.

anyway. fred phelps, the idiot from kansas, was at the funeral picketing. how dare they? ugh. he had a sign that read, 'thank god she's dead,' and his usual ' god hates fags.'

apparently we don't serve the same god.

back... i went to sleep a few hours into the funeral service before i was supposed to meet matt at the park. i woke up, called him, went to storage to get some clothes and then to the park.

it was cold so we came here to eat...

speaking of which, it's ready and i'm hungry.

good night, coretta. sleep well.

a friend told me just this week, you don't realize what you've got until it's gone. of course, i've heard - and used - the phrase more than once.

that's certainly the case in phenomenal humanitarian and activist, coretta scott king.

she is among the champions of the civil rights movement, a heralder of equal rights and the exact epitomy of style and grace.

having grown up in georgia, her name as well as her husbands has been one that we hear without fail. in school, i chose her once to write my black history essay upon. it was deliberate. women have always intrigued me. after all, some of the greatest women in the world were my influences.

she, i found, was a woman just as important as her husband. while he spoke on washington, it was certainly her in the background who encouraged mr. king. i'm sure it was her shoulder that he cried on... at least leaned on.

and her children. what a devoted mother they had. what an influence!

it's too bad mrs. king is gone, at least for us. she, i'm certain, is in a better place.

it's now time... as we're still breathing. god continues to give us life. it's time now for us to embrace not only her husbands dream but also her mission of equality, of peace, of one people.

i'll certainly try to embody her and her ideals. i challenge you to do the same.

i love the amorettes...

marcus asked me what i missed while in hawaii. the ladies of burkhart's were certainly one of them.

it's always a fun way to end/begin your week knowing you'll see friends and a guaranteed laugh.

after that, i went to charlie brown's with jonathan, which was a lot of fun. saw even more friends. sonique kicked ass, too.

OH! i have a car to drive, finally. tim is letting me borrow a jetta. it's cute. silver. and it has four wheels, much like those brand new ones on my blazer!

i'm tired... and i have to look for a job.

your daily dose of news...

so, faithful friends and readers of my crazy life... i'm back. been away from internet access for a few days.

i'm at monte's... he's listening to music or doin' something over there. when i walked in, he was dressed in jogging pants, a sweat shirt, sweat band, sunglasses and a hammer. he said the fish were getting on his nerves.

ha.

i'm about to look for jobs. anyone know of anything? yeah, i'm going through this again.

one day i'll be rich.

i like trucks... but not riding in them all day

josh has a dodge ram. one of those big 'uns. i sat in the middle up front because, well, that's where there was room. it was the most uncomfortable place ever.

or was that we rode around atlanta... and i mean around atlanta... for hours.

oh, well. they got some ideas and it was fun. mikie, josh and i even had ice cream at dairy queen. i didn't have probably a pint of ice cream in hawaii yet when i get back here and it's freezing, it's the first thing i want. i know i'm weird.

so... then it was time for my date with my best girlfriend, christine. we went to nikimoto's for sushi, which i've begun to eat since having a sushi chef as a roommate in hawaii. was good.

and so was the conversation. i sware we talked for hours about nothing yet everything.

after dinner we went back to the condo for a glass of wine and a bit of relaxin' before we went to the movie.

we picked hostel from a list christine had prepared... hahahaha. it was good. porn for 45 minutes then torture the remainder. it was great. i don't think christine saw it all but she didn't call me sleepless in the middle of the night, so... at least i don't think she did.

she dropped me off at wet bar to meet mikie & company. you know, i'm not all that impressed with the renovations. it's nice but doesn't look much different from blu. more bathrooms, sure, and then there is the patio and back bar. nothing impressive, though.

so... at closing time, we went home and crashed.

i'm so exhausted.

walking... after midnight... technically.

it's always after midnight, though, right?

today was semi-productive. rainy and cold. walking to find a job. went to a couple places i'd worked before to talk to the men in black. i can have a job if i want it... i don't want to wait on people anymore. not with food, anyway.

