this experience can only get better...

when i say that i am having an awesome time, it's certainly an understatement. i have three great roommates, all of which come from different areas yet have the most open minds and awesome personalities. we all get along great...

we're the only four bartenders, which makes things even better. our schedules are exact so we're together pretty much all day except for lunch when i venture out to meet some of the other 70 people here. i've met some awesome people.

i knew that this would be a life-changing experience but i'll have to explain that more when i have more time. the world isn't flat anymore, ya know?

anyway, my limit is about up. i have to eat at 5:15 then go to a welcoming luau.

class was great today... i'll have to write more about the skit kyle and i wrote and directed to portray what we've learned so far. very military, very funny and, of course, the best of the day.

later.

not much time to post, but...

i'm here. in class. a lot.

much like boot camp; very regimented and strict. everyone is very polite, though, and i'm having a blast.

i only have limited internet access, just fifteen minutes a day. so, call me or send e-mails but don't expect a long response.

i'm already missing my friends but am quickly gaining new ones.

later.

t minus nineteen hours...

or somewhere about that, i'll be leaving. i fly out in the morning on delta flight 1400 at nine-fifteen. that means i'll have to be up a little early... much to my dismay. i'm nervous and excited at the same time.

many of my friends and aquaintances joined me last night at blake's for my send-off. only a few people who i wanted to be there weren't. some had good excuses while others didn't. but, i understand, i guess. it'll just be six months until i see them again. here's a link :: http://share.shutterfly.com/action/welcome?sid=9AaMmTFs5aMfg

training is going to be intense... seven a.m. until five p.m. each day, seven days a week. i'm not certain how internet access will be. if it's convenient, i'll post and send/receive e-mails. i'll still have my cell as well. (that rhymed)

gotta run... going to see juan, then monte and jennifer is at my loft waiting to go to ikea. i still have to pack, too.

everything is taken care of, i believe. yay!

aloha, y'all.

rather productive day...

my day started when that damn alarm clock went off. don't you hate those things? as much as i do, i have to go buy a battery-operated one for training... ugh. and, i'll have to set it around six a.m. as training is from seven a.m. until five. yay, right?

i'll make it. i'm determined.

warm water woke me as i showered and the new face gel i'm using invigorated me... i needed it. the wind was whipping the whole way home yesterday so i was tense and tired when i got home.

i called tom and asked if he'd like to ride with me to forsyth to pay for the traffic ticket i got last month. we really sat the way there since there was a major accident: it took almost two-and-a-half hours to drive seventy miles.

apparently, i semi rig ran off the road and into a bridge girder. i don't know how the driver or any passengers could have survived as the cab was disintegrated. it was one of the most horrific sights i've seen.

on to forsyth, though... i paid the ticket, which was $140. hated that. then, because of the coast guard's instructions, i asked the lady to correct my name... with one t... but she got mad. she rudely asked for my license to even see if i was telling the truth.

sure enough, there it is: m-a-t-h-e-w. she hit a few keys and handed me a new receipt, which still had two other m-a-t-t-h-e-w's on it. i pointed those out only to be told she couldn't fix any more. don't we hire the best in government?

since we measured the backed-up traffic and determined it was more than eight miles sitting on the asphault, i called leslee to get angel's number. she's doing extremely well... she's opened a restaurant in jackson.

so, we called and stopped by for a bite to eat to pass time. the place is very cute and more than i expected. it's very nice and well equipped and not too far off the interstate. debbie, her aunt, was there and had cooked the daily special, which was homemade vegetable stew with rice and cornbread. mmmm... go by if you ever have a chance. it's about two miles east of exit 198.

i'm working on re-doing her menu as soon as i finish posting.

i have a few more things to take care of tomorrow then my going-away gathering at blake's tomorrow night. only a couple things to do thursday and then i'll be headed to maryland for training.

did everyone forget to tell me that it's winter in atlanta? i came back from south georgia and it's freezing. note: don't wear flip-flops and a short-sleeved shirt... and always remember your jacket.

i'm so tired of this...

a year-and-a-half ago, i made a very difficult decision to wait on my mother to contact me on her own. she hasn't. and i'm still catching wrath for both from within and out.

perhaps i'm wrong. but i believe i am right and until someone can prove me otherwise, i'll stick to my decision.

my aunt sent me another e-mail in response to the one i posted on here. she wasn't happy but i don't care. as you'll read under comments, i believe it is only because she doesn't want the bad side of my family exposed.

what most people don't realize is that i'm not trying to hurt anyone. i'm not name-calling or throwing blame. what i'm doing is defending my position on what i believe has always been a dysfunctional relationship and one that i want repaired so badly.

like i've said before, i'm in the middle. i waiting to be met there.

the e-mail follows:

Mathew,

I am almost speechless at all the garbage I read on your blog. First let me say that I do not appreciate your publishing my email for all your friends and so-called admirers to read. Had I wanted it open to the public, I would have put it there myself. How very convenient of you to block those who want to post anonymously, especially since those are the negative ones! I don't know why people won't sign their names, but you certainly know me well enough to know that the last thing I am is a coward. I'm proud to say that I inherited this trait for your other grandmother.

Along those lines, I hope you don't believe that Mrs. Palmer was the least bit a better person than my mother. On the contrary, Waiver had a few more skeletons in her closet than my mother, yet she had the audacity to talk about Kay's parenting skills (or lack as she put it). Before you're so quick to criticize Kay and paint your grandmother as an angel, I suggest you leave it alone, or I will enlighten you otherwise. Enough said.

I've heard enough about your poor, pitiful life and your caustic remarks about your mother and the rest of our family to make me sick. This only proves further that you are a very disturbed young man who desperately needs psychiatric help, and the pathetic thing is you are so arrogant and self centered that you don't even realize it.

The hurtful remark about Greg is unforgivable. What would make you say that he's mentally retarded? Greg's disabilities are the direct result of the same auto accident that killed his brother, put John in intensive care for months, and left him there for many months. Also, two brain surgeries added to his problems. But how would you know because you WERE NOT THERE!!

You seem to be quite adept at forming opinions when you don't know what you're talking about, and your comment about John not being raised by Kay is a case in point. I won't go into the details about John's upbringing, but be assured that, once again, you're giving your opinion about something you know ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about. As the journalist wannabe that you are, you should know to get your facts straight.

As far as your comments about Dave are concerned, I suppose he chose the Army to escape the horrible living conditions at home (you know - 10 & 15 people living there at once, NO family vacations, etc.)----- but wait, Dave was the golden child who got everything he wanted, so why would he want to leave home? Scratch that one.

Leah did graduate from high school and is enrolled in classes at Thomas Tech. Last I heard, she was doing great. And, she is living alone, supporting herself with two jobs - one at Mitchell Co. Equipment and the other at Georgia Power. Another case of your not having the facts.

I could go on and on, but why? With all of this said, please take your inflated ego, your biting criticisms, your lies and gross misconceptions and be content with the decision you have made. Should anything happen to your mother, I have been asked that you not be notified, and I will honor that request.


