in south georgia for the holidays...

i was excited to leave atlanta this morning, even if it was to come to sale city, population very little. it's where i grew up and where some of the people i care the most about call home. riding around, you don't see much but it's christmas time so there are a few 'episodes' to beg your attention. mr. doc's house apparently burned a few weeks back and an old trailer we used to call home has been torn down and hauled away.

things do change here. just not much.

shawn and wendell came up to atlanta last night to get me... we went out to drag idol before hitting the landmark and then bed close to five a.m. the light woke me up at about ten this morning; wendell turned it on to get ready. ironically, he felt the need to pad the truth by telling me shawn had to be at work at three, thus guaranteeing a timely departure. as if i'm the one who's not punctual. ah-hem.

perhaps it was because i knew i was escaping the confines of the perimeter but i woke up in a giggly mood this morning. could be the alcohol that continued to seep through my veins. who knows?

the three of us on the way home were like best friends, catty old women and a bunch of drunk sorority girls at the same time. was fun. there should be more times like that.

jennifer and leslee were waiting for me when i got here. as always, we caught up quickly and began to laugh at all the stupid stuff we used to do. we could talk for days and never run out of hilarious and many times dumb shit we've done in the past. we should write a book.

big news, too... they opened a burger king in camilla! haha. being back home. interesting. i jumped from the couch when they told me, much to their comedic relief. it was burger king that got me excited, nor the fact that it's in camilla now. it was the fact that i was fucking starving and had just mentally salivated over a whopper with cheese in my head two minutes earlier.

nonetheless, it was ming yong's that we decided to eat. obviously everyone in mitchell county decided they'd also try out the newest fast food restaurant in town. the buffet was a better choice, i believe because we all gorged ourselves. that restaurant has to be one of the best ever. mmmm.

back in sale city, i decided to go see my mom. wendell and i had seen her earlier at the - yes, there's only one - convenience store in town. she was sitting in the car waiting on greg. of course, she met wendell... pleasantries were exchanged and that was about it. nothing negative, though and even positive comments from both of them later.

leah and lee, mitch, greg, charles and travis were there... try getting a word in edge-wise with that crowd.

everyone eventually left or went to bed so mom and i caught up on things... found out a cousin has cancer... my brother is dating again... heard all about my mom meeting president carter, again.

and then we watched national lampoon's christmas vacation. reminded me of the family. haha. seriously, i think that could be us.

then multiplicity came on... i'd never seen it but we were in conversation so i didn't think about turning it. the movie is about a man who is so busy he clones himself not once or twice but four times so that he can delegate family, work and personal activities... cute movies but i have a point.

one of the clones is gay. ha.

i'm not sure how my mom feels yet now that it's been almost a year since i officially came out to here. however, i was nervous watching the movie. earlier in the evening, a couple gay references where made but quickly tailed off before being finished. it's disheartening to know that your family still feels such bias and spews comedy about your life yet i feel there is hope by the fact that the comments were hushed by their authors before hitting my ears. maybe that doesn't make sense but...

anyway... my mom laughed through the movie just as i did and normally with me. made me realize that we're not so different after all. also makes me believe she's coming around.

funny side note -- just as she closed the living room door to head to the bathroom, a phone sex hotline for gay men was advertised... talk about great timing. that would have been real fun to sit through and possibly explain.

so now it's almost 3:30a.m. and i'm back at jennifer's. not sure what tomorrow will bring other than some last minute -- or actually the beginning -- christmas shopping.

today was a good day.

so many things on my mind...

my mind races like dale earnhardt. well, he's dead but perhaps as fast as his son. there are so many things going on in that eight-pound gourd on my shoulders.

i'm exhausted. on so many levels. i'm finally tired of atlanta. when i moved here from albany, it was a haven. it was what i'd always looked for. it was the place where i could feel most at home. as a flight attendant, i couldn't wait to get back home to my bed, my friends and the places where everyone knew my name.

then i went to hawaii for a reprieve. it was to counter a nervous breakdown, really, which was what i was going through. it helped for a large part but then there were a couple issues that sprang up and gave me a most-unwelcome home. i'm through those things and others that popped up shortly after coming back.

in fact, i'm over most my 'issues.' for once, my environment is well. i have an awesome roommate with a fantastic home. i'm debt free for the most-part. my friends are in good condition, yet far away. i'm back in contact with my mom, although the relationship stinks just like it did way-back-when.

so, i feel as if i'm just 'existing' here. nothing more. i'm going to work. may come straight home or perhaps out to a bar. more often than not it's a bar. then bed. then i'm up again for work. on my days off, i watch t.v., play on the computer and stare aimlessly into the walls that hold me prisoner.

if i were a doctor, i'd say that last month was a bout of depression. i didn't want to see anyone, talk to anyone nor get out of bed.

why? why when all is so well? why would i not get out and enjoy the sun, my friends, this city that i love so well?

i still can't answer... i don't know. but i'm sure it has to do with the fact that i'm pretty much alone here. my closest friends are only a phone call away but the heat from the phone is not match to an in-person hug from them. it's not the same hearing them laugh through tiny speakers. eating alone and talking to them on the phone just is silly.

i've even grown closer to God... i belong to a mail list that sends me daily scripture and bible study. i turn off everything once a day to go through that. i'm better at prayer, both for myself and for others. even on myspace, i found a daily bible verse to post there. mainly for me but in hopes of others seeing it, too.

even so... i'm still just 'existing.'

i've been propositioned with what i believe is an awesom opportunity to move to san diego. i've never visited so i have no clue what it's like. leslee asked me tonight what would be different. honestly, i don't know. perhaps nothing. if there is one thing, though, that i learned in hawaii, it's that being near the water makes you feel alive. when the ship was crashing through the pacific ocean and the spray tickles your face you realize that your life is in the hands of God. you realize that you're alive. you realize that nothing matters but the moment.

when you see the sun set, you believe it's going to come up tomorrow but you're not guaranteed. the wind can cool you or freeze you. still, you can't see it but you know it's there.

i'm a leo. i like challenges. i think the bottom line is that i'm not challenged here. not at all. i love my job but it's not challenging. i like my life, but it's not... ugh. i don't know.

so what if i do move to san diego? what's the difference? i'll just be in another city. wendell is in moultrie. jennifer and leslee will probably never leave mitchell county. kassy and craig are in vegas. matt is in new york. tim's moving to dallas. christine is in roswell and has an opposite schedule. there's no one here anymore.

and i've tried to make friends... this city is full of aquaintances. that's all some will ever be. the bars are atrocious at times. of course there's that troll i have to dodge here, too. i'm just really on the verge of vomiting. i'm sick of this city.

i'm pretty set on leaving. perhaps it won't be san diego but i'm setting my sights on the west coast. if for nothing else, i'd love to go and try it. it seems like heaven, really. water. sun. beach. openminded people.

we'll see. right now i'll just keep wrestling with these thoughts in my head and staring at the wall.

i don't really have a title...

