im' tired of britney...

but i'm not tired of her because of her songs, her acting or even her hair cut. i'm tired of her because i'm tired of people who are ridiculing her. COME ON!

first of all, britney has been a 'star' since she was a child. she was in the mickey mouse club then a singer, then a pop-star, then... well, now.

where do we have responsibility for her breakdown? her parents? the media?

we all are captains of our own destiny, so-to-speak, but there is much outside influence on our lives. imagine hers: she's been told or advised what to do for so long. she's been a robot for the public forever, basically.

i say leave her alone. or, yet, reach out to her. help her and mold her into what she should be.

this piece-of-shit nation we live in so often does this to people. we build people up into what we think they should be or what we hope we could become yet never could and when they let us done, they're shit and thrown to the side for the sake of yet another victim.

fuck this way of life and the people who choose it.

take responsibility for your actions, even when it disintegrates another human.

it's amazing i sleep...

fasten your seat belts... even with my imagination, i couldn't make up this stuff.

my dream started with me being asleep - imagine that - in my room and being awakened by justin and friends downstairs. unimaginable, too, right? they're downstairs talking about how i sleep naked. landon is the only other person's voice i recognize before i hear them trying to get in the door.

they finally make it in and i see one of the other guys is frat boy boy that i can't remember his name. trick is, he's wearing a dress. landon is behind him and is in a leopard print leotard and a long blonde wig. justin is naked.

they all leave except justin who lays in my bed and talks to me about brennan, his boyfriend, who is getting on his nerves. we end up messing around a little bit but nothing too serious.

then... i'm in old-atlanta. i guess it's somewhere downtown because there are lots of buildings and a lot of activity with the locals shopping. i'm with and older lady but i think i'm just helping her; i don't believe i knew her.

regardless, she wants to go to this place that turns out to be like a farmers market or craft market. we begin to walk but she can't make it so we hop aboard a trolley, much like those in san francisco. it's nice, if even in a dream, to ride on a street car. it gave a feeling of stature and wealth.

we make it to the market and begin to shop, yet there wasn't much there. in fact, there was nothing there for me. i realized that the lady had been drinking alcohol, thus the reason she couldn't walk earlier. i then went to get her a coke, which costs fifty cent. (that's a lot for the time period we were in!) one lady told me to just get it for free since she realized it was for the lady who was intoxicated and might be sick.

well, well, well. this other fat bitch told me i couldn't get it. she probably wouldn't have noticed i was there but it was a weird fountain. the ice and coke came out of the same spigot. AND pepsi was in the same fountain... that was weird.

anyway, i, of course, argue with her when a black gentleman walks over and suggests to her that she calm down and let me have the drink for free. after all, i was in a very nice suit and top hat and looked as if i owned half the city.

with my smart mouth, i said to her that i was going to tell everyone i knew that a black man was nicer to me than a southern woman and people surely would never shop with her again. (of course, the black people in that period were meant to be seen and not heard, thus my comment.)

however, the man was furious and told me that was no way to talk to a woman. he brandished a hot piece of metal from his blacksmith shop and try to burn me with it. i held it with my hand and it burned. then, he put it between my neck and shoulder and i passed out.

when i woke up -- still in the dream -- i was putting wood over this freshly dug grave. i little black boy came up to me and asked it this was his daddy's grave. i was crying and couldn't answer but another little boy did. he told the child yes.

i began to sob even harder and fell to my knees dislodging some of the boards that apparently i'd placed over the grave. i guess i killed the guy after he burned me, i don't know.

as far as the woman, i'm not sure where she went...

justin's birthday and raven's encore performance!

have you ever been to the sweetwater brewery in midtown? they make 420, etc. it's awesome. plenty of eye-candy and the only place you can get drunk for $6. christine, michelle, justin, matt, wes, christina, and two randoms made a night of it friday... was fun.

we then made our way to cowtippers for what would turn out to be justin's birthday dinner. he didn't know it was his birthday and the server didn't know it wasn't. haha. was fun. we didn't get too obnoxious. i think we didn't.

it was at that time that christine withdrew from the activities of the night. apparently the forty-two half-glasses of blue at sweetwater filled her tiny tummy and made her a wee-bit intoxicated. haha. gotta love it.

the remainder of us, minus the randoms, went to smith's olde bar and burkharts where we were to see raven's encore performance. was worth every minute of it.

then wayne showed up, early and unexpected so we hung out. he's a photographer from tennessee i met through a model networking web site. he's a cool guy, a wonderful photogrpaher and is in town on business for a couple weeks.

then i went to bed. boo.

these damn dreams...

it's one o'clock. do you know what you dreamed last night?

it was another weird one for me. i was at my mom's visiting but slept in the trailer next door to her house. for some reason, there weren't any curtains on the windows and the door, although closed completely, was letting in air. when i went to investigate i realized that the whole door jam at the bottom was loose.

when i attempted to pull it back into place, unlocking the door in the process, the wind pulled the whole door and jam away from me, slowly like i was in space.

so... i walked over to my mom's. when i walked in the kitchen, there were two black teenage females in there, one with a microphone. at my every move, she asked me what i was doing there. i was describing how i'd like to design my mom a new kitchen. i pointed out - at least in my dream - that she had installed new countertops and painted the brick back-splash as if it were wood grain.

my mom - don't ask why - has two refrigerators in her kitchen (for real). i was trying to get something out of one when all this meat, which was just put in since it wasn't frozen, began to fall out of the freezer. there was chicken, pork, beef... all kind of shit. then there was this bag that looked like a valentines day gift with a huge turkey leg at one end with dressing in the middle and a lace bow at the end.