Betty

P.S. I'm checking into doing my own "Dear Betty" column - for those who care. Thanks for the idea.

i'm not the only one who isn't perfect...

only members of my journal may post online at this time!

due to freak-a-zoid, folks, now only members of my journal can post comments online. if you'd like to comment, please send me an e-mail at mathew@mathewwithonet.net. i will send you an invite, which will ask you to choose a user name, password and supply your e-mail address.

this way, although i'm not ashamed of those things posted, i can better control the content on here. it is never my desire to hide from my past nor those things present. having said that, the comments which appear on my journal will not be deleted.

i strongly urge any and every person reading my journal to learn one thing from me: don't be afraid to say what you think but be brave enough to attach your name and reputation to your thoughts. i've put my life and a large percentage of what goes on it online. i'm not ashamed of who i am.

if you desire not to post online and still have something to say about a post, feel free to e-mail me. i'm tired of cowards. it's time i get the chance to respond directly to the stranger who wants to critique my life yet leave his/hers in the shadows.

happy days...

now for a real post, i guess.

let's see... where do i start. all of you know i'm not perfect. i was trying to keep that from everyone.

i got up yesterday and baked a banana pudding. it was good but the meringue turned out like shit. i think i spread it too thinly. oh well.

then i watched the uga game, which was pretty darned good. i wish i had been in athens with niki to watch it. bet she was a sight! haha. they won so they're still undefeated. wouldn't it be cool if they stayed that way? florida is next then i think they're off a week before auburn. we'll see.

after that i napped, then went out to eat. we ate at seafood by the bay... haha... which turned out to be a treat. first, the flounder i ordered disintegated on my plate. literally. then about four hours later i got sick as a dog. i felt like crap.

we were in valdosta when that kicked in... the club was alright. still no better than last week but several friends were there so it was nice to see them before i leave south georgia and especially before i leave the continental u.s.

speaking of which, i'm leaving south georgia probably around lunch tomorrow. i have a lot to do between now and friday. let's hope i have time...

speaking of which, i sent out evites for my going away gathering. if you didn't get one, e-mail me for details (mathew@mathewwithonet.net).

until next time, stayed tuned in...

more dialogue...

at first, i didn't want all this to be so public. but, i do appreciate those of you who have talked to me about this whether on the phone or e-mail and have told me who you are. maybe this will be seen by the right person.

i've taken all the advice i can. let me tell you, my decision has not been a rash one. as you'll see in my reply to tom's e-mail below, it's been a long time coming.


Mathew,

I don’t mind taking a turn in the reality check for a bit. While I have my moment of fame let me provide some additional personal information for the fodder, which is that I have a son who is 26 years old.

I don’t have a relationship with my son as I figure the ball is in his court now that he is an adult and can make his own choices of who he wants in his life. I just can’t keep hitting a brick wall any more; (the groveling) the list of my wrongs goes on and on.

There are so many things I could have done differently as a father. The word is hard to use, because it does not apply to me. I have so many “could haves, would haves and should haves”. I should have stayed in my home town and took any job that was available in order to be a “father” to my son every weekend.

Oh, but I did not want to work at a gas station in a small town with few good jobs in order to go fishing with my son on weekends. Instead, I chose a high tech career the promotions, traveling the world and living in Europe. I thought phone calls and visits a few times a year were enough. I did not know where he was living at times and had to find out through school transfer records, but I found him and then took him out shopping for the holidays.

I always told him “what is the one thing I never want you to forget?” He would say “that you love me”. I was always honest with him about what I am and also believed that was enough. I could not understand why he always seemed to have a “chip” on his shoulder, carrying around this sense of entitlement of “I’m owed” and this man that for some reason thinks he is my father is going to have to grovel if he wants to be part of my life.

I thought I tried to do the best I could with the tools that I had to work with and he would understand because that was enough. One of the last times we spoke he said that he did me a favor by taking my phone calls over the years.

My mom and dad used to say: “wait until you have kids” as a young man I knew they did not know what they were talking about. It was an awesome experience to hold my son for the first time in the delivery room, I thought bonding and the biological parenting instinct was only something that happened to mothers.

Believe me, he had every toy he wanted, we went snowmobiling, fishing and camping, for the 5 years we were all together. However, in the last few years no matter how many times I’ve tried to call him and tell him I love him, I know I failed him as a Father and I’m going to be paying for that a very long time. I can tell you first hand that “pay backs are a bitch”.

a little about me

since all my decisions are being ripped to shreds and my incredibilty questioned, i thought i'd share this latest 'behavioral research survey' i just completed for work. it's quite interesting, actually. almost like a horoscope; some things are right on while others are a little questionable.

"He who knows others is learned. He who knows himself is wise." –Lao Tse

INTRODUCTION :: Behavioral research suggests that the most effective people are those who understand themselves, both their strengths and weaknesses, so they can develop strategies to meet the demands of their environment. A person's behavior is a necessary and integral part of who they are. In other words, much of our behavior comes from "nature" (inherent), and much comes from "nurture" (our upbringing). It is the universal language of "how we act," or our observable human behavior.

In this report we are measuring four dimensions of normal behavior.

1. how you respond to problems and challenges.
2. how you influence others to your point of view.
3. how you respond to the pace of the environment.
4. how you respond to rules and procedures set by others.

This report analyzes behavioral style; that is, a person's manner of doing things. Is the report 100% true? Yes, no and maybe. We are only measuring behavior. We only report statements from areas of behavior in which tendencies are shown. To improve accuracy, feel free to make notes or edit the report regarding any statement from the report that may or may not apply, but only after checking with friends or colleagues to see if they agree.

"All people exhibit all four behavioral factors in varying degrees of intensity." –W.M. Marston

BASIC CHARACTERISTICS :: Based on Mathew's responses, the report has generated general behavioral statements to provide information on his natural behavior. That is, if left on his own, HOW HE WOULD CHOOSE TO DO THE JOB.

Mathew will work hard at achieving his goals. He loves to win and hates to lose. He displays a high energy factor and is optimistic about the results he can achieve. The word "can't" is not in his vocabulary. He is often considered daring, bold and gutsy. He is a risk taker who likes to be seen as an individualist. He prefers being a team player, and wants each player to contribute along with him.

Mathew has high ego strengths and may be viewed by some as egotistical. He wants to be viewed as self-reliant and willing to pay the price for success. He embraces visions not always seen by others. Mathew's creative mind allows him to see the "big picture." Most people see him as a high risk-taker. His view is, "nothing ventured, nothing gained."

Mathew is an aggressive individual who wins through hard work and persistence; that is, he will come up with a good idea and follow through. He can be successful at many things, not because of versatility but rather because of his determination to win. Mathew prefers authority equal to his responsibility. Sometimes he becomes emotionally involved in the decision-making process. When faced with a tough decision, he will try to sell you on his ideas. He has the unique ability of tackling tough problems and following them through to a satisfactory conclusion.

Mathew is decisive and prefers to work for a decisive manager. He can experience stress if his manager does not possess similar traits. He is a good problem solver and troubleshooter, always seeking new ways to solve old problems. He finds it easy to share his opinions on solving work-related problems.

Mathew challenges people who volunteer their opinions. He likes people who give him options as compared to their opinions. The options may help him make decisions, and he values his own opinion over that of others! He may sometimes mask his feelings in friendly terms. If pressured, Mathew's true feelings may emerge. He tends to influence people by being direct, friendly and results-oriented.

Mathew has the ability to ask the right questions and destroy a shallow idea. Some people may feel these questions are a personal attack upon their integrity; however, this is just his way of getting the appropriate facts. He likes people who present their case effectively. When they do, he can then make a quicker assessment or decision. He may lose interest in what others are saying if they ramble or don't speak to the point. His active mind is already moving ahead.

WORK CHARACTERISTICS :: Mathew sees his present work environment requiring him to exhibit the behavior listed on this page. If the following statements DO NOT sound job related, explore the reasons why he is adapting this behavior.