i was walking through the mall today when i suddenly thought, we're all dying, lest we live. leslee had told me about her niece being born earlier this week. i was in a candle store. i was with matt and his family. i had the sudden urge when the thought came to go sit down and write.

it's a bit scary, really. it was almost as if i'm not doing enough. it came boomin into my head drowning out the music, even the scents. it seemed like an omen.

it also comes at a time when i feel as if i'm doing well. my job is going great. i couldn't ask for a better roommate. my friends are in great spots and i have seen most of my best friends within the last week. i'm closer to other friends.

what's missing? why this?

i'm really confused.

illegal immigrants... on my soapbox

alright... i don't know if i've voiced my opinion on this issue, but it's time i do. even if again.

right now, according to ajc.com, about 500 people are circling turner field and planning to march, legally, to the state capitol where they plan to protest our new laws governing illegal immigrants. supposedly, organizers are or were expecting nearly 5,000.

two key words here: illegal. immigrant.

immigration implies long-term permanent residence by the immigrants. you and i are long-term residents as well. we have rights. yet we also have responsibilities.

one of those, however basic, is to know, read, write and speak this nations official language: english. one of the sign carriers today hoisted a banner reading, "i never live from welfare because i hard worker. i just build houses for yu."

while i can understand their not knowing english (i certainly don't know spanish.), there is no excuse for not knowing in an english speaking country. i feel like most agree that if one is to move to another country, it is their language and customs that they should learn.

that's petty, though. the real issue here is not that north america doesn't want their southern neighbors in our country. they really are beautiful people and add to the fabric that has made this land the comforting quilt of immigrants it is.

rather, this country has finally realized that many immigrants, whether spanish-speaking, are a drain to society. many do build homes but it's a job they chose. i work at ecco. i don't have to but it's the job i'm happy in and the one i want. i'm educated and could do other things... they could do the same. further, they could do it free by being a minority. that's certainly not fair but it's the way it is.

welfare, as the man wrote on his placard, is one of the hot points. many immigrants live off welfare while sending their wages to their home countries where it is converted into their currency, often times at a great exchange rate.

as an american, which through a legal process any immigrant can apply for citizenship, we have responsibilities. we have to pay taxes. there is no way around it. and we are a tax-paying society in order to maintain the standards of living in which we're accustomed.

we pay taxes to pave roads. build schools, which educate future generations. provide care for those who can't afford it. buy food for women with children. provide social security for those who've busted their asses for years.

then you have these people who come here and expect to partake in these things without investing a dime. can you imagine what a banker would say to you should you go into their branch and ask to withdraw money when you've never deposited any? hell no, he'd say. laugh in your face, probably.

another point of contention is violence. while i don't have the statistics, we all know and understand that immigrants are often trouble makers. it's a stereotype, sure, but it is one that holds true much of the time. they are also targets themselves with criminals realizing many of them carry and keep large sums of cash.

perhaps there are holes in the laws, which should be tweaked. perhaps those with families or those of a couple generations here should be grandfathered or something similar. but it is high time that the united states gets a grip on this growing population that is eating away the coffers of cities, counties, states and our nation.

forgive georgia for being tough and on the forefront of this move but i'm standing tall and in full agreement that there needs to be enforcement of laws that have been on the books for years.

follow the laws, accept the responsibilities of this country as well as all our wonderful rights and privileges or take your ass home. the end.

christmas is soon...

because halloween is near, i know christmas is around the corner. the first item on my wish list is this:

you can decide on whether you want to get him or just the underwear or both.

thanks jeff, braves!

alright... so todays match-up between the braves and the astros didn't hold as much significance. but it was those assholes who knocked us out of the play-offs the past two years.

so it was fitting that it was my boy jeff who caught the last ball of the season sending those texas idiots packin'.

i could so use another month of baseball (i'll still watch and cheer for -- hold your breath -- the yankees.). but i can only see what next year can be.

thanks, jeff. thanks braves for another awesome season.

i caught a foul ball!

sippin' on beer at joe's and wondering what to do for the rest of a more-than-beautiful day, jack and i decided to go to the braves game. it was the last, after all, of the season that i could get to. it was the next to last anyone could go to since we're not going to the play-offs for the first time since 1990.

so, we bought nosebleeds. thanks to a coupon someone had left at the box office, i quickly pretended it was mine and bought our seats buy-one-get-one-free.

before we walked away, i was already complaining that they weren't good seats. too high. and the beer was a long walk.

the game was a good game until near the end when renteria threw a ball past marcus. marcus had made a stupid error just prior.

anyway... it was a nail-biter and one that i desperately wished we'd win. i didn't - and don't - want the asshole astros in the post-season. if we can't go, neither should they.

and you know my rule... you don't leave until the game is over, no matter what.

so it was no surpise that i was sitting in my seat, leanin' over the rail with my nails in my mouth hoping adam laroche would knock one outta the park.

he was down in the count... swung... and knocked it directly behind home plate into the upper deck where i was sitting (in those terrible seats i had complained about).

as if in slow motin, the ball soared into the sky, arched and began to come down. i was dangerously close to the rail already, leanin' over in nervousness and anticipation.

i stood... keeping my eye on the ball and took a step back waiting for it to plunge into the seats. i would love to lie and say i caught it bare-handed with just one hand. but, nah, i didn't.

i dropped it but it rolled right between my feet where on the way down i locked eyes with about a four-year-old girl.

*#@k her. it was my thought as i snatched it up and ashamedly showed it to jack and the surrounding fans who were cheering (for what... i don't know).

dont' hate me. wendell said the same thing about the girl and so did jack.

anyway... on the next pitch, adam swung and missed. the braves lost. but i got a game ball, which has never happened and i am absolutely effin stoked.

what girl?

top o' the mornin' to ya.

so my irish roots are coming out. (so are my grey ones...) sue me. and i know it's not morning. it's 2:24 and i'm eating chic-fil-a. speaking of which, the guy who waited on me was oh-way-so-obviously gay. explain that one.

anyway... my manager at work needed to move a television so i asked tim to borrow a truck, which he did. (thanks SO much, tim.) while i was at the dealership, i looked at the cars he had. i was stuck on a truck (haha, that rhymed) but changed my mind when i saw a bmw and a volvo. i'm not a brand whore - i'm really not - but they both caught my attention.

the bmw is out of my price range but the volvo is just below my maximum. so, i asked to test drive it... (tim, i didn't have time to tell you but i got lost. sorry.) i'm in love with it. it's a 2002 volvo s60 t5. just 62k miles. leather seats. sunroof. automatic. power everything. black, which meets my requirement of not-another white vehicle.

we're gonna talk about it later today... perhaps i'll be in a new car soon. yay me! if not that one, some car. soon. but i really like that one.

oh... i'm taking donations. mail them to me or send me an email at mathewneedsmoneyforanewcar@mathewwithonet.net.

in other business, i'm bored.

i have to be at work at five and have no clue what i will wear. i think i should probably run lines with myself, too. not sure what scenes we're shooting this weekend.

hmmm. strawberry milkshakes from chic-fil-a are oh-so-tasty. yeah. it's melting. i gotta go.