i arranged all that only to open the refrigerator door and have six packs of coke fall all over the place. i was doing a good job holding it in place and even catching some falling over my head and behind my back.

now if you can decipher that one, you're amazing.

weird dreams...

alright, if i have to be awakened by them, why not allow you to experience them, too?

first, i have to give michelle credit for dreaming about me. it happens to all of you from time-to-time, i'm certain, but it was she who dreamt about me last.

apparently, i was drinking in a bar when i left, was pulled over and subsequently arrested for d.u.i. for some reason -- maybe he was gay -- the cop allowed me to choose where i'd go to jail. i chose henry county, where michelle lives, because christine was there and i knew she'd bail me out. (which she did later in the dream.)

however, anyone who knows me should understand that i'd certainly not choose south atlanta to be jailed; i'd much rather be incarcerated in cobb county where, if they look anything like the baseball players there, the criminals must be good looking.

so... christine has bailed me out and we head back to michelle's where we --- drum roll --- keep drinking.

some how i believe that could really happen.

now to my weird ass dream from last night. don't try to follow the names: most of you don't know these people and just will get lost.

the first part of the dream involved my nannie, my dad's mom. i can't remember exactly what we were doing but i believe we were cooking at her house. then, i go to my aunt joyce's house (my dad's sister) and am in her kitchen but not cooking.

i remember opening the refrigerator at aunt joyce's. not sure why. that's when tiffany, a neighborhood girl and friend of the family who has spina-bifida (sp), came in. or rather out. of course, she's confined to a wheelchair so i had to help my aunt marie (my nannie's sister) get tiffany into the car.

i then folded her wheelchair and put it in the back of the suv-like vehicle they were in.

this is where it gets weirder: i then found a pack of pictures in my room (i used to live with my nannie). it was from a 'photo-shoot' that i did with leslee and her high school boyfriend, kyle, also a friend of mine. ( i did take some awesome pictures of the two of them but none like...)

i was out by the pond behind aunt joyce's house looking at the pics when i realized many were of kyle naked. then leslee naked. and me, yeah, nekkid! they were really good, though. and tasteful. not porn, just pure human form nakedness.

some were just normal pictures but as luck would have it, alex walked up as i got to a picture of kyle and called me out as being gay.

then i woke up.

ugh. yuck. puke.

i hate when other people are right. i really do. it's that leo thing. we love a challenge, yet hate to lose. and recently it seems as if the sun comes out only to be eclipsed by the moon, turning everything into a shadow.

interview with united...

the morning started all-too-early when the damned alarm clock began buzzing in my not-too-rested ears. i slept well, just not enough. i lay there for a while just attempting to wake up. my eyes wouldn't cooperate; they felt like cinder blocks.

i'm a planner, though, and i knew that i had set the alarm precisely thirty minutes ahead of the time i actually needed to be awake. it's like having dessert first: you know you have to wake up but you also know that you can lay still just a bit longer.

i got to the airport around eight; my flight was at 10:02. traffic, on a friday, was a breeze. inside hartsfield, the line snaked around the terminal for miles, it seemed, yet it only took about twenty minutes to make it through security. so, yeah, i arrived at the gate more than an hour-and-a-half early. blah.

i read magazines and ate a sub from blimpies while waiting. i was on the t-gate so the only view you had was of the parking lot and cab stand. and the maintenance bay. not as exciting as the sight of planes taking off and landing and the hundreds of tugs pulling luggage and the shuttles carrying employees too and fro with the magic of an ant farm.

oh well.

my flight was on time... i was concerned going from the worlds busiest airport to the second on friday morning. boarding was a cinch; it was then that i began to realize and remember why i loved the job and why i was spending a whole day in chicago to possibly return to flying the friendly skies.

i introduced myself to the flight attendants, one of which worked at airtran previously. he is now one of two i know who work for united now. betts is there and tyson had an interview a week or two ago.

we arrived at o'haire a little behind schedule. figures. not a problem for me, though, since my interview wasn't until two. i took the train into town and ate at viere, chicago's oldest italian restaurant. i bellied up to the bar and treated myself to the best lasagna i've ever tasted. i'm not sure what kind of cheese they had in the dish but it rocked! it was creamy, meaty and the pasta was made fresh, so...

i looked at my phone for the time and realized it was just thirty-three minutes until two. i was supposed to be at the interview ten minutes prior, just twenty-three minutes away. i had just ordered a glass of wine, believing that it was still closer to noon. apparently the train ride was much longer than i imagined.

i hurried out of there, drinking only a few sips of the wine, and walked toward 10 riverside plaza. i could see the bridge shortly and breathed a sigh of relief knowing it was just a few blocks away.

but... it was then that i remembered i was also going to stop at kinkos and print my resume. oops. it turned out not to be a problem but i don't like to not follow directions... well, sometimes i don't.

the interview itself, in my opinion, was a repeat of the prior one and a waste of my time and united's money. the questions they asked were the same. exactly. i filled out two forms: one with my address, which i'll have to change and another stating that i hadn't commited any crimes in the last ten years and no drug use, etc., etc.

i could have done that by mail.

having said that, the interview went well. working with airtran obviously taught me about the profression and i knew better the answers to their canned questions. we'll see if they work for them.

i was just myself. perhaps that was enough.

on the way back to the airport, i walked around for a little bit. in hindsight i should have walked longer but wanted to make sure i was on time for my flight. having misjudged the time of the train ride earlier, i didn't want to miss my flight... that would surely cause me not to get the job.

o'hare is a boring place. if you have three hours to wait for a flight, wait somewhere else. i was so early, my flight was not even on the board. i ate at chili's. walked around... and around... and around. thankfully i did not have any luggage.

