im' tired of britney...

but i'm not tired of her because of her songs, her acting or even her hair cut. i'm tired of her because i'm tired of people who are ridiculing her. COME ON!

first of all, britney has been a 'star' since she was a child. she was in the mickey mouse club then a singer, then a pop-star, then... well, now.

where do we have responsibility for her breakdown? her parents? the media?

we all are captains of our own destiny, so-to-speak, but there is much outside influence on our lives. imagine hers: she's been told or advised what to do for so long. she's been a robot for the public forever, basically.

i say leave her alone. or, yet, reach out to her. help her and mold her into what she should be.

this piece-of-shit nation we live in so often does this to people. we build people up into what we think they should be or what we hope we could become yet never could and when they let us done, they're shit and thrown to the side for the sake of yet another victim.

fuck this way of life and the people who choose it.

take responsibility for your actions, even when it disintegrates another human.

it's amazing i sleep...

fasten your seat belts... even with my imagination, i couldn't make up this stuff.

my dream started with me being asleep - imagine that - in my room and being awakened by justin and friends downstairs. unimaginable, too, right? they're downstairs talking about how i sleep naked. landon is the only other person's voice i recognize before i hear them trying to get in the door.

they finally make it in and i see one of the other guys is frat boy boy that i can't remember his name. trick is, he's wearing a dress. landon is behind him and is in a leopard print leotard and a long blonde wig. justin is naked.

they all leave except justin who lays in my bed and talks to me about brennan, his boyfriend, who is getting on his nerves. we end up messing around a little bit but nothing too serious.

then... i'm in old-atlanta. i guess it's somewhere downtown because there are lots of buildings and a lot of activity with the locals shopping. i'm with and older lady but i think i'm just helping her; i don't believe i knew her.

regardless, she wants to go to this place that turns out to be like a farmers market or craft market. we begin to walk but she can't make it so we hop aboard a trolley, much like those in san francisco. it's nice, if even in a dream, to ride on a street car. it gave a feeling of stature and wealth.

we make it to the market and begin to shop, yet there wasn't much there. in fact, there was nothing there for me. i realized that the lady had been drinking alcohol, thus the reason she couldn't walk earlier. i then went to get her a coke, which costs fifty cent. (that's a lot for the time period we were in!) one lady told me to just get it for free since she realized it was for the lady who was intoxicated and might be sick.

well, well, well. this other fat bitch told me i couldn't get it. she probably wouldn't have noticed i was there but it was a weird fountain. the ice and coke came out of the same spigot. AND pepsi was in the same fountain... that was weird.

anyway, i, of course, argue with her when a black gentleman walks over and suggests to her that she calm down and let me have the drink for free. after all, i was in a very nice suit and top hat and looked as if i owned half the city.

with my smart mouth, i said to her that i was going to tell everyone i knew that a black man was nicer to me than a southern woman and people surely would never shop with her again. (of course, the black people in that period were meant to be seen and not heard, thus my comment.)

however, the man was furious and told me that was no way to talk to a woman. he brandished a hot piece of metal from his blacksmith shop and try to burn me with it. i held it with my hand and it burned. then, he put it between my neck and shoulder and i passed out.

when i woke up -- still in the dream -- i was putting wood over this freshly dug grave. i little black boy came up to me and asked it this was his daddy's grave. i was crying and couldn't answer but another little boy did. he told the child yes.

i began to sob even harder and fell to my knees dislodging some of the boards that apparently i'd placed over the grave. i guess i killed the guy after he burned me, i don't know.

as far as the woman, i'm not sure where she went...

justin's birthday and raven's encore performance!

have you ever been to the sweetwater brewery in midtown? they make 420, etc. it's awesome. plenty of eye-candy and the only place you can get drunk for $6. christine, michelle, justin, matt, wes, christina, and two randoms made a night of it friday... was fun.

we then made our way to cowtippers for what would turn out to be justin's birthday dinner. he didn't know it was his birthday and the server didn't know it wasn't. haha. was fun. we didn't get too obnoxious. i think we didn't.