• Optimistic, future-oriented outlook.
• Maintaining an ever-changing, friendly, work environment.
• Making tactful decisions.
• Dealing with a wide variety of work activities.
• Anticipating and solving problems.
• Flexibility.
• Participative decision making.
• Positive, outgoing, friendly behavior.
• Skillful use of vocabulary for persuasive situations.
• Preferring people involvement over task focus.
• Motivating people to take action by using persuasive skills.

VALUE TO THE TEAM :: This section of the report identifies Mathew's value to the team.

• Has the confidence to do the difficult assignments.
• Accomplishes goals through people.
• Creative in his approach to solving problems.
• Can support or oppose strongly.
• Will join organizations to represent the company.
• Self-starter.
• Usually makes decisions with the bottom line in mind.

VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION :: This section identifies the behavior Mathew brings to the organization.

• Will join organizations to represent the company.
• Usually makes decisions with the bottom line in mind.
• Innovative.
• Positive sense of humor.
• Tenacious.
• Optimistic and enthusiastic.
• Creative in his approach to solving problems.
• Motivates others towards goals.

EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION :: Most people are aware of and sensitive to the ways with which they prefer to be communicated. Many people find this section to be extremely accurate and important for enhanced interpersonal communication. This page provides other people with a list of things to DO when communicating with Mathew. Read each statement and identify the 3 or 4 statements which are most important to him. We recommend highlighting the most important "DO's" and provide a listing to those who communicate with Mathew most frequently.

DO:

• Provide facts and figures about probability of success, or effectiveness of options.
• Expect him to return to fight another day when he has received a "no" answer.
• Flatter his ego.
• Provide questions, alternatives and choices for making his own decisions.
• Ask specific (preferably "what?") questions.
• Define the problem in writing.
• Clarify any parameters in writing.
• Provide "yes" or "no" answers--not maybe.
• Support the results, not the person, if you agree.
• Present the facts logically; plan your presentation efficiently.
• Support and maintain an environment where he can be efficient.
• Be clear, specific, brief and to the point.

DON'TS ON COMMUNICATING :: This section of the report is a list of things NOT to do while communicating with Mathew. Review each statement with Mathew and identify those methods of communication that result in frustration or reduced performance. By sharing this information, both parties can negotiate a communication system that is mutually agreeable.

DON'T:

• Forget or lose things, be disorganized or messy, confuse or distract his mind from business.
• Come with a ready-made decision, or make it for him.
• Direct or order.
• Be paternalistic.
• Try to build personal relationships.
• Be redundant.
• Let him overpower you with verbiage.
• Let disagreement reflect on him personally.
• Ramble on, or waste his time.
• Muffle or overcontrol.
• Try to convince by "personal" means.

COMMUNICATION TIPS :: This section provides suggestions on methods which will improve Mathew's communications with others. The tips include a brief description of typical people with whom he may interact. By adapting to the communication style desired by other people, Mathew will become more effective in his communications with them. He may have to practice some flexibility in varying his communication style with others who may be different from himself. This flexibility and the ability to interpret the needs of others is the mark of a superior communicator.

When communicating with a person who is ambitious, forceful, decisive, strong-willed, independent and goal-oriented:

• Be clear, specific, brief and to the point.
• Stick to business.
• Be prepared with support material in a well-organized "package."

Factors that will create tension or dissatisfaction:

• Talking about things that are not relevant to the issue.
• Leaving loopholes or cloudy issues.
• Appearing disorganized.

When communicating with a person who is magnetic, enthusiastic, friendly, demonstrative and political:

• Provide a warm and friendly environment.
• Don't deal with a lot of details (put them in writing).
• Ask "feeling" questions to draw their opinions or comments.

Factors that will create tension or dissatisfaction:

• Being curt, cold or tight-lipped.
• Controlling the conversation.
• Driving on facts and figures, alternatives, abstractions.

When communicating with a person who is patient, predictable, reliable, steady, relaxed and modest:

• Begin with a personal comment--break the ice.
• Present your case softly, nonthreateningly.
• Ask "how?" questions to draw their opinions.

Factors that will create tension or dissatisfaction:

• Rushing headlong into business.
• Being domineering or demanding.
• Forcing them to respond quickly to your objectives.

When communicating with a person who is dependent, neat, conservative, perfectionist, careful and compliant:

• Prepare your "case" in advance.
• Stick to business.
• Be accurate and realistic.

Factors that will create tension or dissatisfaction:

• Being giddy, casual, informal, loud.
• Pushing too hard or being unrealistic with deadlines.
• Being disorganized or messy.

TEAM EFFECTIVENESS FACTORS :: Mathew's behavioral work style may or may not be compatible with other team members. Each team member brings their own strengths and weaknesses. This section of the report allows his strengths and weaknesses to be analyzed. Remember, a strength can turn into a weakness if overextended.

STRENGTH - Strong ego. POTENTIAL WEAKNESS - Possibility of offending others if "overdone."

STRENGTH - Seeks responsibility. POTENTIAL WEAKNESS - Overuses position of power and authority.

STRENGTH - Believes in getting results through people. POTENTIAL WEAKNESS -None.

STRENGTH - Sets high standard for self and others. POTENTIAL WEAKNESS -Standards may be so high they are impossible to achieve.

STRENGTH - Seeks challenges and problems to solve. POTENTIAL WEAKNESS -Takes on too many and may forget priorities.

STRENGTH - Straightforward communicator. POTENTIAL WEAKNESS - May make remarks that are untimely or untactful.

STRENGTH - Result- and goal-oriented. POTENTIAL WEAKNESS - May overstep authority to achieve goals.

PERCEPTIONS :: A person's behavior and feelings may be quickly telegraphed to others. This section provides additional information on Mathew's self-perception and how, under certain conditions, others may perceive his behavior. Understanding this section will empower Mathew to project the image that will allow him to control the situation.

SELF-PERCEPTION :: Mathew usually sees himself as being:

• Pioneering
• Assertive
• Competitive
• Confident
• Positive
• Winner

OTHERS' PERCEPTION :: Under moderate pressure, tension, stress or fatigue, others may see him as being:

• Demanding
• Nervy
• Egotistical
• Aggressive

And, under extreme pressure, stress or fatigue, others may see him as being:

• Abrasive
• Controlling
• Arbitrary

e-mail from tom...

many of you have expressed concern that at least one anonymous poster may have been tom... here's the latest e-mail from him.

Mathew

I honestly hope you find out who is posting on your site as I've posted my name and have no problems telling you directly how I feel. I know I'm a likely suspect because I strongly agree with 75% or more of what people have said. Some people have said it better than I can and know a lot more information about you than I do.

However, where I disagree is that what I've done financially for you has been out my own free will, and love for a guy. If its been the wrong thing to do, then I have ONLY myself to blame.

Until you have your answers go ahead and use my name with your morphine comment. I'm actually interested in how people feel about providing my mother with as much morphine as possible while she screams in agony to anyone who will listen from the pain of ovarian cancer. If someone wants to tell me how wrong I was, then I really do want to hear why. I really am interested in others experiences. Any topic about me is open for the grist mill. The anon part does not concern me in the least, just as long as I get to respond.

Meanwhile I'll continue to think about some ways to set up a scholarship fund for Tristan Kyle Palmer at Georgia State if his dad decides not to attend. I won't be needing anything where I'm going to wind up anyway, exept an air conditioner. For me it really has been all about you (except I won't be a door mat for anyone).

Love
Tom

i have responded to him directly and normally would not post personal information. however, in this case, personal has become public.

my aunt throws her hat into the ring...

i thought i'd share the latest e-mail weighing in on the situation with my mother. under normal circumstances, i'd not share this with the public. perhaps through all this one might be able to have a better understanding of where i am coming from.