finally, i decided i'd go back to sleep. back because i fell asleep on the train. the poor lady beside me almost missed getting off 'cause she couldn't wake me up. oops.

it was easier to sleep on the train even with the jerking and vibrating that it was in the terminal at o'hare. everywhere i tried to sit people were yacking on their phones or there were pubescent girls shrieking. ugh.

then, as luck would have it, my flight was delayed... then they had to wait on the plane to be re-crewed. oooo. a memory of one of the set-backs of the job. the difference now is, though, that i can use the benefits to see my friends and have a bit better knowledge of the whole system. i never dove into the job at airtran. i had more than one distraction back then.

matt was supposed to pick me up but his friends dad was killed in a car crash in north carolina... so, i planned to ride marta. thing is, marta's last train runs at one a.m. on friday. i arrived at the tracks at 1:05. who's this bitch named karma and where can i find her? i feel like i have a huge apology to make to her.

by the way, the flat rate cab ride from the airport to midtown is $32 if you are interested. the cabbie was pissed because i told him i was using a credit card. he wanted cash, he said, because my transaction would cost him money. too bad, i told him. i was tired, irritable, it was already costing me $32 and i wasn't about to stop at an atm, which would cost about four dollars more in fees. get over it and get me home.

another move, this time on my own...

so, i'm signing a lease at the biltmore tomorrow. it'll be my first place alone in quite a while. i had ford factory but it wasn't often that i was alone there. it'll be a refreshing change of pace, not to mention cheaper than being here. also, i'll be closer to ecco.

i have an interview with united airlines on friday in chicago. i'm thinking it would be cool to be back in the air. i liked the job with airtran, just not being away from my friends. should i get on with united, i can now travel to see my friends, all the bitches who moved away. we'll see!

i thought i was in the mood to write more but no.

deja vu

my first boyfriend walked into cowtippers and caught me totally off-guard. i wasn't looking but certainly wasn't disappointed. i played tough to get and waited a week to call. on our first outing together, we learned in less than thirty minutes we had several mutual friends. he was in school at uga and had his hand in everything imaginable.

we met a little different but it's kinda happened again. they even have the same middle name. he's in school at uga. in everything. knows several friends. cute. funny. masculine. can play the piano.

i shouldn't have hopes this soon; history has proven boys suck. but i'm gonna get my hopes up anyway. a grin and great feeling can't be bad, even if only for a little while.

new year's 2007...

being as how i haven't posted this until the second day of the year means i have a little work to do. o.k., maybe a lot. one of my top new years resolutions is to not procrastinate as much. i've been sitting here putting off doing this, going downstairs to eat and shower. oh, and call charles back. but i'll get to it... later.

in all seriousness, this is going to be an epic year for me. in the past, i'd read through old journals and realize where i hadn't done things i'd promised myself. in fact, i found an entry where about 75 percent of this years goals were included; that was five years ago. if i cannot keep a promise to myself, what kind of person am i?

many things will change, the hardest is friendships. certain friends provide certain things for you... but certain friends also bring on hardships or ... hmmm. not sure that's the right word but sometimes friends can be baggage. no, they can't. when it gets to that point, it's time to evaluate why they're friends at all or why they've changed over into the unpleasant category.

i don't throw friends away. but i will be distancing myself from those who think they're better than others, better than me, those who are negative nancies, those who don't believe in my wishes and my goals no matter how absurd they are. i will admit here that i will become much more selfish this year. perhaps some believe that isn't possible but it will happen.

i'm not going to tolerate those who embellish the truth around me, either. perhaps things have been negative in my life because i've been swirling around the dump with divers. i have to stay positive or it won't work.

finances are another major area of improvement. i spent almost $5,000 last year in waste. i won't get into the details but almost two grand was at work for food. so many more uses i could have put that to.

i want to move from atlanta and san diego is the number one choice right now. many people have told me no, it won't work, it's not smart, blah, blah, blah. but why the hell not? why do some think they have the right to move on with their pitiful existense in life and i should stay in atlanta because things are kinda calm. why do i need to stay in atlanta just to be close to friends... friends who happen to be very happy. i'm not going to be the convenient friend forever. besides, i've bent over backwards to make people happy all my life and it's time i begin to worry about mathew's emotions, not always others.

i've been way too premiscuous as of late. maybe not way too much but more than i'd like. so, i'm not cutting myself off like i did last year but that's definitely gonna change.

i haven't had a cigarette in more than 24 hours. rachel and rondell at work are also quitting. the manager told us he'd pay for the treatment if we needed the patch, etc. to quit. i don't need it, i think. i'm going to wait to say anyway. if it gets too tough, i'll buy it but not until.

i'm gonna get into the gym... continue my daily bible study... try not to gossip... stay positive... and worry about just me, just today.

in south georgia for the holidays...

i was excited to leave atlanta this morning, even if it was to come to sale city, population very little. it's where i grew up and where some of the people i care the most about call home. riding around, you don't see much but it's christmas time so there are a few 'episodes' to beg your attention. mr. doc's house apparently burned a few weeks back and an old trailer we used to call home has been torn down and hauled away.

things do change here. just not much.

shawn and wendell came up to atlanta last night to get me... we went out to drag idol before hitting the landmark and then bed close to five a.m. the light woke me up at about ten this morning; wendell turned it on to get ready. ironically, he felt the need to pad the truth by telling me shawn had to be at work at three, thus guaranteeing a timely departure. as if i'm the one who's not punctual. ah-hem.

perhaps it was because i knew i was escaping the confines of the perimeter but i woke up in a giggly mood this morning. could be the alcohol that continued to seep through my veins. who knows?