my friend, dave, says...

where are you going, with your long face pulling down? don't hide away, like an ocean that you can't see but you can smell... and the sound of waves crash down

i am no superman. i have no reasons for you. i am no hero, aww that's for sure.

but i do know one thing: is where you are is where i belong. i do know, where you go, is where i wanna be.

where are you going? where do you go? are you lookin' for answers to questions under the stars? well if along the way you are growin weary, you can rest with me; until a brighter day, you're ok.

tell me where are you going? where? let's go.

becoming asexual, by mathew palmer

it's my new book, coming at some point. i feel that might be something i can't fuck up. but i'd probably complain to myself that i wasn't hitting the right spot or i was being too rough or something.

hmmm... i still haven't done laundry but i sware i'm starting it after i finish this post. i'll have plenty of free time. don't have to go to work until five today. not going out. then don't have to be back at work again until five wednesday.

had my first shift yesterday as lead/opening greeter. was a breeze. worked until nine, though, which wasn't too cool. especially since bryen was waiting since eight.

we ate burger king and watched finding nemo before having a tell-all before bed. as much as i hated -- for several reasons -- what i was hearing, i needed to hear it. wow.

i told him, and i believe - i really do, that god has me in some fucking experimental test-your-patience and snatch all you like and love out from under you lab rat type thingie. who knows?

that's where the asexual thing comes in. i can imagine whomever i want in whatever compromising position i want and make them shut up when i say so... should be fun.

don't expect the book too soon, though. i'm doing laundry.

ugh.

why is it that i have to be mad or upset to clean? whatever the reason, it's a good thing in the words of my pal martha stewart. i am beginning to do laundry, which hasn't been done in forever. my tub is literally filled with towels.

i changed daniels water. poor fish was about to drown in a pool of water reminiscent of the bat cave. he's happy now.

i really don't hate boys like i said. i love them. i want one. but i'm tired of being hurt. really fucking disgusted with being hurt.

why is it that i like and love so easily and they just can dispose of their emotions like a ragged tee shirt... what am i doing wrong?

i really don't want to be the jaded, bitter queen no one wants to be around. i hate those. but i'm slowly becoming one. i have to remind myself that the next guy isn't the last although the qualities are almost like a mirror to the one before. they deserve a chance, some credit, right?

my mood is just blah today. not really a bad mood. certainly not good but just somewhere in a vortex in between.

i need to shower. i have to shave. i'm hungry. maybe there is something to do? i wish it was a bit warmer... i'd go to the pool.

i need to get out of town but i have absolutely no free time until this movie thing is done. i'm working five days and have shoots on the weekend (not that i'm complaining; i'm totally stoked about it and having a blast.).

speaking of work... i'm transferring to be lead greeter at ecco. i may still wait tables once-in-a-while but the door offers less hours, less work and more (consistent) money. it can't be a bad thing.

once i do have some free time, i'm going to be volunteering at the center for visually impaired. i got the information way back when but never turned it in. a guest at ecco the other night turned out to be the executive director and she told me to get it to her so she could put me to work... so, i am. that'll help my mood, too. it always feels good to help others.

weirdly, i feel a bit better. and the laundry is calling. gotta run.

i really do hate guys.

no, i don't. but i do. sometimes. my track record just isn't gettin' any better. about the only thing i can accomplish is a one-night stand and it seems i can even fuck those up.

i got off a little early from work last night; it was a very weird friday. tim and casey were on their way from the brad paisley concert so they picked me up to go out. we went to hoe downs but it didn't seem anyone was there so we went over to burkhart's. not really anyone there, either so we went to amsterdam. after a few minutes there we went back to burkhart's.

bryen also met us at amsterdam. and went to burkhart's afterwards. not sure what he did after that.

turns out i don't have any shoots today so i'm gonna change daniel's water and do laundry. then i may go talk to buddha or god or some psychic and figure out what i've done.

first day of shooting over!

hurry-up and wait. that's the best way i describe film. very fun, but lots o' down time. lots of cigarettes to stay awake (yeah, i started back...). four large pizzas to feed the cast and crew. a broken glass. broken picture frame. several laughs for the blooper reel. halloween costumes. wow.

we shot one of the most important scenes yesterday. it's a scene involving frank, ben and will. we stop by his house on the way out for halloween. it took about an hour in make-up and about two to film the scene, which is only about a minute long. pretty intense.

zack hudson, a reporter from southern voice (and another albany, ga native) was on the set to interview the directors about the film for their upcoming edition so make sure you pick up a copy.

so, today i'm doing nothing really. all my scenes were rescheduled. jack and i are going to dinner. i think i may go try to watch brokeback mountain. i have several times but i've been interrupted by the roommates boyfriend and a gaggle of gays each time. ugh.

hmmm... i hate that i can't say more about the movie. damn nondisclose agreements.

jeff's engaged!

jeff's gettin' married! awww. too bad for you and me christine. damnit.

anyway, he deserves it. after all, he and catie here have been high school sweet hearts for all of about six years... (i'm almost ready for my ten-year reunion)

he proposed to her at the fox in a balcony. silly boy acted like he was lost... dropped to one knee and asked her to marry him.

she's so lucky. and i'm sure he is, too.

awwwww.

first read-through done...

this is gonna be a bit tougher than i thought. more later. i have to get ready for work.

who would you vote for?

am i the only one who thinks that major league baseball's comeback player of the year is sponsored by viagra?

shouldn't be a problem for the braves as five different players are expecting babies...

speaking of braves, jeff's brother came in to ecco to eat the other night.

tired of sharing.

i've been taught to share since the day i got my first toy. i even had to share my matchbox cars with leah, my younger and only sister. they were boys toys. she didn't need to play with 'em. contrary to popular belief, i didn't play with her dolls (except to chop their hair off or dismember them).

no there are life-size boy toys i'm forced to share. they're called men.

now these, like the cars of my youth, come in all shapes and sizes. some are luxury while others are just (sorry tim..) kia's. some come with accesories while others are just stock.

as a child, i wasn't real particular about which car i liked. i wasn't too fond of the hot-rods with the big engines bulging from the hoods. nor was i a fan of the jaguars, and such. i liked 'em all. they had their own little city i built for them, complete with roads and businesses made from rubbish and twigs and all the cool things little boys like to play with.

why can't i do that now? why is it that when boys quit playing in the dirt, they get dirty? doesn't make sense. and put two boys together and it gets muddy, which is where i'm at now.

boys suck. and they smell funny.

i'm beginning to believe that the only way to have a successful boy-boy relationship in this town is to not be here. i need lesbians -- the big bull-dykas -- and only lesbians to take me to a private island not even accessible by boats (once we get there) and bring me the perfect man.

until that happens, i'm tired of sharin'.

another day in the neighborhood

i'm reading through my script to practice... have a bit of it down already. we begin read-throughs soon, then will begin shooting mid-month.

