so many things on my mind...

my mind races like dale earnhardt. well, he's dead but perhaps as fast as his son. there are so many things going on in that eight-pound gourd on my shoulders.

i'm exhausted. on so many levels. i'm finally tired of atlanta. when i moved here from albany, it was a haven. it was what i'd always looked for. it was the place where i could feel most at home. as a flight attendant, i couldn't wait to get back home to my bed, my friends and the places where everyone knew my name.

then i went to hawaii for a reprieve. it was to counter a nervous breakdown, really, which was what i was going through. it helped for a large part but then there were a couple issues that sprang up and gave me a most-unwelcome home. i'm through those things and others that popped up shortly after coming back.

in fact, i'm over most my 'issues.' for once, my environment is well. i have an awesome roommate with a fantastic home. i'm debt free for the most-part. my friends are in good condition, yet far away. i'm back in contact with my mom, although the relationship stinks just like it did way-back-when.

so, i feel as if i'm just 'existing' here. nothing more. i'm going to work. may come straight home or perhaps out to a bar. more often than not it's a bar. then bed. then i'm up again for work. on my days off, i watch t.v., play on the computer and stare aimlessly into the walls that hold me prisoner.

if i were a doctor, i'd say that last month was a bout of depression. i didn't want to see anyone, talk to anyone nor get out of bed.

why? why when all is so well? why would i not get out and enjoy the sun, my friends, this city that i love so well?

i still can't answer... i don't know. but i'm sure it has to do with the fact that i'm pretty much alone here. my closest friends are only a phone call away but the heat from the phone is not match to an in-person hug from them. it's not the same hearing them laugh through tiny speakers. eating alone and talking to them on the phone just is silly.

i've even grown closer to God... i belong to a mail list that sends me daily scripture and bible study. i turn off everything once a day to go through that. i'm better at prayer, both for myself and for others. even on myspace, i found a daily bible verse to post there. mainly for me but in hopes of others seeing it, too.

even so... i'm still just 'existing.'

i've been propositioned with what i believe is an awesom opportunity to move to san diego. i've never visited so i have no clue what it's like. leslee asked me tonight what would be different. honestly, i don't know. perhaps nothing. if there is one thing, though, that i learned in hawaii, it's that being near the water makes you feel alive. when the ship was crashing through the pacific ocean and the spray tickles your face you realize that your life is in the hands of God. you realize that you're alive. you realize that nothing matters but the moment.

when you see the sun set, you believe it's going to come up tomorrow but you're not guaranteed. the wind can cool you or freeze you. still, you can't see it but you know it's there.

i'm a leo. i like challenges. i think the bottom line is that i'm not challenged here. not at all. i love my job but it's not challenging. i like my life, but it's not... ugh. i don't know.

so what if i do move to san diego? what's the difference? i'll just be in another city. wendell is in moultrie. jennifer and leslee will probably never leave mitchell county. kassy and craig are in vegas. matt is in new york. tim's moving to dallas. christine is in roswell and has an opposite schedule. there's no one here anymore.

and i've tried to make friends... this city is full of aquaintances. that's all some will ever be. the bars are atrocious at times. of course there's that troll i have to dodge here, too. i'm just really on the verge of vomiting. i'm sick of this city.

i'm pretty set on leaving. perhaps it won't be san diego but i'm setting my sights on the west coast. if for nothing else, i'd love to go and try it. it seems like heaven, really. water. sun. beach. openminded people.

we'll see. right now i'll just keep wrestling with these thoughts in my head and staring at the wall.