the three of us on the way home were like best friends, catty old women and a bunch of drunk sorority girls at the same time. was fun. there should be more times like that.

jennifer and leslee were waiting for me when i got here. as always, we caught up quickly and began to laugh at all the stupid stuff we used to do. we could talk for days and never run out of hilarious and many times dumb shit we've done in the past. we should write a book.

big news, too... they opened a burger king in camilla! haha. being back home. interesting. i jumped from the couch when they told me, much to their comedic relief. it was burger king that got me excited, nor the fact that it's in camilla now. it was the fact that i was fucking starving and had just mentally salivated over a whopper with cheese in my head two minutes earlier.

nonetheless, it was ming yong's that we decided to eat. obviously everyone in mitchell county decided they'd also try out the newest fast food restaurant in town. the buffet was a better choice, i believe because we all gorged ourselves. that restaurant has to be one of the best ever. mmmm.

back in sale city, i decided to go see my mom. wendell and i had seen her earlier at the - yes, there's only one - convenience store in town. she was sitting in the car waiting on greg. of course, she met wendell... pleasantries were exchanged and that was about it. nothing negative, though and even positive comments from both of them later.

leah and lee, mitch, greg, charles and travis were there... try getting a word in edge-wise with that crowd.

everyone eventually left or went to bed so mom and i caught up on things... found out a cousin has cancer... my brother is dating again... heard all about my mom meeting president carter, again.

and then we watched national lampoon's christmas vacation. reminded me of the family. haha. seriously, i think that could be us.

then multiplicity came on... i'd never seen it but we were in conversation so i didn't think about turning it. the movie is about a man who is so busy he clones himself not once or twice but four times so that he can delegate family, work and personal activities... cute movies but i have a point.

one of the clones is gay. ha.

i'm not sure how my mom feels yet now that it's been almost a year since i officially came out to here. however, i was nervous watching the movie. earlier in the evening, a couple gay references where made but quickly tailed off before being finished. it's disheartening to know that your family still feels such bias and spews comedy about your life yet i feel there is hope by the fact that the comments were hushed by their authors before hitting my ears. maybe that doesn't make sense but...

anyway... my mom laughed through the movie just as i did and normally with me. made me realize that we're not so different after all. also makes me believe she's coming around.

funny side note -- just as she closed the living room door to head to the bathroom, a phone sex hotline for gay men was advertised... talk about great timing. that would have been real fun to sit through and possibly explain.

so now it's almost 3:30a.m. and i'm back at jennifer's. not sure what tomorrow will bring other than some last minute -- or actually the beginning -- christmas shopping.

today was a good day.

so many things on my mind...

my mind races like dale earnhardt. well, he's dead but perhaps as fast as his son. there are so many things going on in that eight-pound gourd on my shoulders.

i'm exhausted. on so many levels. i'm finally tired of atlanta. when i moved here from albany, it was a haven. it was what i'd always looked for. it was the place where i could feel most at home. as a flight attendant, i couldn't wait to get back home to my bed, my friends and the places where everyone knew my name.

then i went to hawaii for a reprieve. it was to counter a nervous breakdown, really, which was what i was going through. it helped for a large part but then there were a couple issues that sprang up and gave me a most-unwelcome home. i'm through those things and others that popped up shortly after coming back.

in fact, i'm over most my 'issues.' for once, my environment is well. i have an awesome roommate with a fantastic home. i'm debt free for the most-part. my friends are in good condition, yet far away. i'm back in contact with my mom, although the relationship stinks just like it did way-back-when.

so, i feel as if i'm just 'existing' here. nothing more. i'm going to work. may come straight home or perhaps out to a bar. more often than not it's a bar. then bed. then i'm up again for work. on my days off, i watch t.v., play on the computer and stare aimlessly into the walls that hold me prisoner.

if i were a doctor, i'd say that last month was a bout of depression. i didn't want to see anyone, talk to anyone nor get out of bed.

why? why when all is so well? why would i not get out and enjoy the sun, my friends, this city that i love so well?

i still can't answer... i don't know. but i'm sure it has to do with the fact that i'm pretty much alone here. my closest friends are only a phone call away but the heat from the phone is not match to an in-person hug from them. it's not the same hearing them laugh through tiny speakers. eating alone and talking to them on the phone just is silly.

i've even grown closer to God... i belong to a mail list that sends me daily scripture and bible study. i turn off everything once a day to go through that. i'm better at prayer, both for myself and for others. even on myspace, i found a daily bible verse to post there. mainly for me but in hopes of others seeing it, too.

even so... i'm still just 'existing.'

i've been propositioned with what i believe is an awesom opportunity to move to san diego. i've never visited so i have no clue what it's like. leslee asked me tonight what would be different. honestly, i don't know. perhaps nothing. if there is one thing, though, that i learned in hawaii, it's that being near the water makes you feel alive. when the ship was crashing through the pacific ocean and the spray tickles your face you realize that your life is in the hands of God. you realize that you're alive. you realize that nothing matters but the moment.

when you see the sun set, you believe it's going to come up tomorrow but you're not guaranteed. the wind can cool you or freeze you. still, you can't see it but you know it's there.

i'm a leo. i like challenges. i think the bottom line is that i'm not challenged here. not at all. i love my job but it's not challenging. i like my life, but it's not... ugh. i don't know.

so what if i do move to san diego? what's the difference? i'll just be in another city. wendell is in moultrie. jennifer and leslee will probably never leave mitchell county. kassy and craig are in vegas. matt is in new york. tim's moving to dallas. christine is in roswell and has an opposite schedule. there's no one here anymore.