Mathew,

Someone told me that you were in South Georgia working at the Expo this past week, yet you didn't have the decency to contact your mother. She called me yesterday to ask if I had heard from you and I told her no, and that I didn't expect to. After all, I am the one who sold you the Blazer that cost you so much money in repairs, or at least that's what you told Brannon. It doesn't matter to me how mad you are or what you say about me.

As you and I have discussed many times, there are things in your past that could have been different and better, but you aren't the only one with a not-so-perfect childhood. The problem is that you refuse to let it go. Do you care how your mother felt when someone told her they saw you at the Expo, yet you were too busy to take the time to call or come to see her? And this is the same thing that you did when your grandmother died. Do you think you can sneak into town and no one will see you and tell Kay? Sale City is too small for that much privacy. Where does all this bitterness and resentment come from? I'm no psychologist, but I think a lot of it comes as a result of things you were told as you were growing up by some of the Palmer family. (The settlement check is blood money, welfare money, etc.). The irony is that Kay was always nice to your grandmother and spoke very highly of her. I'm sure that the comments came from your aunts as I can't imagine your grandmother spewing such ridiculous garbage. I can assure you of one thing. Never, ever would Robert think or imply that the $700 a month I received in child support for years should have been handed over to him instead of paying for living expenses, and I can assure you that $700 a month isn't a drop in the bucket compared to what it costs to raise a child. Whether you have one child or five, you still have to feed, clothe and provide shelter for your family, and $700 merely scratches the surface. I've been there and I know.

The position you put your mother in because of the Blazer is unthinkable. Did you really tell Ray Muggridge that you have been sending the payments to her and Charles and that they have been spending the money? If you did, that is a very flimsy excuse as you could have mailed the payments directly to the bank, especially if you thought they were taking the money! I suppose they will have to pay your old parking tickets that you chose to ignore as the law has contacted YOUR MOTHER to pay them or she will lose her driver's license. Just be glad that I didn't co-sign the Blazer note with you because if I were forced to make the payments, I would be the one driving it, and it would be parked in MY YARD. And don't bother to tell me that this is none of my business because Kay discussed it with me, and it is her business.

Here's some unsolicited advice. Take the time to reflect on your life, especially over the past few years, and realize how very unstable things have been. Who's to blame? Not your mother! In all of my years, I've never met another person who has had as many jobs as you. And I can assure you that there have been many times that I have been so fed up with my job that I wanted to walk out, but I didn't. Jumping from job to job to job to job and moving from here to there is not normal behavior, regardless of how you try to justify it. You have issues that need to be resolved or you'll never settle down and be happy (although I'm sure you think you're happy now.)

I am not saying these things to make you mad or hurt you, but saying them because I love you, I love my sister and want you to realize what you're doing before it's too late. Please let the bitterness go, and realize that you are hurting yourself at the same time you're hurting others.


Aunt Betty

another day in the neighborhood.

i'm home again. budweiser never tasted so great. mmm... relaxin.

i think i may leave for atlanta tomorrow, although i'm not sure. i have a lot of stuff i have to take care of before i fly out on friday. i did take care of some things here.

i bought two duffle bags... my luggage has to be collapsable. so much for the two-hundred dollars worth of luggage i bought with airtran. and the set my grandmother gave me for graduation. before long, i'll have enough to store my whole loft in luggage.

i also got the locks i needed but forgot the v-neck tees. i hate them but my contact said i had no option. they had to be v-neck. i have to have something snug around my neck. v-necks always feel like a stretched-out shirt to me. one more thing, perhaps, that i'll have to grow accustomed to.

i work briefly this afternoon at the expo, again. before leaving, i took just three bunches of bananas out of one of three boxes left over. i'm gonna bake a banana pudding in a minute. it's gonna be g-o-o-d good.

i'm gonna run. gotta start thinking about what i want to do as a going-away party or what-have-ya.

i know who you are...

thanks to a gadget jenn told me about, i now know at least one anonymous poster. ip addresses don't lie.

i have your number, asshole.

who needs mtv?

ladies and gentleman, welcome to my reality show.

i'm awake, although i think i could sleep four-hundred more hours. i just got up. i can't complain, though. this is the latest i've slept since i've been here.

leslee, jennifer and i stayed up watching television and chatting. i had to give leslee her full body massage she always demands. little brat. i tell her it costs twenty dollars but she never pays me. cheap ass. i guess this one can be free after the awesome dinner i had last night...

i'm on my way back to the expo. it's time to rewind everything. take down all the stuff we put up last week and turn the instant city back into a once-active air force base.

i'm hungry. normally i don't eat when i first wake up but lately i've been starving... maybe i'll get something on the way to moultrie.

i'm leaving... on a jet plane...

don't know when i'll be back again!

i got the call today (in the middle of breaking down our booth at the expo!) that i will be leaving for training... friday, as in next week. i'm stoked but - wow - such short notice. i plan to work on arrangements for my going-away party soon. tentatively, i think it'll be wednesday. if i want you to come, you'll receive an e-vite or a phone call.

i'm really excited about this opportunity. i felt good about it when i saw the ad in the paper and put all my effort into it. now that training is coming up, i'm even more excited for the challenge ahead. i always wanted to be a flight attendant and was successful. i can't say that i ever wanted to work on a cruise ship but my goal is to be successful in it as well.

everyone always asks how long 'this job' will last. that, i can't guarantee. being gone for five months at a time is going to be different and hard, i'm sure. but there are so many more pros than cons that i'm going for it. it'll give me time to work on my book, earn great money and pay off bills here... if everything goes as i hope, i'll be doing great this time next year.

i'll be in training in maryland for three, possibly four weeks. i fly there next friday, probably in the morning. after that (when i graduate, not if) i will be given options as to when i'd like to board the ship. my contact today told me, though, not to be too content on it being more than a few days. so, this week is possibly my last week in georgia until april.

i'm in south georgia now... i'm leaving here monday (possibly sunday)... then i'll be gone friday. wow.

in other news... the expo is over. more than 200,000 people attended and eye candy was everywhere. even in midtown, i don't think i've seen as many pink shirts on guys as i did this week. they were everywhere. not a problem, just an observation.

i was paid handsomely for my work... but it's going to pay for two tickets i got. one was in alabama and another somewhere here in georgia on i-75. i don't remember. i have to have that done before i can complete u.s. coast guard training. ugh.

oh... get this: i can't bring any suitcases on board. just two duffle bags, which collapse. the contents can't weigh more than fifty pounds each. is that possible?

i'm at leslee and jennifer's. mr. vaughn grilled steak just like i wanted. mrs. rhonda cooked some vegetables to go along and we all had dinner tonight. i'm proud that i am in south georgia to get to see them all... my sista's are definitely two people i'm going to miss tremendously while i'm gone.

i don't know if anyone told my mother i was in town but she called today. as usual, i didn't answer. it's not time, yet. anyway... she said, 'mathew, this is mama. i love you. (i) just called to tell you that." weird. not that she said it but she just called out of the blue.

in the past two years, that's only the second time she's 'just called.' every other time, which has been very few, she's called to remind me that my blazer payment was past due... that's a whole 'nother story in itself.

i'm not ready to talk to her. she cannot just call me and expect me to not still be hurt. she can't just waltz back into my mentally-improved life and expect me to say 'it's alright' again. it's going to take more than a phone call.

on the ride home, i pondered that. if i say it's going to take more, what is that more? how is she supposed to know if i don't? what am i supposed to do about it? am i right by avoiding her? so many questions, so little answers. i just pray. i ask god to give me guidance, strength and, someday, both of us understanding, peace and reconciliation.