kyle, justin and i went out last night to a dead-blakes and a weird burkharts. stalker and his posse was out and of course right under us. that freak is amazing. when we were in the back bar he stood there. when we moved to the show bar, he followed us there and stood to the side. he's such a puke.

anyway... i need to call wendell. he's gonna kill me but i've tried to call and his cell is dead and it's midnight afterwards and can't call his house... i'm thinking out loud.

hank is at the beach. miss him.

i had a weird dream last night. for some reason i was driving leslee's car, which was a kia. she wasn't with me and for some reason i had to get to their house quickly. i turned into their drive and spun the car around very james-bondish into the parking spot.

when i walked inside, mrs. rhonda was nude in the living room on the couch and mr. vaughn was standing while asleep in front of the tv. shae, their dog, just barked a few times like she normally does and went to get her toy for me. now that i'm thinking back, jennifer's little yappy dog was nowhere around.

then i went to jennifer's room where she was lying in bed playing a video game and had gifts spread over the bed. they were supposed to be for me but she insisted on opening them and keeping them for herself.

then my phone alarm went off.

i have the weirdest dreams ever.

i need to go shave.

alright... i'm doing pretty good.

it's been four days since my last cigarette. i've quit several times before but this time - so far - doesn't seem so hard. every time i want one i get something to eat. soon i'm gonna have to call jenny craig.

speaking of her... why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time? they can't eat jenny craig with mary kay on their face! (wendell, tell gina that unless she's still readin...)

hank and i are still hanging out. he's a cool guy. very sweet. silly as hell. actually is at asa today in an interview to be a flight attendant. he just called and is taking a drug test, which is a good sign. kinda makes me miss the industry. wouldn't mind getting back in to it but, nah... not now.

hmmm... i got the script for the movie. it's gonna be good. i've got to start practicing. went to print it and kinko's the other day but they wanted $.50 a page... will have to find somewhere else since it is 98 pages long.

i'm eating ravioli and about to iron my clothes for work. more later.

i got the script!

so i went over today and signed my contract and got the script... just got finished reading through it. of course, i cannot say anything about it but i can say that it's an amazing movie.

several twists. bits of comedy. definitely a drama. also, i - or Will - has more time than i thought. should be fun.

more later. i'm at hank's and about to go to sleep.

beat!

so, have you ever sat on a white water rafting tube? i did for three hours and my ass is sore. (no jokes here, please.)

the day was fun, albeit an early start. we rafted the ocoee from where the '96 olympics were held down six miles the river. very fun. several nice class four rapids and no one fell out. we did, however, get to get out of the raft and swim for a bit. was fun.

we ate at some mexican restaurant where we ran into greg and terrance from atlanta. apparently the whole crew at prime buckhead had been rafting, too. how random?

the ride home was hell, though. i crashed for a bit but woke up having to pee like no one's business.

lazy, lazy day.

it feels so nice in my room. i haven't even turned on the lights yet. ordered moe's from zifty and have been playin' online listenin' to dave fm. bum, i know.

i've been working eight days straight and still have two to go. tonight i am cocktail, tomorrow i'm the closing server and friday i have the closing host shift, which means i won't get off work til after midnight each night. ugh.

on saturday, i'm doing a promo modeling promotion for wal-mart. should be fun... several other gay boys are doing it, too. it's a back-to-school promotion for college aged people.

sunday i'm going with the crew white water rafting. haven't been in ages. should be a blast. then i'm sure it'll be back to work, again. such is life in the real world.

last night was quasi-celebrity night in atlanta's gay nightlife... tom from queer-eye was out. and although he's one of the fab five who transform sloppy straight men into metrosexuals, he was in the bar in a white polo with his colar upturned.

in my opinion, that style was never in. but for those that did think they were cool, wasn't that like so yesterday, meaning at least a year ago? so much for being a trail blazer.

then there was e.j. from american idol fame. he's taller than i thought and nellier. put him in a pink dress and hand him a barbie doll. my god.

hmm... i should be getting my scripts this week at some point. will have to bury myself in those for a while. i'm excited and nervous all at the same time.

hmmm. it's 4:30. i should shower. nekkid.

i got the part...

so, yeah. i got the part. had to go through four readings. competed against four guys.

so, i'm will. gay guy. i will have brief nudity. my boyfriend is a black guy (straight in real life).

how's south georgia gonna like this? haha.

i'm excited!

we start filming next month through october... the film should be finished in decemeber or at the beginning of the year. its titled the book of john.

more later... but not too much. i had to sign a non-disclosure contract.

awesome!

alright... totally forgot.

so... i'm checking my e-mail 'cause i just got off work. i have an audition for a movie tomorrow at noon. i totally forgot. well, i sorta forgot. i knew i had it, i just forgot that tomorrow was the day.

so... i'll try to break a leg and let y'all know how it goes.

work went as usual tonight. wendell is here. otherwise, everything is normal.

later.

good morning (that's your afternoon)

so translate it yourself. i went to bed at four. what time where you in bed?

i'm getting so damn tired of my phone charger. it only works once-in-a-while and it wakes me up in the middle of the night beeping. and the reward... when i try to use the phone this morning, it's almost dead. of course, i could buy a new one to resolve this. i've known this for month's. in fact, it began in hawaii. can anyone say procrastinator?

wendell is coming into town this weekend. i think he has a doctors appointment or something like that. we'll probably get into some kind of trouble.

hmmm... i have to close the restaurant tonight but that should be lucrative for me. we'll see. last night wasn't. was working on the patio. way too hot to sit out there right now. i'm possibly transferring to greeter. it's a higher per-hour salary and you're guaranteed to make money. (they're tipped out by the servers... i normally tip an average of $10 to each of them.) i have a few days next week i'm working the door to see how i like it.

alright... i'm gonna shower. tired of sitting here.

so, about jonbenet

i always thought the ramsey's were innocent. there are those freakish mothers out there who make their children sick and shit but i just didn't think patsey was the mold for that. i met her and john once at home depot while they and i lived in vinings. or i should say i saw them. i did, however, wait on john while i worked at roasters. have his business card around here somewhere.

nonetheless, i read their book and watched the news surrounding the murder. i just never saw it in them. besides, after all these years, if it were them, there'd be a hole in the case or a slip of the tongue or something.

turns out it was the idiot in this picture. john mark karr. he is from georgia -- another freak in the cynthia mckinney file -- and was a teacher in conyers. from news reports so far, there hasn't been a clear connection of how this psycho knew the family. he has confessed, though, that he killed the innocent girl and even had sex with her after he drugged her.

being a victim of molestation myself, i have no tolerance nor respect for such people who would prey on the young and innocent. i pray that when they toss him into jail they announce loudly that he is a child molester and solicit the other criminals behind bars to return the favor to him.

i'm certain the family is glad there has been an arrest. they've been quoted as being 'elated.' for so long they were the suspects when all along this idiot has been criss-crossing the country being a teacher and nanny to other young children, no telling how many of them have become victims as well.

patsey, of course, passed away in june.