and i've tried to make friends... this city is full of aquaintances. that's all some will ever be. the bars are atrocious at times. of course there's that troll i have to dodge here, too. i'm just really on the verge of vomiting. i'm sick of this city.

i'm pretty set on leaving. perhaps it won't be san diego but i'm setting my sights on the west coast. if for nothing else, i'd love to go and try it. it seems like heaven, really. water. sun. beach. openminded people.

we'll see. right now i'll just keep wrestling with these thoughts in my head and staring at the wall.

i don't really have a title...

i was walking through the mall today when i suddenly thought, we're all dying, lest we live. leslee had told me about her niece being born earlier this week. i was in a candle store. i was with matt and his family. i had the sudden urge when the thought came to go sit down and write.

it's a bit scary, really. it was almost as if i'm not doing enough. it came boomin into my head drowning out the music, even the scents. it seemed like an omen.

it also comes at a time when i feel as if i'm doing well. my job is going great. i couldn't ask for a better roommate. my friends are in great spots and i have seen most of my best friends within the last week. i'm closer to other friends.

what's missing? why this?

i'm really confused.

illegal immigrants... on my soapbox

alright... i don't know if i've voiced my opinion on this issue, but it's time i do. even if again.

right now, according to ajc.com, about 500 people are circling turner field and planning to march, legally, to the state capitol where they plan to protest our new laws governing illegal immigrants. supposedly, organizers are or were expecting nearly 5,000.

two key words here: illegal. immigrant.

immigration implies long-term permanent residence by the immigrants. you and i are long-term residents as well. we have rights. yet we also have responsibilities.

one of those, however basic, is to know, read, write and speak this nations official language: english. one of the sign carriers today hoisted a banner reading, "i never live from welfare because i hard worker. i just build houses for yu."

while i can understand their not knowing english (i certainly don't know spanish.), there is no excuse for not knowing in an english speaking country. i feel like most agree that if one is to move to another country, it is their language and customs that they should learn.

that's petty, though. the real issue here is not that north america doesn't want their southern neighbors in our country. they really are beautiful people and add to the fabric that has made this land the comforting quilt of immigrants it is.

rather, this country has finally realized that many immigrants, whether spanish-speaking, are a drain to society. many do build homes but it's a job they chose. i work at ecco. i don't have to but it's the job i'm happy in and the one i want. i'm educated and could do other things... they could do the same. further, they could do it free by being a minority. that's certainly not fair but it's the way it is.

welfare, as the man wrote on his placard, is one of the hot points. many immigrants live off welfare while sending their wages to their home countries where it is converted into their currency, often times at a great exchange rate.

as an american, which through a legal process any immigrant can apply for citizenship, we have responsibilities. we have to pay taxes. there is no way around it. and we are a tax-paying society in order to maintain the standards of living in which we're accustomed.

we pay taxes to pave roads. build schools, which educate future generations. provide care for those who can't afford it. buy food for women with children. provide social security for those who've busted their asses for years.

then you have these people who come here and expect to partake in these things without investing a dime. can you imagine what a banker would say to you should you go into their branch and ask to withdraw money when you've never deposited any? hell no, he'd say. laugh in your face, probably.

another point of contention is violence. while i don't have the statistics, we all know and understand that immigrants are often trouble makers. it's a stereotype, sure, but it is one that holds true much of the time. they are also targets themselves with criminals realizing many of them carry and keep large sums of cash.

perhaps there are holes in the laws, which should be tweaked. perhaps those with families or those of a couple generations here should be grandfathered or something similar. but it is high time that the united states gets a grip on this growing population that is eating away the coffers of cities, counties, states and our nation.

forgive georgia for being tough and on the forefront of this move but i'm standing tall and in full agreement that there needs to be enforcement of laws that have been on the books for years.

follow the laws, accept the responsibilities of this country as well as all our wonderful rights and privileges or take your ass home. the end.

christmas is soon...

because halloween is near, i know christmas is around the corner. the first item on my wish list is this:

you can decide on whether you want to get him or just the underwear or both.

thanks jeff, braves!

alright... so todays match-up between the braves and the astros didn't hold as much significance. but it was those assholes who knocked us out of the play-offs the past two years.

so it was fitting that it was my boy jeff who caught the last ball of the season sending those texas idiots packin'.

i could so use another month of baseball (i'll still watch and cheer for -- hold your breath -- the yankees.). but i can only see what next year can be.

thanks, jeff. thanks braves for another awesome season.

i caught a foul ball!

sippin' on beer at joe's and wondering what to do for the rest of a more-than-beautiful day, jack and i decided to go to the braves game. it was the last, after all, of the season that i could get to. it was the next to last anyone could go to since we're not going to the play-offs for the first time since 1990.

so, we bought nosebleeds. thanks to a coupon someone had left at the box office, i quickly pretended it was mine and bought our seats buy-one-get-one-free.

before we walked away, i was already complaining that they weren't good seats. too high. and the beer was a long walk.

the game was a good game until near the end when renteria threw a ball past marcus. marcus had made a stupid error just prior.

anyway... it was a nail-biter and one that i desperately wished we'd win. i didn't - and don't - want the asshole astros in the post-season. if we can't go, neither should they.

and you know my rule... you don't leave until the game is over, no matter what.

so it was no surpise that i was sitting in my seat, leanin' over the rail with my nails in my mouth hoping adam laroche would knock one outta the park.

he was down in the count... swung... and knocked it directly behind home plate into the upper deck where i was sitting (in those terrible seats i had complained about).

as if in slow motin, the ball soared into the sky, arched and began to come down. i was dangerously close to the rail already, leanin' over in nervousness and anticipation.

i stood... keeping my eye on the ball and took a step back waiting for it to plunge into the seats. i would love to lie and say i caught it bare-handed with just one hand. but, nah, i didn't.

i dropped it but it rolled right between my feet where on the way down i locked eyes with about a four-year-old girl.