i don't need to spend all my time on here. jennifer and leslee are watching television so i'm going to go join them.

this is for you, anonymous

it appears that rev. anonymous wants everyone who reads this to believe that i am a bad person. that i have not done anything 'good' recently. read through the comments for his/her/their banter.

is it time for me to concede and say i'm a bad person? would that suffice?

i'm a bad person! there. all of you knew that already, though, right?

i've said time and time again i'd not address the reverend but it's time he showed up for choir practice. i'm going nowhere. you don't scare nor do you embarass me.

i could delete everyone of your little comments and send you to hell. i could take the ability to comment completely out of my blog. however, i see that you're getting a thrill and have not much to do in you pathetic life, so i'll let you continue. from now on, we'll call this 'our' blog. welcome. glad to have you.

but be prepared. i've got your number. heaven can only help you...

one more day to go

i am having so much fun. before i left atlanta, i was apprehensive about coming. tuesday morning i wasn't so certain i'd like the guy i was working for. at first impression, i thought he was a bit cold and maybe slightly pushy.

things have definitely changed. i've grown to know both he and his parents, all of which have grown fond of me. the feeling is mutual. mrs. barbara likened me as a member of her family today and kris has told me that i have been the best person he's ever had work for him, describing me as professional, a great salesman and very neat. it's made me feel wonderful.

we were exrtremely busy again today. i've decided that if i have the time and money to invest, i may, myself, have an exhibit here next year. as i've worked today and heard people talk, i've grown quite a few ideas.

travis, another guy who was hired with me, called today. seems he's heard -- although he hasn't been assigned -- that a few of the others have been told they'd begin training november fourth. that'd be alright with me... i'm excited and ready to go.

speaking of which... how weird is this? there was a woman from sale city at my booth today (the second, imagine that!) who asked me how and what i was doing. i explained what i had done since leaving walb, the last she remembered.

to her side, this guy said, "pride of america?" yeah, i said. "oh, i work on that ship."

huh???

yeah... in the middle of 'north america's premier farm show', there is a guy who works on the same ship in which i was just assigned. small world.

i guess i need to, for the reverend's sake, find something bad to do. that damn knighthood and saint stuff is just grinding at his nerves.

damn all of you!

like sand throught the hour glass...

... so are the days of our lives. (let me state here: i stole that from days of our lives. i dont' watch it. i had to ask wendell for it.) here we go, again.

seems anonymous... they're everywhere... is at it, again. in addition to this being my personal journal, it's turning into quite the soap opera. it's actually rather comical. many times i'd write stuff, knowing my out-of-town friends weren't up-to-date on the goings-on in my life. it was honestly just a substitute for a phone call.

however, now it has become an addictive logging-on session. what's this fool going to say next. for example, in the latest post, the blogger states that we're not in the begining but in the third inning, referring to a baseball game. what the hell does that mean?

the relevance of three in baseball only pertains to the number of bases (home is a plate, not a base) and strikes. and, i guess, there are three outfielders. but the third inning? no one gives a shit about it. it's only relevance is that it seperates the second and fourth.

i could understand the idiot saying the seventh... seventh inning stretch... or the ninth... the end of the game. but, the third?

then, after several postings from close friends, reverend anonymous, as he's been nicknamed, suggests i be knighted yet ponders whether that's feminine. at this point... although i've had a couple beers... i cannot think of any other female saint than mother teresa. i'm more than certain there are more males... thus being more masculine... than female.

thanks, reverend. when i was younger and atttended church, many of the older members would tap their watches so that our pastor would realize he was pushing... or heaven forbid... gone after twelve.

i'm not tapping my watch. keep up the good work, as leslee says. you're quite the entertainer. but, you're still a fucking coward.

a e-mail from my aunt

this is an e-mail my aunt, my mother's sister, sent to me. thought i'd share. my response is under comments.

Mathew,

Someone told me that you were in South Georgia working at the Expo this past week, yet you didn't have the decency to contact your mother. She called me yesterday to ask if I had heard from you and I told her no, and that I didn't expect to. After all, I am the one who sold you the Blazer that cost you so much money in repairs, or at least that's what you told Brannon. It doesn't matter to me how mad you are or what you say about me.

As you and I have discussed many times, there are things in your past that could have been different and better, but you aren't the only one with a not-so-perfect childhood. The problem is that you refuse to let it go. Do you care how your mother felt when someone told her they saw you at the Expo, yet you were too busy to take the time to call or come to see her? And this is the same thing that you did when your grandmother died. Do you think you can sneak into town and no one will see you and tell Kay? Sale City is too small for that much privacy. Where does all this bitterness and resentment come from? I'm no psychologist, but I think a lot of it comes as a result of things you were told as you were growing up by some of the Palmer family. (The settlement check is blood money, welfare money, etc.). The irony is that Kay was always nice to your grandmother and spoke very highly of her. I'm sure that the comments came from your aunts as I can't imagine your grandmother spewing such ridiculous garbage. I can assure you of one thing. Never, ever would Robert think or imply that the $700 a month I received in child support for years should have been handed over to him instead of paying for living expenses, and I can assure you that $700 a month isn't a drop in the bucket compared to what it costs to raise a child. Whether you have one child or five, you still have to feed, clothe and provide shelter for your family, and $700 merely scratches the surface. I've been there and I know.

The position you put your mother in because of the Blazer is unthinkable. Did you really tell Ray Muggridge that you have been sending the payments to her and Charles and that they have been spending the money? If you did, that is a very flimsy excuse as you could have mailed the payments directly to the bank, especially if you thought they were taking the money! I suppose they will have to pay your old parking tickets that you chose to ignore as the law has contacted YOUR MOTHER to pay them or she will lose her driver's license. Just be glad that I didn't co-sign the Blazer note with you because if I were forced to make the payments, I would be the one driving it, and it would be parked in MY YARD. And don't bother to tell me that this is none of my business because Kay discussed it with me, and it is her business.

Here's some unsolicited advice. Take the time to reflect on your life, especially over the past few years, and realize how very unstable things have been. Who's to blame? Not your mother! In all of my years, I've never met another person who has had as many jobs as you. And I can assure you that there have been many times that I have been so fed up with my job that I wanted to walk out, but I didn't. Jumping from job to job to job to job and moving from here to there is not normal behavior, regardless of how you try to justify it. You have issues that need to be resolved or you'll never settle down and be happy (although I'm sure you think you're happy now.)

I am not saying these things to make you mad or hurt you, but saying them because I love you, I love my sister and want you to realize what you're doing before it's too late. Please let the bitterness go, and realize that you are hurting yourself at the same time you're hurting others.