but, sometimes i wonder if it may have been better for there never to be an answer. i mean just the fact that now there will be a trial and this freak will have to regurgitate every thing he did to her tiny body. every sexual deviance he forced on her fragile frame. why not just take his word for it and throw him away?

god bless the family. as if they haven't had enough, they'll be going through no less than hell one more time.

haven't you always wondered...

there are many things i've always wondered about. one, for instance, is whether "little people" are anatomically correct. or are they larger. obviously, from the picture... well, i still can't tell. but you get the picture, pun intended.

alright, alright... so i know i haven't posted in forever. i've thought about it. i've made mental notes of things i wanted to write yet i just haven't. no excuses.

but, by popular demand, i'm back. my crazy life. friends. foes. all of it. ending unplanned.

so, i'm posting already...

alright. it's not long. maybe 'cause it's early in the freakin' morning. but here's a new post.

more later. the bed is calling.

one t

my second birthday at swinging richards...

haha. why is it that girls (sometimes) have all the fun? more on that later.

so it's a few days before my birthday and leah was in town so we went out to dinner, then i promised to take her to her first gay bar. then... her cousin adrian was with us... we started talking about swinging richards. she said i must take leah.

then leah screwed up. she told me her boyfriend said no.

ha.

so, as i pulled into the parking lot... haha. i warned leah about the strong drinks but it was alright since we were only having one. i won last week at family feud at blake's and had to go back to defend my title -- we lost.

but anyway, back to richards... at the time we walked in, all the horses -ahem- were on the stage. wow. leah was floored. haha. so was i.

so, we wandered to the opposite side of the stage, she with her crown and coke and me with my budweiser and found a table. front and center. i made her sit in front.

slyly, i asked her to pick out her favorite (i had a plan for later). she did, which so happended to be my favorite, too. guess we have good taste. also, i had cash on the table, which i kept giving her to stuff in their bands... i didn't tell her to hold a conversation with this guy.

anyway, i told him -- oh, yeah... i tipped too. -- that i needed a dance for my sister. anything for her, he said.

and what a dance it was. we had to move to the back of the room - some new rule i guess. so, leah plops onto a bar stool, he stands in front and i move over to the side. we talk until the end of the song... he wants to dance to another one and the full length, he said.

i understand now why we went to the back of the room.

i gave leah her space but snuck a peak from time-to-time, especially when i saw the tails of her blouse being bounced up by his... he was erect! that never happens to me! and it was my birthday.

again! this year.

oh well. she had fun and so did i.

and her boyfriend can kiss my ass.

tomorrow is the fourth...

has it ever occurred to you that we celebrate holidays... the whole nation shuts down... and we really don't even celebrate - or sometimes know - the true meaning of the holiday?

as for the fourth, of course it's independance day. but we've been independent for so long i can see why the true meaning is left adrift in the smoke pouring from backyard grills and in the suds of beer spilling around the pool.

now that i think of it, how could we better celebrate our independence? perhaps a little humbleness... thankfulness. maybe giving up a 'right' for a day just to learn appreciation.

alright... i'm off that soap box.

my friend kelley - the one who took me to meet pink, see american idol finals live - has struck again. with her five little fingers, she's the speed-dial queen of the world! this time it's an exclusive q-100 atlanta party for just 150 people atop b.e.d. atlanta by centennial park for the fireworks show tomorrow night.

that's my plans.

i've been good lately, i think, about keeping in touch with folks. there are still some left on the agenda but i talked to ben the other day as well as some folks from the ship, my sister, my mom, adam - although he's still the same - even joe from way back. probably more to come about him. we'll see.

i'm still loving my job. in fact, i am a trainer and a closer so i've been working with management on re-vamping the duties of servers. should make things a bit easier although it's truly the easiest place i've ever worked.

and - we serve the best food! if you haven't been, you need to make reservations (make sure i'm working...). www.fifthgroup.com... ecco.

alright. i'm about to go grill pork chops. and smoke away some independence early.

surprise!

i am, in fact, still alive. doing well, actually, too...

i have been settling back into atlanta life and work life and personal life and all the things that take time, energy and emotion. it's not taken it's toll but it has been a bit rough around the edges at times.

let's see... i've dated and broke up. i've not been to a braves game in way-too-long. i've been practically stalked by a psycho.

yet... i've moved into a very comfortable place. i love my roommate. i've met many interesting friends. i've had closure with those who need it and made the effort to contact those which i'd lost touch. i've attempted to become a better friend to those closest to me.

i'm working on my being a responsible person. talking to my mom more, although that's still the shaky thing it's always been. i'm paying my bills. doing what it takes to get into school, which still means about $700 more in student loans, not to count what it will take for the first semester (may be spring before i can swing it... but not losing hope at all).

i'm evolving or growing up or morphing or something.

and i am gonna try to post more. stay tuned.

seeing celine... in vegas!

alright. so here i am in vegas for the first time. if it weren't dark, i'd be able to see a mountain range i can't name out the window. it was there today but now it's dark and i cannot see anything other than the homes across the street and the lamps that light the streets surrounding them.

however, ceaser's palace and the las vegas strip are a total different story. that's where i was earlier. it wasn't until craig woke up in a frenzy that we headed out the door to see celine dion in her always-sold-out show, a new day. he'd told me it was possible but not to count on it. however, his friend j-stan came through and invited us as his guests to the show.

admittedly, i am not a celine fan. however, having used several of her songs in gymnastics shows in high school and being a fan of titanic, i knew most of her songs. and then there are a couple that i know and which can bring me to tears at times because i'm the damn hopeless romantic i am.

still, i didn't know what the show would be like. john crowe of gsu fame would have melted. me... kinda indifferent but still excited.

i'm home now... and i am blown away. her... the accomodations... the show... the night altogether. one word - wow.

dreamed up by the creator of cirque de soliel, her show is a combination of her talent and the majesty of cirque. dancers are amazing and fluent througout with props flying through the air and dropping from the ceiling with a huge - the largest indoors in the world - video wall at backstage.

speaking of backstage... our perch was in the lighting booth above all the audience with a fabulous - did i just use that word - view! our own monitor kept a close-up of the canadian the whole show. take that ticket-payers!

following the performance, j-stan took us backstage and into celine's personal elevator equipped with her own portable heater to keep her vocal chords in check. then onto make-up, costume and other backstage rooms, including elton john's green room of sorts. i have pictures, which i'll upload at some point. one of which is craig and i outside her dressing room. the look on craig's face is priceless: about the time the picture was taken, you could hear celine inside. i'll post it. you have to see it for yourself.

afterwards, j-stan introduced us to many people, some of which we'd met prior to the show including celine's brother and band members as well as several of the dancers.

we shared - or had beers with him at the bar before leaving for a jaunt in vegas' gay nightlife, which i must admit pales in comparison to atlanta. it's wednesday night, though... atlanta wins here, hands down.

still, the night was amazing. it's something i won't get to do in atlanta and would not have been able to do here without having been craig's friend. he's something else. i'm gonna miss that fucker in atlanta. especially knowing he's out here rubbing elbows with all these people i met tonight. dimmit.