*#@k her. it was my thought as i snatched it up and ashamedly showed it to jack and the surrounding fans who were cheering (for what... i don't know).

dont' hate me. wendell said the same thing about the girl and so did jack.

anyway... on the next pitch, adam swung and missed. the braves lost. but i got a game ball, which has never happened and i am absolutely effin stoked.

what girl?

top o' the mornin' to ya.

so my irish roots are coming out. (so are my grey ones...) sue me. and i know it's not morning. it's 2:24 and i'm eating chic-fil-a. speaking of which, the guy who waited on me was oh-way-so-obviously gay. explain that one.

anyway... my manager at work needed to move a television so i asked tim to borrow a truck, which he did. (thanks SO much, tim.) while i was at the dealership, i looked at the cars he had. i was stuck on a truck (haha, that rhymed) but changed my mind when i saw a bmw and a volvo. i'm not a brand whore - i'm really not - but they both caught my attention.

the bmw is out of my price range but the volvo is just below my maximum. so, i asked to test drive it... (tim, i didn't have time to tell you but i got lost. sorry.) i'm in love with it. it's a 2002 volvo s60 t5. just 62k miles. leather seats. sunroof. automatic. power everything. black, which meets my requirement of not-another white vehicle.

we're gonna talk about it later today... perhaps i'll be in a new car soon. yay me! if not that one, some car. soon. but i really like that one.

oh... i'm taking donations. mail them to me or send me an email at mathewneedsmoneyforanewcar@mathewwithonet.net.

in other business, i'm bored.

i have to be at work at five and have no clue what i will wear. i think i should probably run lines with myself, too. not sure what scenes we're shooting this weekend.

hmmm. strawberry milkshakes from chic-fil-a are oh-so-tasty. yeah. it's melting. i gotta go.

my friend, dave, says...

where are you going, with your long face pulling down? don't hide away, like an ocean that you can't see but you can smell... and the sound of waves crash down

i am no superman. i have no reasons for you. i am no hero, aww that's for sure.

but i do know one thing: is where you are is where i belong. i do know, where you go, is where i wanna be.

where are you going? where do you go? are you lookin' for answers to questions under the stars? well if along the way you are growin weary, you can rest with me; until a brighter day, you're ok.

tell me where are you going? where? let's go.

becoming asexual, by mathew palmer

it's my new book, coming at some point. i feel that might be something i can't fuck up. but i'd probably complain to myself that i wasn't hitting the right spot or i was being too rough or something.

hmmm... i still haven't done laundry but i sware i'm starting it after i finish this post. i'll have plenty of free time. don't have to go to work until five today. not going out. then don't have to be back at work again until five wednesday.

had my first shift yesterday as lead/opening greeter. was a breeze. worked until nine, though, which wasn't too cool. especially since bryen was waiting since eight.

we ate burger king and watched finding nemo before having a tell-all before bed. as much as i hated -- for several reasons -- what i was hearing, i needed to hear it. wow.

i told him, and i believe - i really do, that god has me in some fucking experimental test-your-patience and snatch all you like and love out from under you lab rat type thingie. who knows?

that's where the asexual thing comes in. i can imagine whomever i want in whatever compromising position i want and make them shut up when i say so... should be fun.

don't expect the book too soon, though. i'm doing laundry.

ugh.

why is it that i have to be mad or upset to clean? whatever the reason, it's a good thing in the words of my pal martha stewart. i am beginning to do laundry, which hasn't been done in forever. my tub is literally filled with towels.

i changed daniels water. poor fish was about to drown in a pool of water reminiscent of the bat cave. he's happy now.

i really don't hate boys like i said. i love them. i want one. but i'm tired of being hurt. really fucking disgusted with being hurt.

why is it that i like and love so easily and they just can dispose of their emotions like a ragged tee shirt... what am i doing wrong?

i really don't want to be the jaded, bitter queen no one wants to be around. i hate those. but i'm slowly becoming one. i have to remind myself that the next guy isn't the last although the qualities are almost like a mirror to the one before. they deserve a chance, some credit, right?

my mood is just blah today. not really a bad mood. certainly not good but just somewhere in a vortex in between.

i need to shower. i have to shave. i'm hungry. maybe there is something to do? i wish it was a bit warmer... i'd go to the pool.

i need to get out of town but i have absolutely no free time until this movie thing is done. i'm working five days and have shoots on the weekend (not that i'm complaining; i'm totally stoked about it and having a blast.).

speaking of work... i'm transferring to be lead greeter at ecco. i may still wait tables once-in-a-while but the door offers less hours, less work and more (consistent) money. it can't be a bad thing.

once i do have some free time, i'm going to be volunteering at the center for visually impaired. i got the information way back when but never turned it in. a guest at ecco the other night turned out to be the executive director and she told me to get it to her so she could put me to work... so, i am. that'll help my mood, too. it always feels good to help others.

weirdly, i feel a bit better. and the laundry is calling. gotta run.

i really do hate guys.

no, i don't. but i do. sometimes. my track record just isn't gettin' any better. about the only thing i can accomplish is a one-night stand and it seems i can even fuck those up.

i got off a little early from work last night; it was a very weird friday. tim and casey were on their way from the brad paisley concert so they picked me up to go out. we went to hoe downs but it didn't seem anyone was there so we went over to burkhart's. not really anyone there, either so we went to amsterdam. after a few minutes there we went back to burkhart's.