Aunt Betty

mathew, you've been medically cleared.

so... the three hour physical that i had two weeks ago paid off. or, i guess my health did. i got a call today from valerie who said i was medically cleared. my background check was completed last week, which means that all i have to do now is pay off those tickets i have and wait to be assigned to training.

one of the 'before' tasks i had to do was complete a survey online tonight. i assumed that it'd be about the hiring process but it was much the opposite...

turns out... the survey was to gather how i was as a communicator and teammate. the funny part is, remember post? one of their main reasons for firing me was that i was not a team player? yeah. the survey, done by a professional training group, determines the exact opposite. it says that i am a team player. further, i'm a team leader.

there's a lot in it that, like some horoscopes, that hits the nail right on the head. others, also like some horoscopes, couldn't be further from the truth... at least in my opinion.

here are the words they used to describe me: (i'd include more as i find it interesting. however, it's seventeen pages long.) stong-willed, forceful, determined, aggressive, competitive, decisive, venturesome, inquisitive, responsible, poised, optimistic, trusting, sociable, deliberate, steady, stable, firm, independent, self-willed, stuboorn, obstinate, opinionated, unsystematic, self-righteous, unihibited, arbitray and unbending.

i guess we'll start training by singing, holding hands around a camp fire. haha.

in other news... today at the expo was rather uneventful. i worked all day in a booth as a live model, selling magazine subscriptions and products for farmers. it was rather boring, i'll have to admit, in the morning but was increasingly fun as the day went on. turns out, the person for whom i'm working is a mass com major and is working on an independent film. that's what we talked about all day. not farming.

at the end of the day, i met the united states secretary of agriculture with whom i took a picture (i'll post it whenever i get a copy) and also saw and spoke with senator saxby chambliss. he asked how i was doing since i left walb and was quite amused that i'd be a bartender in hawaii. he wished me luck and told me to call him if ever i needed him.

from there, i went with amy and wendell to the exhibitors dinner of catfish, cheese grits, cole slaw, hush puppies and french fries. although it's fish, it's certainly a south georgia staple and tradition. it along with the band playing songs such as sweet home alabama made me happy to be amidst friends and near home.

after that and three beers, we just debriefed with the staff. seems everything started on a good note, went well throughout the day and ended well. two more days to go.

we ended the night (i guess it's still going since i'm typing) at joey's. he is staying in the camp ground. all of use went over to his trailer, better known as joey's juke and jive joint... inside story, and had a few beers, listened to rodney play the guitar then came home. i just completed the survey, wanted to post this, plan to smoke a cigarette and then i'm off to bed.

life is grand.

organized chaos says it best.

have you ever thought about what goes on behind the scenes of a large gathering, concert, theatre or even a parade? if you've ever been back there, you already know. it can get chaotic -- and quickly.

the staff at the expo definitely do a great job of handling things but headaches abound. one pops up at least once an hour. perhaps that's the reason there are aleve, advil and even excedrine in the office supply cabinet.

it's 10:30 and we're just getting home. we believe, as they do, that the bulk of everything is done and the gates will be ready to open at 8:30 to begin welcoming the more than 300,000 people from across the southeast to 'north america's premier farm show.' let's hope so.

i'll be working in the cattle south exhibit as a live model distributing magazines by the same name as well as selling t-shirts and cattle prods. haha. i'm from the country but withstanding the two years i live in this county, i have never ever lived nor worked on a farm. most of the machinery displayed over the more than 1,000 acres there is like greek to me.

of course, there are some things i know about: the tractor, lawn mowers, cotton pickers, hay balers and such. some of the stuff, though, i have no clue.

the united states secretary of agriculture along with his horde of secret service will be present tomorrow. apparently he's having a 'listening session' to deal with all the farmers and their issues and concerns. it's interesting how washington works, even if some people don't like it. we have to remember that we entrusted them with our vote or gave our trust and vote to someone who appointed them.

there'll be a fly-over, too, which will be neat. f-16's always wake up and excite a crowd. and me, the lover of planes i am. i'm sure the national anthem will be somewhere in the opening ceremonies as well. why is it that the song brings tears to my eyes? it always happens, no matter what.

leslee came to eat with me today on her lunch break looking like a billion dollars. and in her new trailblazer. damn hooker. i hate 'er. you know that ain't true... we had a good time. talked and caught up. and planned for that steak dinner i hinted about.

oh! i tasted moonshine for the first time today... it was even grape flavored. the first taste was bitter and hot like... well, i guess like grain alcohol. imagine that, huh? but, the grape flavor was pleasant shortly after. kinda like the aftertaste of a nice wine.

the men i got it from got a kick out of my question. they told me you don't drink a lot of it. a little would go a long way. so, i asked why on hee-haw... haha... they always had the drunkards drinking it from the little jugs.

as i said, they just laughed.

i have to be awake in six hours. perhaps i should go to bed.

i am so effin tired!

ugh. i am trying to stay awake until at least eleven so i won't wake up in the middle of the night and not be able to go back to sleep. i've worked 45 hours in four days and it caught up with me around six tonight.

today was not real busy but was hectic. do and re-do. start, then change. do. do. eat. smoke. do more. then wait. do even more.

oh well, i'm working so i'll be able to pay off two traffic tickets and three parking tickets. that's something i have to do before i can leave for training. apparently the coast guard will not let you train if you have any ticket outstanding. the total is close to $600. what a waste of money, huh?

we went out to valdosta last night with dylan. had a good time pending the circumstances. let's just say voodoo lounge is not what it was when i left here two years ago. first of all, i had someone pull me to the side and tell me to put out my cigarette because the police were coming. what? obviously you cannot smoke in the bar there. c'est la vie (there, anonymous. happy?)

then the music sucked. really bad. the dance floor was way overcrowded. it was hot. loud.

and! someone poured their drink down my back... yeah. the fool had bumped into me no less than three times prior. i wasn't in the aisle or anything. in fact, i was standing practically in the middle of a circle.

once he poured his drink on me, i turned around to him just gazing drunk. no i'm sorry. no attempt to get napkins. just stupid drunkeness.

so, i grabbed his cocktail, at least what was left, and threw it onto the floor.

on the better side of things, i did get to see david, dave b's friend from college. we caught up and had an interesting conversation. he's still in school, doing well. and still cute as ever. and just as nice and compassionate.

wendell went to sleep on the way home... i drove dylan's rental truck home: he crashed his. very nice. the conversation he and i had was as well. seems we have a lot in common and he's not as anal as i first thought. we both admitted last night that we practically hated each other when we first met. proves second chances are worthwhile and opening up does expose you and makes you vulnerable but it also uncovers little pieces of your life that you realize would very well fit in someone else's puzzle they call their life.

yonnathan said all my fishies are still alive and swimmin'. he even bought them a heater for their tank... he's so nice. ; )

it's 10:15. i'm going to eat a bite or two, then hit the sack. i'm exhausted.

i got a call...

so, there i was. on the way home from work -- the temporary job i'm doing in south georgia -- when my phone rings. caller id reads that it's a call from hawaii. who the hell do i know there, i thought.

oh my God! it's the cruise line! i couldn't answer it fast enough although as i opened my phone a bit of apprehension surfaced. not to worry, though.

joyce told me she'd be my contact from now through training! training, meaning that i was offered the position! (there you go mr./miss/mrs. anonymous. that's why they should hire me.) sorry.

all i have to do now is wait on my drug test, which i know beyond a shadow of a doubt will be negative!!!

yay!

i'm gonna be cruising through hawaii being a bartender. what do you do for work?

i'm so excited.

winding down on gearing up

only two more days until the nation's largest agricultural farm show opens... (can you imagine my being here? haha. it's funny just to think about it. i'm actually being quite the man.) anyway, i worked a little bit again today.

i rearranged the communication specialist's office. then i hung more banners. talked to leslee (you are such a... and i'm so proud. do it, by the way.). then i didn't really do anything else. haha.

oh, i did see mr. vaughn, leslee and jennifer's dad. he's like my second. was very nice to see him. he even invited me to come spend the night, which i plan to do next week. i want steak, leslee and jennifer, so tell him and yo mama.

wendell is cooking. smells like he's burning down the house. you have to ask him about the grease popping and his reaction. just like cheerleader barbie. it was a sight.

once he finishes, if our clothes are not burned to a crisp, we're gonna head to valdosta with dylan. jamie was supposed to go but he's going to tallahassee instead. that's too far being as how we have to be at work at 7:30 am. we probably shouldn't be in 'dosta but it's been at least three nights for me not going out.