ugh... life goes on.

ya know, sometimes when you think you have it bad, you realize... no, you don't. and then, sometimes, when you think you are getting everything together, you realize... no, you don't.

so, here i am. i moved out of tom's for reasons i've told those who need to know. despite all, i'm sure the rumor mill will be - or is - churning. so be it. i'm a user, etc. at least that's what's been said. bottom line is tom biederman is out of my life and i'm a fool for allowing him to stay so long. i'm a fool for allowing him to lie to me so many times and come between me and my friends who i was all the while demanding be nice to his sorry ass.

that's enough of that.

i think i have found a roommate... going to vegas to help craig drive only to turn around and come back. wish i had more time to enjoy myself out there. oh well. i'll go back.

just a week and a few days before i start work. i'm excited. not only is it a new restaurant but and upscale one and one with awesome management, at least from first impressions. also, it's only open for dinner so it will allow me to go to school during the day and work at night so as not to conflict with each other. i pray all goes well with school... with all that's happened in the past, i foresee some stumbling block. not a good outlook, i know, but nonetheless... come on.

speaking of stumbling blocks, the dude jason i was talking to turned out to be... i so want to be mean about it but i can't. he was a great guy and i thought he would certainly be someone that would last. unfortunately, after having talked to his exboyfriend, he said he is not over him. once again, back to sqaure one.

where the hell did that square one comment come from? why the hell does it matter and why am i thinking about it?

ugh...

i'm at monte's. we're about to leave for birmingham. he has a show there tonight to open birmingham's rights of spring weekend or something to that effect. should be fun. always is.

i'm gonna check my e-mail and then go fall down the stairs. i'm gonna attempt to walk down but with my luck, i'll fall so i'm being optimistic about pessimistic bullshit. how's that for ya coffee?

happy easter, i guess.

it's more of an emotional easter. whew.

let me begin by saying that i had such a wonderful time today. all the family was home with the exception of three - amazing, since i have a very large extended family. we do it that way.

we started off with sunrise services to which we were late. only by a bit, though. we had not gone to bed until late and with this sinus craziness, i could not sleep well. about the time the sheep stopped jumping over the bed, the monkees in the alarm clock starting banging the cymbals.

i drove next to ninety all the way to baker county, normally a thirty minute trip, beginning at 6:50. glad the troopers and good 'ole boys were fixin' their coffee an scavanging for their morning doughnut.

sunrise service is normally so cold or at least that is how i remember it. today was different. i think it was about sixty degrees.

the ladies of the church prepared breakfast for us, which was delicious. bacon, eggs, grits and biscuits. afterwards i had to take a friend of my cousins home so he could be with his family... i only had to go because alex and dylan wanted to drive. the condition was if i said yes. they're uncle clint's son's - he was my uncle who died early of cancer when alex was three and dylan ten months. how could i say no? they're my pride!

alex is older and i think he wants to be a ghetto dale earnhardt. i had to remind him that he'd just totaled a car - he's 17 - a couple years ago on this same road, speeding. dylan drove back... and told me he was only 14 after driving about a mile down the road. nice.

back at church, we waited for sunday school to finish. the church is in the real, real backwoods of baker county. just a little white country church that my family has gone to all my life. in fact, the congregation is probably eighty percent kin.

it was nice to see everyone... nice to be back in church. but it didn't last long. well, it was still nice but...

you may remember my grandmother passing away in december 2004. if you were around, you know how it affected me. i thought i was through the mourning or the crying or whatever stage but realized today that i still miss that dynamic woman like crazy.

ya see, she had a voice only rivaled by angels. it's bass rattled windows and opened hearts. it rang through the small wood-paneling church like silk. i loved it and it's a sound as common as the piano on sunday mornings. you knew my nannie was in church.

i thought about her, of course. sunrise services were held in the cemetary adjacent to her, my dad and pa pa's graves. it's in stone, literally, right there. hard not to think about it. but it wasn't until we began to sing 'the old rugged cross' that i lost it.

i made it through the first verse and was into the chorus when i looked over where she normally sat and then at the song book and realized that this was the part when she'd sing the backup. the building might as well have been silent 'cause it was to me.

i tried to compose myself. i swallowed hard. tried to keep singing but the words wouldn't come out. the more i tried to sing, the harder the tears flowed. it was natural and there was nothing i could do to stop it. not that i really wanted to but i didn't want to be a basket-case there easter morning. at the funeral, i was nothing less.

so... i gave jennifer the song book (i think) and walked out. as luck would have it, the pastor called for 'fellowship' where you shake everyone's hand you haven't seen or welcome others or what-have-ya. several people came outside so i pretended to blow my nose. well, no, i did. but i was crying and really wanted to be alone.

jennifer, being the awesome friend she is, came to check on me, which i appreciate... and then aunt joyce came out. well, we both embraced and just cried. she said they did that often. that they remember nannie, too. and sometimes it's hard. today was one of those days.

i composed myself and made it back although i still couldn't sing. i just couldn't. i don't know that i'll ever be able to walk in that church and sing without hearing her voice. it's just not 'church' anymore without her.

unfortunately, i cannot tell you what the preacher talked about but it had something to do with easter, i'm certain.

after church, we met at aunt bebe's, who is actually nannie's sister. it won't be long, we fear, that she, too, will pass. she's not doing well at all. her husband, uncle ben, is not doing well either.

seems the whole family is having issues as my uncle had a stroke last week and my cousin - only 35 - was diagnosed with a termianl illness. talk about a draining weekend.

in all this, one might see despair but instead i saw just how close our family really is. i miss being a day-to-day part of it. when it comes down to it, there is not one person in our family, extended or not, that wouldn't be there for another. prayer is rampant. and even in all this sickness and sadness, rooms are brightened by smiles. it's amazing. it's also another legacy of my nannie. she had a beautiful smile and a hearty laugh.

we went by to see angie and her mom for a bit before heading to sale city. of course, we had to rehash some high school memories and even some after high school memories. oh my.

on to my mom's... went better than i thought but not as good as i expected. does that make sense? i didn't talk to my aunt other than to say that i was good when she asked me how i was doing after an hour or so of being there. i intended not to speak.

as i told my mom when she told me i should speak, i'm just not ready. i'm not going to play the she should speak first or all those games... but i'm not ready to talk. if i do, i'm afraid that what i might say might be more malicious than constructive so i'll wait. if it's wrong, then i am. but, that's me.

charles was there in his throne. didn't have much to say to him, either.

contrary, my mother and i talked while i ate and enjoyed leah's company for a bit. the food was amazing and something i've missed as well. the cousins and stuff were there as well but i didn't really associate with them before so not talking and hanging out with them was not abnormal.

i napped in the recliner for about an hour before i woke up to my brother prodding me in the side. i don't know why folks like to bother me - and take pictures of me - while i'm asleep.

trying my best to put all this behind me, i asked my mom to come outside to talk. she and i sat outside in the swing and talked for more than hour. just what i've wanted. her answers weren't magic and mine weren't soothing but we're communicating. we're making baby steps and are approaching a brisk walk but it's going to take time.