bryen also met us at amsterdam. and went to burkhart's afterwards. not sure what he did after that.

turns out i don't have any shoots today so i'm gonna change daniel's water and do laundry. then i may go talk to buddha or god or some psychic and figure out what i've done.

first day of shooting over!

hurry-up and wait. that's the best way i describe film. very fun, but lots o' down time. lots of cigarettes to stay awake (yeah, i started back...). four large pizzas to feed the cast and crew. a broken glass. broken picture frame. several laughs for the blooper reel. halloween costumes. wow.

we shot one of the most important scenes yesterday. it's a scene involving frank, ben and will. we stop by his house on the way out for halloween. it took about an hour in make-up and about two to film the scene, which is only about a minute long. pretty intense.

zack hudson, a reporter from southern voice (and another albany, ga native) was on the set to interview the directors about the film for their upcoming edition so make sure you pick up a copy.

so, today i'm doing nothing really. all my scenes were rescheduled. jack and i are going to dinner. i think i may go try to watch brokeback mountain. i have several times but i've been interrupted by the roommates boyfriend and a gaggle of gays each time. ugh.

hmmm... i hate that i can't say more about the movie. damn nondisclose agreements.

jeff's engaged!

jeff's gettin' married! awww. too bad for you and me christine. damnit.

anyway, he deserves it. after all, he and catie here have been high school sweet hearts for all of about six years... (i'm almost ready for my ten-year reunion)

he proposed to her at the fox in a balcony. silly boy acted like he was lost... dropped to one knee and asked her to marry him.

she's so lucky. and i'm sure he is, too.

awwwww.

first read-through done...

this is gonna be a bit tougher than i thought. more later. i have to get ready for work.

who would you vote for?

am i the only one who thinks that major league baseball's comeback player of the year is sponsored by viagra?

shouldn't be a problem for the braves as five different players are expecting babies...

speaking of braves, jeff's brother came in to ecco to eat the other night.

tired of sharing.

i've been taught to share since the day i got my first toy. i even had to share my matchbox cars with leah, my younger and only sister. they were boys toys. she didn't need to play with 'em. contrary to popular belief, i didn't play with her dolls (except to chop their hair off or dismember them).

no there are life-size boy toys i'm forced to share. they're called men.

now these, like the cars of my youth, come in all shapes and sizes. some are luxury while others are just (sorry tim..) kia's. some come with accesories while others are just stock.

as a child, i wasn't real particular about which car i liked. i wasn't too fond of the hot-rods with the big engines bulging from the hoods. nor was i a fan of the jaguars, and such. i liked 'em all. they had their own little city i built for them, complete with roads and businesses made from rubbish and twigs and all the cool things little boys like to play with.

why can't i do that now? why is it that when boys quit playing in the dirt, they get dirty? doesn't make sense. and put two boys together and it gets muddy, which is where i'm at now.

boys suck. and they smell funny.

i'm beginning to believe that the only way to have a successful boy-boy relationship in this town is to not be here. i need lesbians -- the big bull-dykas -- and only lesbians to take me to a private island not even accessible by boats (once we get there) and bring me the perfect man.

until that happens, i'm tired of sharin'.

another day in the neighborhood

i'm reading through my script to practice... have a bit of it down already. we begin read-throughs soon, then will begin shooting mid-month.

kyle, justin and i went out last night to a dead-blakes and a weird burkharts. stalker and his posse was out and of course right under us. that freak is amazing. when we were in the back bar he stood there. when we moved to the show bar, he followed us there and stood to the side. he's such a puke.

anyway... i need to call wendell. he's gonna kill me but i've tried to call and his cell is dead and it's midnight afterwards and can't call his house... i'm thinking out loud.

hank is at the beach. miss him.

i had a weird dream last night. for some reason i was driving leslee's car, which was a kia. she wasn't with me and for some reason i had to get to their house quickly. i turned into their drive and spun the car around very james-bondish into the parking spot.

when i walked inside, mrs. rhonda was nude in the living room on the couch and mr. vaughn was standing while asleep in front of the tv. shae, their dog, just barked a few times like she normally does and went to get her toy for me. now that i'm thinking back, jennifer's little yappy dog was nowhere around.

then i went to jennifer's room where she was lying in bed playing a video game and had gifts spread over the bed. they were supposed to be for me but she insisted on opening them and keeping them for herself.

then my phone alarm went off.

i have the weirdest dreams ever.

i need to go shave.

alright... i'm doing pretty good.

it's been four days since my last cigarette. i've quit several times before but this time - so far - doesn't seem so hard. every time i want one i get something to eat. soon i'm gonna have to call jenny craig.

speaking of her... why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time? they can't eat jenny craig with mary kay on their face! (wendell, tell gina that unless she's still readin...)

hank and i are still hanging out. he's a cool guy. very sweet. silly as hell. actually is at asa today in an interview to be a flight attendant. he just called and is taking a drug test, which is a good sign. kinda makes me miss the industry. wouldn't mind getting back in to it but, nah... not now.

hmmm... i got the script for the movie. it's gonna be good. i've got to start practicing. went to print it and kinko's the other day but they wanted $.50 a page... will have to find somewhere else since it is 98 pages long.

i'm eating ravioli and about to iron my clothes for work. more later.

i got the script!

so i went over today and signed my contract and got the script... just got finished reading through it. of course, i cannot say anything about it but i can say that it's an amazing movie.

several twists. bits of comedy. definitely a drama. also, i - or Will - has more time than i thought. should be fun.

more later. i'm at hank's and about to go to sleep.

beat!