i saw mikie, from valdosta, last night in burkhart's. he, john, josh and cal are up for the weekend. they're thinking of moving here so i'm going to take them around atlanta to look for homes/apartments. should be fun.

oh! about leah.

actually, this post is a private-public post. interesting. most of it is in my head but i think i should share...

christine and i agreed the other night that things happen for a reason. this is but one of them.

i was trying! to take a nap when the phone was vibrating off the table. apparently everyone wanted to talk to me. in my usual style, i just pressed the silent button and turned over only to slip into the last letter of the alphabet over and over and over.

obviously i have many persistent friends as several called many times over.

there were several 229 area codes so i assumed something was up, especially when one was my mom's cell number. it wasn't her: it was leah, my sister. (my blood half-sister)

she and her boyfriend/promise-ring fiancee were in town to see a friend who was in the hospital. she thought i was in still in hawaii. i wasn't so i hopped a cab down to the hilton where she and lee were having a drink and playing pool.

three hours later, i think i'm closer to her than i've ever been. she's turned into such a lady, although she's still a redneck (and i mean that lovingly, i sware). her accent made me smile. made me feel like... i don't know what. it was just a peaceful moment listening to her talk and hearing her twang.

she has -- and i guess i have, too -- grown up. there's not bitterness in her voice. she reminded me over and over how she loves me, no matter what.

that no matter what, though, she says my mom has a problem with. i've always assumed my mom knew i was gay. after all, she found a note i wrote to some phone pal way back when. i denied it, called her the lesbian and we left it that. besides, i was still dating girls at the time so he hopes weren't all shattered.

anyway, my mom, she says, knows i'm gay. in fact, the whole family knows. they want to hear it from me, she said.

hmmmn... i could tell them. but why? i would have already told my mom, but she has not been there for me. why should i share such a major thing with her? she wouldn't accept it anyway, even leah said that. my mom even told leah that.

so what's the point? i have to think on that one.

also, leah said mom told her i'd always be welcome at her home... just never a guy. how fair is that? leah can bring lee... well, i was gonna give examples of my brothers bringing their wives but both of them who were married are divorced now.

anyway... leah knows. she supports me. she loves me. i love and respect her.

it was a nice day. and she's even coming back in a couple weeks. perhaps i'll introduce her to y'all.

wait till you hear her say that.

pink is, after all, one of my favorite colors.

thinking of that, i have no clue why i didn't wear a pink shirt. probably would have been tacky, though.

so... kelley picked me up this morning and we were off to the q100 studios to meet pink, an artist i know very little about. nonetheless, kelley wanted me to go so that it'd be 'more fun.'

that it was.

there were just a few of us who got to meet pink. she was interviewed in the studio with us - we were on the front row - for about thirty minutes on air. each of us were asked to submit a question... kelley got to ask hers on air!

it was a blast.

pink (alisha) seemed to be very much down to earth. many things she said i could relate to, including why she wrote one of her songs on her new album. of course, i don't recall which one right now, but... she said she was counseling her friends who returned the favor when one asked at thirteen, what did she need.

a hug, she said. that's what she needed. she would have 'kicked your ass' but that's what she needed. i could relate. still can, really.

did you know she proposed to her husband? i don't remember his name either. anyway... he's a bike rider so she worked in the pits the day she proposed. apparently there are these message boards through which the crew communicates with her husband. they're like chalk boards, she said, and are normally used to tell the rider what place he is in, hurry up, etc...

so, she writes on it, 'will you marry me?' he almost wrecked, she said, almost injuring himself and another rider.

he thought it was a joke but said yes.

a girl asked if she could have pinks wedding dress. she said it has chocolate all over it from the feeding of each other cake... haha.

oh, and her dad through her in the ocean at her reception.

and, the two of them used to pick fights together.

she was fun! thanks kelley!

we all have a story... all a brokeback mountain.

o.k. so, wendell's gonna kill me. i watched brokeback mountain. but, it was on the computer (before it froze) and then on the iPod for the remainder. (matt has connections with the golden globes and got an award preview copy).