i won't discuss all the we talked about but it dealt a lot with my coming out to her. i wanted to make sure she was doing well with it, that she had someone to talk to and to let her know that i was willing to be open to her if she had questions.

it's this mom that i miss when she gets in her moods - perhaps that's where i get my moods and 'mathew days' from. i just like it when she stays like this. maybe if we continue to be open, it will.

on to other things... christine is returning from florida tomorrow so i'm meeting her after getting some trade at the truck stop on one of the exits off interstate 75 so i can ride back with her. thanks, by the way! she'll get to meet jennifer, too, which should be fun.

i've got a house listing on myrtle that i plan to look at this week, too, so perhaps i'll be in a place before weeks end or soon after. we'll see!

things are looking up and, although a bit sad and concerned, i had a very invigorating, fun, inspiring, awesome time this weekend.

i'll try to live by this and will ask you, too... do what it takes to keep your friends and family. don't compromise yourself but realize that they're not forever. it hurts when they're gone.

i can die happy now...

haha. if only i was a redneck, country boy. got the country part. missing the redneck, although i do have a red neck from the sun...

see, what had happened was... wendell, jennifer and i decided to make this weekend, at least a day of it, all about relaxing and not dealing with all the 'folks.' we decided a day at the pond would be better. and it was.

after getting my hair cut and walking around the square in moultrie, where there was a street fair of some sort, wendell and i made our way to his house. jennifer was to meet us but she still had her lazy butt in bed so we had to wait a bit.

now i hadn't been fishin' in a coon's age (i'm using this lingo to make it sound good 'n country). i was genuinely excited. and, of course, jennifer and wendell are two of my best friends in the whole wide world (not to be confused with that internet thingie, the world wide web) and a day with them could be good watching the pines grow.

anyway, jennifer managed to make it outta bed where she said she'd been dreaming that she was already with us... weird. we took the caddy to the pond house and decided to crank the music way up loud. country, of course.

jennifer and i launched the boat, which only had one oar, and made our way to the opposite edge of the pond, which was strewn with clumps of trees and brush. fish certainly were hiding there.

i got a tiny nibble and my hook hung on stumps a couple times. jennifer experienced the same thing as the wind gently coasted us across the otherwise still water. many times we'd have to row, row, row our boat back to the other side where i just knew there were fish.

it was until hours into this trek... imagine me sitting still and being patient that long... that i, yes i, caught the first fish. in the beginning, i believed that i had once again hung the hook on a downed limb beneath the surface. nope. it was a fish this time.

and i was proud. it was a big 'un. could feed... well, me. only me. and i couldn't share.

shortly afterwards, jennifer had to excuse herself back to sale city where she'd celebrate her brothers birthday and hurriedly yet respectfully return to the pond.

mmm-hmmm. she shoulda been there.

what had happened this time was... mmm-hmmm. ole' gimp wendell had made his way into the boat and he and i made the same merry-go-round 'round the pond like jennifer and i. this time, though, the wind was a bit kinder being still and allowing us to float in an area a decent amount of time.

still, it whispered as it carried us into a thicket of sorts near the end of the clear part of the pond and into the area where it becomes more marsh-like. by the way, the day could not have been any more beautiful or pleasant. it was like god had the biggest smile on his face.

we were tiring of being on the water. i was still the only one to had caught a fish despite wendell's having a buffet for the little fishies on three seperate poles. i voiced my boredom, which probably went unheard since wendell had his cell phone plastered to his noggin. typical gay man in the wild. ha.

i cast out into an area - being the expert i am - that i thought would surely produce a catch. boy, did it.

again, i thought i was hooked on a stump or sumpin 'cause i was reelin' and reelin' and reelin' and i just wasn't seeing the line shorten at all. no water moving. no nothing. but i was still reelin'.

wendell began to get excited and clap - i promise - yelling that i had a big one and was like a beauty pageant mother at contest time. oh my. about the time he got cranked up, jaws jumped out of the water. and that's no fish tale (pun intended)! when i saw this fish, i thought it was a shark. why i didn't remember i was in a fresh-water pond in south georgia where sharks do not live, i have no clue. i thought it was a shark. first impressions. they're a bitch.

i'm still reelin' and i hear wendell telling scott he must go to help me get this fish in the boat. remember, he's nursing a gimp leg. (raise the roof, wendell... ya know you wanna). some help he was.

the damn pole broke! jaws broke the rod... i couldn't believe it. but then i had seen it jump from the water.

i do have to admit - and only because i'm giving wendell hell - that i was screaming much like a girl. yeah. i was. haha. had to be there. it was a one-time-only event.

so... wendell is off the phone to help, yet sitting. the pole is broken. jaws is still on the loose.

but that bitch ain't goin' nowhere. i reach down and begin to pull in the fish by the line. screw a reel. (this is very reminiscent of the first time i caught a fish but it was much, much smaller and the pole didn't break... and my brother's were on the dock laughing at me.)

i get this damn fish to the edge of the boat... oh, wendell is helpin' now. he's coaching from his ass!

and, see... the first fish - i named him jeremiah - had tried to snap me when i was taking him from the hook. i'm no girl, i promise, but i'd been finned before and it ain't fun. so, i was cautious.

well, with this bohemoth mouth gaping out of the water, i still saw jaws although by now i realize it's just a bass. adrenaline allowed me to pick the fish up. oh. yeah. i was shaking. forgot about that.

the fish - and although i don't have them up now, i do have pics to prove it - was 21 inches long and weighed nine pounds. i wasn't that long, nor that heavy when i was born!

wendell. oh, you're asking what he's doing at this point? oh. he's practically having a damn baby being so excited! you gotta mount that one, mathew, he told me. mmmm. o.k. and where would i put it? right by? yeah. no.

meanwhile, i've awakened south georgia, or perhaps it was wendell, and hannah, his neice, is out on the porch assuredly believing something was wrong.

in a first... i took pictures, which i promise to post despite it being evidence against me in the country court of law proving - no, suggesting - i might just be a redneck.

throw the gay people and sports stereotype out the window

alright, alright, alright. so ya think all gay people have limp wrists and don't like sports. well, get over it 'cause it simply ain't true. (i cannot and will not speak for lesbians because, first, i am not one and, second, they'd beat my ass if i said something incorrect.)

nope, not at all. even with limp wrists, gay men love to throw a ball. have you ever seen joshua do that? it's hilarious. and even with helium in their feet, gay men love to play tennis, baseball, even football (but only flag - can't get the hair messed up.)

and i learned last night at philips arena that gay men even love hockey. hockey has interesting fans. they're akin to a certain clan of trailer park dwellers in south georgia so metrosexuals, homosexuals and just damn crazy folk stick out like sore thumbs.

but perhaps it's this forward - which i hate - that wendell sent to me that solidified why gay men love sports. decide for yourself.

why can't braves pitch?

no, the title is not the beginning to a joke. yet, it is an age-old question that can't seem to be answered. since the likes of tom glavine and greg maddux, we haven't had anyone worth tomahawkin' on the mound. sure, my favorite pitcher john smoltz is still with us but he can't do it alone.

we have jeff franceour, who hit two homers last night... take that bitches who claim he's slumping... and wilson betemit and edgar renteria. brian mccann. oh, and don't forget andruw and chipper. our bats can be powerful.

but what does a team do when it's pitchers lose the game before they can even get a chance to swing.

come on bobby... get some pitchers worth a damn!