so, have you ever sat on a white water rafting tube? i did for three hours and my ass is sore. (no jokes here, please.)

the day was fun, albeit an early start. we rafted the ocoee from where the '96 olympics were held down six miles the river. very fun. several nice class four rapids and no one fell out. we did, however, get to get out of the raft and swim for a bit. was fun.

we ate at some mexican restaurant where we ran into greg and terrance from atlanta. apparently the whole crew at prime buckhead had been rafting, too. how random?

the ride home was hell, though. i crashed for a bit but woke up having to pee like no one's business.

lazy, lazy day.

it feels so nice in my room. i haven't even turned on the lights yet. ordered moe's from zifty and have been playin' online listenin' to dave fm. bum, i know.

i've been working eight days straight and still have two to go. tonight i am cocktail, tomorrow i'm the closing server and friday i have the closing host shift, which means i won't get off work til after midnight each night. ugh.

on saturday, i'm doing a promo modeling promotion for wal-mart. should be fun... several other gay boys are doing it, too. it's a back-to-school promotion for college aged people.

sunday i'm going with the crew white water rafting. haven't been in ages. should be a blast. then i'm sure it'll be back to work, again. such is life in the real world.

last night was quasi-celebrity night in atlanta's gay nightlife... tom from queer-eye was out. and although he's one of the fab five who transform sloppy straight men into metrosexuals, he was in the bar in a white polo with his colar upturned.

in my opinion, that style was never in. but for those that did think they were cool, wasn't that like so yesterday, meaning at least a year ago? so much for being a trail blazer.

then there was e.j. from american idol fame. he's taller than i thought and nellier. put him in a pink dress and hand him a barbie doll. my god.

hmm... i should be getting my scripts this week at some point. will have to bury myself in those for a while. i'm excited and nervous all at the same time.

hmmm. it's 4:30. i should shower. nekkid.

i got the part...

so, yeah. i got the part. had to go through four readings. competed against four guys.

so, i'm will. gay guy. i will have brief nudity. my boyfriend is a black guy (straight in real life).

how's south georgia gonna like this? haha.

i'm excited!

we start filming next month through october... the film should be finished in decemeber or at the beginning of the year. its titled the book of john.

more later... but not too much. i had to sign a non-disclosure contract.

awesome!

alright... totally forgot.

so... i'm checking my e-mail 'cause i just got off work. i have an audition for a movie tomorrow at noon. i totally forgot. well, i sorta forgot. i knew i had it, i just forgot that tomorrow was the day.

so... i'll try to break a leg and let y'all know how it goes.

work went as usual tonight. wendell is here. otherwise, everything is normal.

later.

good morning (that's your afternoon)

so translate it yourself. i went to bed at four. what time where you in bed?

i'm getting so damn tired of my phone charger. it only works once-in-a-while and it wakes me up in the middle of the night beeping. and the reward... when i try to use the phone this morning, it's almost dead. of course, i could buy a new one to resolve this. i've known this for month's. in fact, it began in hawaii. can anyone say procrastinator?

wendell is coming into town this weekend. i think he has a doctors appointment or something like that. we'll probably get into some kind of trouble.

hmmm... i have to close the restaurant tonight but that should be lucrative for me. we'll see. last night wasn't. was working on the patio. way too hot to sit out there right now. i'm possibly transferring to greeter. it's a higher per-hour salary and you're guaranteed to make money. (they're tipped out by the servers... i normally tip an average of $10 to each of them.) i have a few days next week i'm working the door to see how i like it.

alright... i'm gonna shower. tired of sitting here.

so, about jonbenet

i always thought the ramsey's were innocent. there are those freakish mothers out there who make their children sick and shit but i just didn't think patsey was the mold for that. i met her and john once at home depot while they and i lived in vinings. or i should say i saw them. i did, however, wait on john while i worked at roasters. have his business card around here somewhere.

nonetheless, i read their book and watched the news surrounding the murder. i just never saw it in them. besides, after all these years, if it were them, there'd be a hole in the case or a slip of the tongue or something.

turns out it was the idiot in this picture. john mark karr. he is from georgia -- another freak in the cynthia mckinney file -- and was a teacher in conyers. from news reports so far, there hasn't been a clear connection of how this psycho knew the family. he has confessed, though, that he killed the innocent girl and even had sex with her after he drugged her.

being a victim of molestation myself, i have no tolerance nor respect for such people who would prey on the young and innocent. i pray that when they toss him into jail they announce loudly that he is a child molester and solicit the other criminals behind bars to return the favor to him.

i'm certain the family is glad there has been an arrest. they've been quoted as being 'elated.' for so long they were the suspects when all along this idiot has been criss-crossing the country being a teacher and nanny to other young children, no telling how many of them have become victims as well.

patsey, of course, passed away in june.

but, sometimes i wonder if it may have been better for there never to be an answer. i mean just the fact that now there will be a trial and this freak will have to regurgitate every thing he did to her tiny body. every sexual deviance he forced on her fragile frame. why not just take his word for it and throw him away?

god bless the family. as if they haven't had enough, they'll be going through no less than hell one more time.

haven't you always wondered...

there are many things i've always wondered about. one, for instance, is whether "little people" are anatomically correct. or are they larger. obviously, from the picture... well, i still can't tell. but you get the picture, pun intended.

alright, alright... so i know i haven't posted in forever. i've thought about it. i've made mental notes of things i wanted to write yet i just haven't. no excuses.

but, by popular demand, i'm back. my crazy life. friends. foes. all of it. ending unplanned.

so, i'm posting already...

alright. it's not long. maybe 'cause it's early in the freakin' morning. but here's a new post.

more later. the bed is calling.

one t