it was at that time that christine withdrew from the activities of the night. apparently the forty-two half-glasses of blue at sweetwater filled her tiny tummy and made her a wee-bit intoxicated. haha. gotta love it.

the remainder of us, minus the randoms, went to smith's olde bar and burkharts where we were to see raven's encore performance. was worth every minute of it.

then wayne showed up, early and unexpected so we hung out. he's a photographer from tennessee i met through a model networking web site. he's a cool guy, a wonderful photogrpaher and is in town on business for a couple weeks.

then i went to bed. boo.

these damn dreams...

it's one o'clock. do you know what you dreamed last night?

it was another weird one for me. i was at my mom's visiting but slept in the trailer next door to her house. for some reason, there weren't any curtains on the windows and the door, although closed completely, was letting in air. when i went to investigate i realized that the whole door jam at the bottom was loose.

when i attempted to pull it back into place, unlocking the door in the process, the wind pulled the whole door and jam away from me, slowly like i was in space.

so... i walked over to my mom's. when i walked in the kitchen, there were two black teenage females in there, one with a microphone. at my every move, she asked me what i was doing there. i was describing how i'd like to design my mom a new kitchen. i pointed out - at least in my dream - that she had installed new countertops and painted the brick back-splash as if it were wood grain.

my mom - don't ask why - has two refrigerators in her kitchen (for real). i was trying to get something out of one when all this meat, which was just put in since it wasn't frozen, began to fall out of the freezer. there was chicken, pork, beef... all kind of shit. then there was this bag that looked like a valentines day gift with a huge turkey leg at one end with dressing in the middle and a lace bow at the end.

i arranged all that only to open the refrigerator door and have six packs of coke fall all over the place. i was doing a good job holding it in place and even catching some falling over my head and behind my back.

now if you can decipher that one, you're amazing.

weird dreams...

alright, if i have to be awakened by them, why not allow you to experience them, too?

first, i have to give michelle credit for dreaming about me. it happens to all of you from time-to-time, i'm certain, but it was she who dreamt about me last.

apparently, i was drinking in a bar when i left, was pulled over and subsequently arrested for d.u.i. for some reason -- maybe he was gay -- the cop allowed me to choose where i'd go to jail. i chose henry county, where michelle lives, because christine was there and i knew she'd bail me out. (which she did later in the dream.)

however, anyone who knows me should understand that i'd certainly not choose south atlanta to be jailed; i'd much rather be incarcerated in cobb county where, if they look anything like the baseball players there, the criminals must be good looking.

so... christine has bailed me out and we head back to michelle's where we --- drum roll --- keep drinking.

some how i believe that could really happen.

now to my weird ass dream from last night. don't try to follow the names: most of you don't know these people and just will get lost.

the first part of the dream involved my nannie, my dad's mom. i can't remember exactly what we were doing but i believe we were cooking at her house. then, i go to my aunt joyce's house (my dad's sister) and am in her kitchen but not cooking.

i remember opening the refrigerator at aunt joyce's. not sure why. that's when tiffany, a neighborhood girl and friend of the family who has spina-bifida (sp), came in. or rather out. of course, she's confined to a wheelchair so i had to help my aunt marie (my nannie's sister) get tiffany into the car.

i then folded her wheelchair and put it in the back of the suv-like vehicle they were in.

this is where it gets weirder: i then found a pack of pictures in my room (i used to live with my nannie). it was from a 'photo-shoot' that i did with leslee and her high school boyfriend, kyle, also a friend of mine. ( i did take some awesome pictures of the two of them but none like...)

i was out by the pond behind aunt joyce's house looking at the pics when i realized many were of kyle naked. then leslee naked. and me, yeah, nekkid! they were really good, though. and tasteful. not porn, just pure human form nakedness.

some were just normal pictures but as luck would have it, alex walked up as i got to a picture of kyle and called me out as being gay.

then i woke up.

ugh. yuck. puke.

i hate when other people are right. i really do. it's that leo thing. we love a challenge, yet hate to lose. and recently it seems as if the sun comes out only to be eclipsed by the moon, turning everything into a shadow.

