in south georgia for the holidays...

i was excited to leave atlanta this morning, even if it was to come to sale city, population very little. it's where i grew up and where some of the people i care the most about call home. riding around, you don't see much but it's christmas time so there are a few 'episodes' to beg your attention. mr. doc's house apparently burned a few weeks back and an old trailer we used to call home has been torn down and hauled away.

things do change here. just not much.

shawn and wendell came up to atlanta last night to get me... we went out to drag idol before hitting the landmark and then bed close to five a.m. the light woke me up at about ten this morning; wendell turned it on to get ready. ironically, he felt the need to pad the truth by telling me shawn had to be at work at three, thus guaranteeing a timely departure. as if i'm the one who's not punctual. ah-hem.

perhaps it was because i knew i was escaping the confines of the perimeter but i woke up in a giggly mood this morning. could be the alcohol that continued to seep through my veins. who knows?

the three of us on the way home were like best friends, catty old women and a bunch of drunk sorority girls at the same time. was fun. there should be more times like that.

jennifer and leslee were waiting for me when i got here. as always, we caught up quickly and began to laugh at all the stupid stuff we used to do. we could talk for days and never run out of hilarious and many times dumb shit we've done in the past. we should write a book.

big news, too... they opened a burger king in camilla! haha. being back home. interesting. i jumped from the couch when they told me, much to their comedic relief. it was burger king that got me excited, nor the fact that it's in camilla now. it was the fact that i was fucking starving and had just mentally salivated over a whopper with cheese in my head two minutes earlier.

nonetheless, it was ming yong's that we decided to eat. obviously everyone in mitchell county decided they'd also try out the newest fast food restaurant in town. the buffet was a better choice, i believe because we all gorged ourselves. that restaurant has to be one of the best ever. mmmm.

back in sale city, i decided to go see my mom. wendell and i had seen her earlier at the - yes, there's only one - convenience store in town. she was sitting in the car waiting on greg. of course, she met wendell... pleasantries were exchanged and that was about it. nothing negative, though and even positive comments from both of them later.

leah and lee, mitch, greg, charles and travis were there... try getting a word in edge-wise with that crowd.

everyone eventually left or went to bed so mom and i caught up on things... found out a cousin has cancer... my brother is dating again... heard all about my mom meeting president carter, again.

and then we watched national lampoon's christmas vacation. reminded me of the family. haha. seriously, i think that could be us.

then multiplicity came on... i'd never seen it but we were in conversation so i didn't think about turning it. the movie is about a man who is so busy he clones himself not once or twice but four times so that he can delegate family, work and personal activities... cute movies but i have a point.

one of the clones is gay. ha.

i'm not sure how my mom feels yet now that it's been almost a year since i officially came out to here. however, i was nervous watching the movie. earlier in the evening, a couple gay references where made but quickly tailed off before being finished. it's disheartening to know that your family still feels such bias and spews comedy about your life yet i feel there is hope by the fact that the comments were hushed by their authors before hitting my ears. maybe that doesn't make sense but...

anyway... my mom laughed through the movie just as i did and normally with me. made me realize that we're not so different after all. also makes me believe she's coming around.

funny side note -- just as she closed the living room door to head to the bathroom, a phone sex hotline for gay men was advertised... talk about great timing. that would have been real fun to sit through and possibly explain.

so now it's almost 3:30a.m. and i'm back at jennifer's. not sure what tomorrow will bring other than some last minute -- or actually the beginning -- christmas shopping.

today was a good day.

so many things on my mind...

my mind races like dale earnhardt. well, he's dead but perhaps as fast as his son. there are so many things going on in that eight-pound gourd on my shoulders.

i'm exhausted. on so many levels. i'm finally tired of atlanta. when i moved here from albany, it was a haven. it was what i'd always looked for. it was the place where i could feel most at home. as a flight attendant, i couldn't wait to get back home to my bed, my friends and the places where everyone knew my name.

then i went to hawaii for a reprieve. it was to counter a nervous breakdown, really, which was what i was going through. it helped for a large part but then there were a couple issues that sprang up and gave me a most-unwelcome home. i'm through those things and others that popped up shortly after coming back.

in fact, i'm over most my 'issues.' for once, my environment is well. i have an awesome roommate with a fantastic home. i'm debt free for the most-part. my friends are in good condition, yet far away. i'm back in contact with my mom, although the relationship stinks just like it did way-back-when.

so, i feel as if i'm just 'existing' here. nothing more. i'm going to work. may come straight home or perhaps out to a bar. more often than not it's a bar. then bed. then i'm up again for work. on my days off, i watch t.v., play on the computer and stare aimlessly into the walls that hold me prisoner.

if i were a doctor, i'd say that last month was a bout of depression. i didn't want to see anyone, talk to anyone nor get out of bed.

why? why when all is so well? why would i not get out and enjoy the sun, my friends, this city that i love so well?

i still can't answer... i don't know. but i'm sure it has to do with the fact that i'm pretty much alone here. my closest friends are only a phone call away but the heat from the phone is not match to an in-person hug from them. it's not the same hearing them laugh through tiny speakers. eating alone and talking to them on the phone just is silly.

i've even grown closer to God... i belong to a mail list that sends me daily scripture and bible study. i turn off everything once a day to go through that. i'm better at prayer, both for myself and for others. even on myspace, i found a daily bible verse to post there. mainly for me but in hopes of others seeing it, too.

even so... i'm still just 'existing.'

i've been propositioned with what i believe is an awesom opportunity to move to san diego. i've never visited so i have no clue what it's like. leslee asked me tonight what would be different. honestly, i don't know. perhaps nothing. if there is one thing, though, that i learned in hawaii, it's that being near the water makes you feel alive. when the ship was crashing through the pacific ocean and the spray tickles your face you realize that your life is in the hands of God. you realize that you're alive. you realize that nothing matters but the moment.

when you see the sun set, you believe it's going to come up tomorrow but you're not guaranteed. the wind can cool you or freeze you. still, you can't see it but you know it's there.

i'm a leo. i like challenges. i think the bottom line is that i'm not challenged here. not at all. i love my job but it's not challenging. i like my life, but it's not... ugh. i don't know.

so what if i do move to san diego? what's the difference? i'll just be in another city. wendell is in moultrie. jennifer and leslee will probably never leave mitchell county. kassy and craig are in vegas. matt is in new york. tim's moving to dallas. christine is in roswell and has an opposite schedule. there's no one here anymore.

and i've tried to make friends... this city is full of aquaintances. that's all some will ever be. the bars are atrocious at times. of course there's that troll i have to dodge here, too. i'm just really on the verge of vomiting. i'm sick of this city.

i'm pretty set on leaving. perhaps it won't be san diego but i'm setting my sights on the west coast. if for nothing else, i'd love to go and try it. it seems like heaven, really. water. sun. beach. openminded people.

we'll see. right now i'll just keep wrestling with these thoughts in my head and staring at the wall.