anyway... i wasn't prepared for how good it would be. or how many questions it'd answer yet so many more it'd propose.

wendell's watched it three times, i believe and was quite upset i chose not to see it while he was here.

i, like him, could watch it over and over.

i dare everyone to sit down and watch this movie. you'll not be the same.

this is what i believe: we all have a story. we all have our own brokeback mountain.

i won't give too much of the plot away (like monte!) quit reading here is you haven't seen it.

the romance isn't flashy. it happens, much like most cindarella stories. it appears to be true love. a love, possibly, deeper than family. a love that neither of the men know until it's practically too late.

they work together over the summer herding sheep when they realize that there's a connection. i think this is much like the boys-will-be-boys part in our teens that some grow out of while others don't.

then there's the time when they go their seperate ways yet yearn for the touch, the attention of the other.

then that happens.

then you want to run away. you are watching this and know it's a movie but you're mad. sad. you're pissed. you're just an emotional wreck. and it's a movie, for christ's sake!

we all have our place. our person. some are right in front of our noses. we know where they are. others have gone astray.

what do you do when that happens?

i want to see it again. i want everyone to see it. i want everyone to understand it. hell, i'd even like to live it.

wouldn't we all, though?

so, guess who's coming to dinner?

pink!

kelley just called. lucky bitch that she is, she won yet something else off the radio.

before, it was a diamond ring.

now, she gets to meet pink and sit in studio at q100 in the morning. she gets one guest and that's me!!!

she even dumped the girl that was supposed to go for me. what a friend. i love her!

oh, did i say i'm going an you're not?

i should have!

breaking news...

Coretta Scott King, who turned a life shattered by the assassination of her husband, the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr., into one devoted to enshrining his legacy of human rights and equality, has died. She was 78.

Former mayor Andrew Young broke the news during a phone call he made to the "Today" show. Young was a former civil rights activist and who was close to the King family. Asked how he found out about her death, Young said: "I understand she was asleep last night and her daughter tried to wake her up." (from ajc.com)

i always wondered... where will she be buried since mr. king is entombed alone?

alright... a real post.

here's another pic from the ship. this is at ocean drive bar, the pool bar on deck eleven. it was taken in november, i believe, and it appears that we're in port in honolulu, thus the leis and no people around.

anyway... i'm wasting no time on the job search (other than playing with the pics, etc.). i've applied with turner for a couple jobs at turner field. i'd love to work there but i'd much rather be at the games! regardless, it's a job at this point. perhaps there's room to move up... i don't know.

is it alright to just not give a damn right now? i'm not in a bad mood at all. i just am really wanting to go back to school and everything i apply for seems like a permanent position. of course, i don't want to start and quit anything again, although i'm sure i will since i'm not an adult yet.

makes sense to me, anyway.

i met christine, kyle and justin at blake's last night for family feud. we visited a while before kyle and i were recruited by mary edith pitts to play. we skunked the other team, like 877 to 130 or something. got a tee and ten dollar bar tab.

it was then over to burkhart's to see mary... er, richard. he's lost 35 pounds since i've been gone. looks awesome.

speaking of awesome, christine... wow. i kept catching myself looking at her. her face looks so much more mature. her wrists were elegant when she talked. even her laugh was different. you can tell she's happy. and i am, too. i love to see people smile and her smile radiates the room.

tim and tristan were at burkharts so i got to see them, too. well, i got to meet tristan. speaking of tim, i'm supposed to call him in a min. mental note to self.

craig is in town so i have to call him, too. better run and do that.

and get back to job hunting.

ugh.

confused...

so my mom just called. said she loves and misses me? i wonder if she's reminded of that by the vehicle that sits in her yard?

finally! i can share pics!

this is a picture taken around christmas time. it's justin, my best friend on the ship. he, brian and i all graduated together at piney point and were roommates there. justin and i remained roommates on the ship...

i think i'm going to edit the other pics i have (crop, etc.) and then upload them onto shutterfly or something so i can share...

i was telling someone yesterday my only regret -- well, one regret -- was not taking more pictures! oh well.