interview with united...

the morning started all-too-early when the damned alarm clock began buzzing in my not-too-rested ears. i slept well, just not enough. i lay there for a while just attempting to wake up. my eyes wouldn't cooperate; they felt like cinder blocks.

i'm a planner, though, and i knew that i had set the alarm precisely thirty minutes ahead of the time i actually needed to be awake. it's like having dessert first: you know you have to wake up but you also know that you can lay still just a bit longer.

i got to the airport around eight; my flight was at 10:02. traffic, on a friday, was a breeze. inside hartsfield, the line snaked around the terminal for miles, it seemed, yet it only took about twenty minutes to make it through security. so, yeah, i arrived at the gate more than an hour-and-a-half early. blah.

i read magazines and ate a sub from blimpies while waiting. i was on the t-gate so the only view you had was of the parking lot and cab stand. and the maintenance bay. not as exciting as the sight of planes taking off and landing and the hundreds of tugs pulling luggage and the shuttles carrying employees too and fro with the magic of an ant farm.

oh well.

my flight was on time... i was concerned going from the worlds busiest airport to the second on friday morning. boarding was a cinch; it was then that i began to realize and remember why i loved the job and why i was spending a whole day in chicago to possibly return to flying the friendly skies.

i introduced myself to the flight attendants, one of which worked at airtran previously. he is now one of two i know who work for united now. betts is there and tyson had an interview a week or two ago.

we arrived at o'haire a little behind schedule. figures. not a problem for me, though, since my interview wasn't until two. i took the train into town and ate at viere, chicago's oldest italian restaurant. i bellied up to the bar and treated myself to the best lasagna i've ever tasted. i'm not sure what kind of cheese they had in the dish but it rocked! it was creamy, meaty and the pasta was made fresh, so...

i looked at my phone for the time and realized it was just thirty-three minutes until two. i was supposed to be at the interview ten minutes prior, just twenty-three minutes away. i had just ordered a glass of wine, believing that it was still closer to noon. apparently the train ride was much longer than i imagined.

i hurried out of there, drinking only a few sips of the wine, and walked toward 10 riverside plaza. i could see the bridge shortly and breathed a sigh of relief knowing it was just a few blocks away.

but... it was then that i remembered i was also going to stop at kinkos and print my resume. oops. it turned out not to be a problem but i don't like to not follow directions... well, sometimes i don't.

the interview itself, in my opinion, was a repeat of the prior one and a waste of my time and united's money. the questions they asked were the same. exactly. i filled out two forms: one with my address, which i'll have to change and another stating that i hadn't commited any crimes in the last ten years and no drug use, etc., etc.

i could have done that by mail.

having said that, the interview went well. working with airtran obviously taught me about the profression and i knew better the answers to their canned questions. we'll see if they work for them.

i was just myself. perhaps that was enough.

on the way back to the airport, i walked around for a little bit. in hindsight i should have walked longer but wanted to make sure i was on time for my flight. having misjudged the time of the train ride earlier, i didn't want to miss my flight... that would surely cause me not to get the job.

o'hare is a boring place. if you have three hours to wait for a flight, wait somewhere else. i was so early, my flight was not even on the board. i ate at chili's. walked around... and around... and around. thankfully i did not have any luggage.

finally, i decided i'd go back to sleep. back because i fell asleep on the train. the poor lady beside me almost missed getting off 'cause she couldn't wake me up. oops.

it was easier to sleep on the train even with the jerking and vibrating that it was in the terminal at o'hare. everywhere i tried to sit people were yacking on their phones or there were pubescent girls shrieking. ugh.

then, as luck would have it, my flight was delayed... then they had to wait on the plane to be re-crewed. oooo. a memory of one of the set-backs of the job. the difference now is, though, that i can use the benefits to see my friends and have a bit better knowledge of the whole system. i never dove into the job at airtran. i had more than one distraction back then.