all my fish are still alive. yeah, i'm leaving in less than a month and i bought fish. there are ten of them. one died of complications during pregnancy. actually, i think the bitch drowned but oh well. yonnathan is feeding them while i'm out of town. he even bought them a heater. come to think of it, they are gonna be community fish. wendell will inherit them while i'm gone.

i'm probably going to be in training around the first week of november, if not the last in october. i'll keep everyone updated but i want to have a party so that i can see all my friends before i leave. you know, five months is a long time to go without me.

haha. i'm in a really good mood. time for another beer (i've only had one, so far)

my feet hurt!

maybe this beer will help. ya think?

so, today was another day out at the ole job site. didn't do too much again today. mainly inventoried all the carts for staff, etc. and attached flags to them. oh, and i repaired one of the clips on the flag pole. hung banners. ate spaghetti. 'bout it.

now i'm back at wendell's parents where i'm staying. having a beer. want some salsa but don't want to get up to get it. wishing i was going out tonight but saving all my energy for tomorrow.

not a lot is on my mind right now. oddly enough, being down here has kinda settled it although i know i still have some issues to deal with.

a girl, who works at the expo, brought me some brochures today about the ship i'll be working on; her mother is a travel agent. man, am i even more excited. once i finish this i'm going to browse back through them. the book leads you around the islands pointing out all there is to offer. and the pictures are like paintings, so beautiful.

speaking of which, i got a call today... seems they had a mix-up with my social security number so they had to confirm it. the woman told me she'd finish processing the paper work so... good news, i guess!

why is that when you know you haven't done drugs you still freak out about the results of a drug test?

just one of those things, i reckon.

later, taters.

matthew shephard died seven years ago

that also means i graduated near seven years ago... nevertheless, i remember hearing about matt. i didn't identify as gay back then so, at least at that time, i didn't feel a real connection to him.

humanly, though, i felt like shit. i had no idea where laromie, wyoming was nor why i should even give a damn. but as the events of the case unfolded, i realized that i should care and there was so much that i could feel.

for instance, that could have happened to any of us. especially those who are attracted to the sometimes-attainable 'straight guys'. my hometown is similar in size, unfortunately still similar in the mindset and i could probably name you several people who'd there be capable of the same thing matt endured.

more than that, though, i learned compassion. i learned tolerance. i learned love. didn't you see all that in the days after, too? college students, straight and gay, stood together as one. parents supported their children in this cause that still wasn't popular and broadcast on network television.

it's been seven years... what did he mean to you?

matt also made me jealous. his dad... have you ever watched the story of matt's life and death?

his dad speaks to the killers. although he was a continent away, he tells them matt didn't die alone. he tells them that stars the dad and son gazed upon watched over him. the wind, he said, blew fragrantly around matthew. can you imagine?

i hope that seven years later people can see the effect matthew shepard, his life, his death and this world has upon me. i hope that i am a better person. i hope that i am safer. i hope that i've done something to make someone else safe?

we all have to walk a mile in each others' shoes to understand. it takes guts and it's not easy...

reese cups are addictive!

i never eat chocolate... i guess i should say, rarely. but today that damn candy bowl (actually, there were two) just kept drawing my attention like a drop of water in the desert. i must have had forty.

i didn't sleep well last night. it's funny how you can sleep on a futon that is at the very best a little comfortable yet cannot sleep on a mattress designed for sleep but is stiff. normally i can sleep anywhere but for some reason last night was not one of those nights.

so, when the alarm went off at 6:30 a.m. for work, i wasn't happy. slap-happy but not a joyous happy. nonetheless, i got ready and went to work. the first time in more than a month. yay!

let's see what i did today... haha.

1. repaired the skirting on a trailer.
2. installed signs around the site.
3. hung a poster for a practical joke (not my own)
4. um... delivered boxes. about three hundred or so.
5. ate. backyard burgers. yeah!
6. watched t.v.
7. hung flags.

that's about it. that was my day. then i came home and crashed for several hours. now i'm awake again but i think i'll be able to go back to sleep.

by the way... if you send me a text message, i cannot get it. i'm roaming down here in the middle of nowhere. i can receive calls in some places but no text messages... reminds me why i left. if this place is not good enough for sprint, why me?

i think we're gonna hit the 'dosta this weekend. that should be a hit. i haven't been there since i left south georgia almost two years ago. probably will be the same 'ole crowd with a few new college folks there.

does anyone know when halloween is?

out in the south georgia woods...

i made it to south georgia. weirdly enough, this is the third time i've been down here in the past month. once to see jennifer, coming home from key west and now.

i guess i'll be doing some work here for about two weeks. for sake of privacy - among those i dislike here - i'll keep it under wraps. nevertheless, it should help pay my bills i have to pay before leaving on the ship.

i'll be making my rounds here although they'll be limited. leslee, jennifer, jamie... they're about all i have planned to see.

it's late so i'm gonna run.

OH! if you've tried to view my site or send me e-mail, don't despair. i'm not dead nor ignoring you. i just haven't paid the bill. i plan to do that soon so it'll be back up before you know it.

'hunk'y good cause

normally when mary edith pitts asks you to do something, it requires ten condoms and/or a strong stomach. haha. she's so classy.

so, when she asked me to be in the hunk auction, i thought... um... alright. it's for a good cause.

i'll admit it: i think i'm cute, but certainly no hunk. it's hard to be a hunk when you're barely 140 soaking wet with winter clothes. sa la vie, though, right?

i stepped onto the stool... of course she took off my shirt... then my pants... she had warned me to wear cute underwear (as if i didn't already). and then i was sold! $160 was the highest bidder. dinner is free. can't be too bad, right?

let's hope not. it's the first time i've done something like this. but, it's for the brac center, which helps people living with hiv and aids. it's the least i could do.

i think i'm going to south georgia some time this week.

have you ever been so... ugh..

you could be pissed they lost. after all, they were ahead by five runs -- twice: 5-0, then 6-1 -- before our bullpen tied the game.

a grand slam, then a walk-off homer. it made me sick.

then, for nine more innings -- a whole 'nother ball gam -- our bullpen did something they hadn't done all season. they held the astros to consecutive scoreless innings. this was baseball, people.

loaded bases with no runs. three up, three down. it all happened in this game. after all, it was the longest post season game ever played.

then there was that last homerun. chris burke. a pinch hitter, entered the game in the tenth. up in the count 2-0, he belted the red laced ball outta there.

man. that's it. after all those awesome games at turner, it ends like this? jeff couldn't come out and make it better? where was smoltz? couldn't he do something? guys... where are you? the lights are going out.

it's over.

wait. spring training. yeah. it's not over. it just hasn't got here yet.

i'm already excited. what about you?

no matter what, we're different

i try to be the least racist person on the planet. i try hard. i don't always succeed, but i try. i still have prejudices. racial epithets come to my mind in certain situations. i just don't say them and i remind myself why i shouldn't even think of them.

that's why when my friend esperanza called me and asked me to come to her concert at the sweet auburn festival, i was determined to go. it would be one more way i could strive to bring two races together.

held just blocks from where martin luther king grew up, preached at ebenezer baptist church and is now buried, this is a street festival in the middle of downtown. the atmosphere was very ethnic. the wares from arts and craftsmen certainly were tailored to black people. very little was available for those of another race.

sure, there was an ice-cream truck. eclipse gum was giving free samples. and though the food was ethnic, it was certainly edible for most.

but all this made me think. my first thought, being white, was why there weren't more white people there? joshua, wendell and myself strolled through. why couldn't others?