matt was supposed to pick me up but his friends dad was killed in a car crash in north carolina... so, i planned to ride marta. thing is, marta's last train runs at one a.m. on friday. i arrived at the tracks at 1:05. who's this bitch named karma and where can i find her? i feel like i have a huge apology to make to her.

by the way, the flat rate cab ride from the airport to midtown is $32 if you are interested. the cabbie was pissed because i told him i was using a credit card. he wanted cash, he said, because my transaction would cost him money. too bad, i told him. i was tired, irritable, it was already costing me $32 and i wasn't about to stop at an atm, which would cost about four dollars more in fees. get over it and get me home.

another move, this time on my own...

so, i'm signing a lease at the biltmore tomorrow. it'll be my first place alone in quite a while. i had ford factory but it wasn't often that i was alone there. it'll be a refreshing change of pace, not to mention cheaper than being here. also, i'll be closer to ecco.

i have an interview with united airlines on friday in chicago. i'm thinking it would be cool to be back in the air. i liked the job with airtran, just not being away from my friends. should i get on with united, i can now travel to see my friends, all the bitches who moved away. we'll see!

i thought i was in the mood to write more but no.

deja vu

my first boyfriend walked into cowtippers and caught me totally off-guard. i wasn't looking but certainly wasn't disappointed. i played tough to get and waited a week to call. on our first outing together, we learned in less than thirty minutes we had several mutual friends. he was in school at uga and had his hand in everything imaginable.

we met a little different but it's kinda happened again. they even have the same middle name. he's in school at uga. in everything. knows several friends. cute. funny. masculine. can play the piano.

i shouldn't have hopes this soon; history has proven boys suck. but i'm gonna get my hopes up anyway. a grin and great feeling can't be bad, even if only for a little while.

new year's 2007...

being as how i haven't posted this until the second day of the year means i have a little work to do. o.k., maybe a lot. one of my top new years resolutions is to not procrastinate as much. i've been sitting here putting off doing this, going downstairs to eat and shower. oh, and call charles back. but i'll get to it... later.

in all seriousness, this is going to be an epic year for me. in the past, i'd read through old journals and realize where i hadn't done things i'd promised myself. in fact, i found an entry where about 75 percent of this years goals were included; that was five years ago. if i cannot keep a promise to myself, what kind of person am i?

many things will change, the hardest is friendships. certain friends provide certain things for you... but certain friends also bring on hardships or ... hmmm. not sure that's the right word but sometimes friends can be baggage. no, they can't. when it gets to that point, it's time to evaluate why they're friends at all or why they've changed over into the unpleasant category.

i don't throw friends away. but i will be distancing myself from those who think they're better than others, better than me, those who are negative nancies, those who don't believe in my wishes and my goals no matter how absurd they are. i will admit here that i will become much more selfish this year. perhaps some believe that isn't possible but it will happen.

i'm not going to tolerate those who embellish the truth around me, either. perhaps things have been negative in my life because i've been swirling around the dump with divers. i have to stay positive or it won't work.

finances are another major area of improvement. i spent almost $5,000 last year in waste. i won't get into the details but almost two grand was at work for food. so many more uses i could have put that to.

i want to move from atlanta and san diego is the number one choice right now. many people have told me no, it won't work, it's not smart, blah, blah, blah. but why the hell not? why do some think they have the right to move on with their pitiful existense in life and i should stay in atlanta because things are kinda calm. why do i need to stay in atlanta just to be close to friends... friends who happen to be very happy. i'm not going to be the convenient friend forever. besides, i've bent over backwards to make people happy all my life and it's time i begin to worry about mathew's emotions, not always others.

i've been way too premiscuous as of late. maybe not way too much but more than i'd like. so, i'm not cutting myself off like i did last year but that's definitely gonna change.

i haven't had a cigarette in more than 24 hours. rachel and rondell at work are also quitting. the manager told us he'd pay for the treatment if we needed the patch, etc. to quit. i don't need it, i think. i'm going to wait to say anyway. if it gets too tough, i'll buy it but not until.

i'm gonna get into the gym... continue my daily bible study... try not to gossip... stay positive... and worry about just me, just today.