before wendell arrived, joshua and i walked to dr. king's grave site, the first time i had been since i moved to atlanta five years ago. it was humbling. it was neat.

but on the way there you notice so much. you notice bars on windows. thugs were literally fighting in the streets. a woman who appeared to be homeless and intoxicated rocked on the concrete sidewalk bothering no one.

as we stopped in a store for chips, i couldn't help but feel what other minorites certainly feel when they're in a different area. clerks stared. two other customers seated at gambling machines stared hard. very hard. it was uncomfortable. i never felt unsafe. but i did feel out of place.

which, i guess, answers my question. we can live alongside each other but not with each other. we're different, the most of us are. the new question is, how can we change that? should we even try? and will it ever happen if we do?

i'm sure it's that way with many festivals. take the gay pride festivals. certainly there are straight allies out there. but how many of the them do you imagine feel the same "out of place" feeling i had? have we done anything to change that? have we even thought about their feelings to attempt to change it?

i think many times we're too selfish to stop and realize that we can be proud, no matter who we are. but until we stop and help people understand why we're proud to be who we are, where we've come from and why it that we're wanting to go where we're wanting to go and invite those different to be a part... we'll be apart.

i challenge everyone who reads this to do something to bridge the gap, no matter who it seperates.

by the way... esperanza was awesome. i only know her and b-mac out of her band... and she didn't sing sacrifice. but she was a nice cap to a day out of the ordinary.

i'm so proud.

i just want to say one thing. i'm so extremely proud of my friend joshua that i could raise him up on the highest pedastal in the world.

that's it.

guess who anonymous is???

after leslee told me there were more anonymous postings on my web site... i finally had enough. the comments don't particularly bother me. it's that people choose to hide behind something that is mine... something that i use to share my life with others... to attack me.

it's pretty damned cowardly if you want to know my true opinion. even if you don't, it's still cowardly. i'm not one to hold my opinion back as you well know, anyway.

so, i decided to be proactive and called at least three people of whom i suspected. two denied it, one of which i still doubt. another admitted it was, in fact, him.

tom said he wasn't the only one, though. he said he did it after others did it. he admitted that he saw the choice to post his name yet chose not to. apparently, in his thinking, he thought i'd realize it was him. i suspected, and turned out to be correct, although i was never certain.

i discussed in much detail with tom how cowardly i thought he was and how much i did not appreciate his misaligned comments. i will not divulge all the we discussed as that is our business and, like those comments, not meant for my journal.

however, because those comments were posted on my journal, i did respond to them on my journal. if you read them and were mislead or a bit upset as some of you stated, i encourage you to read my responses.

i'll say now -- for the record -- i know i am not perfect. i know that it wasn't all post's fault that i was fired. i know i wasted time and energy looking for a job. i know all this. believe me, i know.

what i know more than anything, though, is that i am an inidividual. i am mathew roger palmer. i am the only one there'll ever be and i have been this way since i breathed my first breath more than twenty-six years ago. i am me. i have my ways. they may not be right but they work for me. me is all i have to worry about.

i have no children. no partner. nothing more than me. as long as me is content, then that is fine. if you have any advice or concern for me, please do not hide behind a fucking computer or anything else. be brave enough, damnit, to tell me to my face.

don't be scared of me. don't pretend like i'm the bad guy. if the way i choose to live my life harms or overly concerns you, perhaps you should look into the mirror and find out why you're not living you life the way you choose.

three hour physicals aren't fun

apparently i was supposed to have more paper work than the one sheet of paper i had. turns out, that was only an informational sheet.

that's what i was told when i showed up twenty minutes early for my physical. i'd have to wait until they received the paperwork from ncl. so i waited. and waited. then waited some more. did i mention i waited?

finally, at 1:45, after many who came after me had been seen and released, i inquired as to why i still had not been helped. they only had six of the nine required pages... could they not have just began the process???

no. they couldn't. at 2:30, i finally was lead to the back where i was poked and prodded. blood work. drug tests. oh, and i was left in the isolation booth for the hearing test for about twenty minutes -- after the test was completed.

then there was the vision test, which was the weirdest i'd ever seen. not the poster on the wall. ask me about it... i'll have to try to explain it. it wouldn't make sense, i promise.

then it was to the nakedness. a robe was thrown at me with the directions to get 'nekkid. the doctor -- very unattractive doctor -- showed almost thirty minutes later. ya'll know what happens then.

the kicker? what was a one o'clock appointment in marietta turned out to be an ordeal complete with afternoon traffic back into midtown.

how lucky am i?

oh, and leslee called to tell me the anonymous freaks are at it again. i'll get to the bottom of it.

more later.

hawaii, i have a job!

who ever knew the north metro career center was actually inside the georgia department of labor? i didn't. and in the time it took -- i had prepared -- to get from my loft to the location on north druid hills road, i was late. it was 9:03.

the nice young lady almost gave me a heart attack. i couldn't go in, she said. i just stared. but then she said... music, please... you can come back at one. phew! alright. i was still alive. the chance that jumped out in the ajc the day before and the same one i prepared hours for was still an option.

i scurried back home... have you ever seen traffic in that area in the morning? it's nuts. i didn't get home until almost eleven. i took advantage of the few minutes i had at home, taking a nap since i didn't sleep well the night prior. it was like my first day of school; i couldn't sleep no matter what.

it was at 12:35 that i returned. even though i really wanted this job, i used the time to peruse through the publications lying around advertising yet four million other jobs, most of which i didn't want.

promptly at one, we were invited to a conference room where a projector was set up with a 'if you don't have this, don't apply' type message on it. i knew because i had researched this job that i did yet my nerves could never get the hint. my palms sweated. my mind raced.

jack eased all that, though. he was the recruiter who encouraged us to be silly, ask questions (wrong thing for me as inquisitive as i am) and just be ourselves. he needed to see our personalities, he said.

obviously he did and like what he saw. after the presentation and an interview, he invited me to come to work on the pride of america, which cruises around the hawaiian islands. apparently, he thinks i'll make a great bartender.

when he introduced me to the group... all who were offered employment were, the others just left... i felt as if i had won an academy award. me. i had a job. the weird thing is, though, i have to wait for it.

haha. i have a physical tomorrow. then wait around two weeks for training assignments, which last three weeks. once i pass, they'll give me options as to when i want to hop aboard. for me, it'll be as soon as possible.

i've thought this through, believe me. i have several pages of notebook paper where i've written all my thoughts. i've written pros and cons. holidays, birthdays and special days i'll miss. (i'll be gone for five months.) all that stuff.

still, though, i want this. i want to get away. i want this experience. i want the money that i'll make so that i can be a little less in debt. i want to get back into the habit of reading the bible and thanking God for what he does. i want to write more on my book (which has changed a bit... but for the better, i think).

i'm really stoked about this. i really am. really.

about to send out more resumes...

i'm at monte's again. sending out seventeen resumes from suitable jobs i found in the ajc. i left him and wendell downstairs. it's quite so i might not make it...

one of the jobs is on a hawaiian cruise ship. that'd be fun... have to take a pre-employment screening online in a minute. there's a fair for that tomorrow.

also tomorrow, there's a fair for suntrust. they're hiring as well as fidelity bank. i'm going to apply again with asa. i had an offer to interview with them but turned them down because i was in training with airtran... we'll see.

there are several customer service positions in which i am going to apply. there's a radio reporter for wbhf in cartersville... it's way out there (about 45 miles, i think) but, hey, why not? it'd be fun.

the last i'm applying for is an actor/model in a cable pilot called "insomnia cafe". being as how i only got about two hours sleep last night, i should be a shoo-in.

let me run and do something productive. more later.