(this rant sponsored by our loss last night against the phillies, the second in the series, and the one that puts us two games under .500 and four games behind the mets... which, conincidentally is where tom glavine is.)

atlanta thrasher and tylenol sinus

so now i know how yankees feel when they say y'all. i went to my first hockey game last night at philips arena as the the thrashers took on the washington capitals (i almost said nationals, but that, we know, is baseball.)

it was fun, i have to admit. a lot of fun.

i played the one-hundred-one question game in the beginning and quickly realized that hockey doesn't have a lot of rules and, oh, about two penalties. they just get out there, skate and try to knock the puck into the net.

oh! i did learn that the puck was plastic and it's frozen before games to keep it from bouncing on the ice.

atlanta won 5-3.

brad, matt, joe and i went and walked from brad's place at five points. i had felt like shit with my sinuses going crazy but they cleared, weirdly enough, right before the game.

oddly enough, after the game was over, they went crazy again. i got chills and my body ached. i could barely walk without moaning. it was crazy. so... i went to sleep only to wake up around five a.m. almost in tears. it was a mess.

i took a really hot bubble bath, which eased my muscles but did little else. i woke up drenched in sweat about nine and couldn't go back to sleep until eleven or so. it's been a rough night and i still sound like i'm talking into a barrell.

jennifer called. she and wendell are on their way to get me to go home for easter. should be interesting... more on that as it develops.

tom just told me he has two braves tickets. damnit. i won't be here! and, jason wanted to take me to lunch tomorrow. damnit. oh well, raincheck?

world, i have a job

so... i have a job! finally! i had my second interview today, which went as well as the first yesterday. i'm extremely impressed with the management and with the concept of the restaurant.

weirdly enough, it is in the space where haze was located, the nightclub i worked in before leaving atlanta for walb. they've totally gutted it and improved the warehouse-type building with a grand glass entrance and two patios. valet parking will be available across the street, which is at seventh and cypress behind the spire.

the cuisine is going to be eastern european. ecco will only be open for dinner, which is superb because it gives me the freedom to handle my business during the day and leaves plenty of time for classes come fall.

i was talking to christine earlier when we discussed how everything happens for a reason. the cruise line was the job i looked at last year and said that is what i want. ecco has been the only one thus far that has been the same. i believe the money will be sufficient for me and the hours couldn't be better.

entree prices will be in the $20 range so tips will be awesome, i'm certain. there is an extensive wine list with three exclusive to our restaurant. i'm excited!

the food sounds good, too... prosciutto, many cheeses, bruchetta, fried squash, grilled squid, lamb, wood fired pizzas, freshly made pasta, veal... all kind 'o good stuff.

i gotta start studying. there's a lot to remember.

i begin training april 29... the restaurant opens to the public on may 16. come see me!

opening day 2006

if you've ever dealt with or even known a model, you must know how damn crazy it is to manage twenty of 'em. that's what i've done for the past two days as an event manager for a promotion for the weather channel. whew... three 'fors' in one sentence.

anyway... one of the models told me she'd need to leave early because she was a braves girl and had to perform at the game tonight.

oh shit!, i thought. i forgot all about it being opening day. that was around nine a.m. in each moment my mind was sane, i ran through my head about going to the game. then i remembered that we didn't finish until 6:30. bah. i probably wouldn't be able to make. if so, it'd be late.

meanwhile, tim called and talked for a while. he'd posted on here earlier, which leslee had told me about, so we discussed that and the goings-on his life and mine. nice conversation.

so, when he called back less than an hour later, i thought... hmm. why is tim calling back?

'there are tickets for you at will call. find someone to go with you and get your butt down to the game!'

what?!

yep. they're there, he said. get down there. it's after six at this point (we ended up finishing early today so i was back at home).

i quickly called brad who had just got back from the gym and gave him no choice but to shower and get his ass to midtown to go to the game (he's taking me to the thrashers game on thursday - a first for me - so i figured it'd be fair to ask him.

ugh. traffic was a bitch. thirty minutes til first pitch and we were surrounded by idling motors instead of peanuts, cracker jacks and a baseball game.

we decided to park at his place and take the shuttle from marta. so did half of atlanta. we decided to walk instead. i'd already missed the first pitch when i reached will call for the tickets. brad asked where they were; i had no clue but told him tim always got great seats. i handed them to him while i removed items from my pocket to enter the stadium.

damn good seats!, he said. row three. it was right there right up under his finger where he pointed. season tickets, he asked? i don't know. but i'm glad i'm here.

it was for this guy that i made brad stop before we reached our seats. y'all remember him from last year... jeff francoeur. number seven. almost my hero.

we were around section one-twelve when i heard his name announced and walked briskly, almost ran out to see his first at-bat for his sophomore year.

it was a pop-fly to right but when i turned around to head to my seat, i got tears in my eyes. why, i don't know. i really don't. but i did.

i joked after taking this picture with brad that they hired extra security to keep my away from him. haha.

ya know... he's fine as hell. but it's his personality and his life story that i beg. it's amazing. each time i read about him or see him, i'm amazed. if i've ever wanted to be someone, it's jeff.

anway... the seats were incredible. the pic of jeff there is taken with no zoom lens at all. he's in the batters box less than twenty feet away from my seat. wow. i barely spoke the whole game. i was mesmerized. the warning track that i thought was dirt is actually pebbles. not only could i see the players very, very well but i could even make out the imprint of their batting gloves shoved in their back pockets.

i was wide-eyed again going into turner field. i noticed so much. there are many changes and it was neat to be able to notice them. i even noticed the bathroom signs were different. how cool is it that i've been so often that i notice something silly like that?

anyway... better than bathroom signs was the neighbors i had for the game. while they're certainly noteworthy, believe me when i say they were secondary to the field.

president and mrs. rosalynn. georgia senator saxby chambliss and representative john lewis.

oh. and some guy named cal ripken. you might know him, too.

all of them were sitting ten seats to my right. brad counted them while i watched the game. (i have pictures i took between innings but the blogger is being a bitch right now. i'll e-mail them or something or put them online somehow...)

oh shit... i forgot someone else. baton bob! hell yeah, he was there. totally in costume, one of his many. frilly skirt. cowboy boots. some kinda top and an indian head dress, which he changed to a more conservative sunday hat with feathers for the sake of those around him.

don't think he didn't get up and twirl that baton when the crazy dance song was played... unfortunately he didn't make it onto the jumbo-tron.

i had only one beer, too. that's a change. haha. just thought about that as i was thinking about all that went on.

tim... thanks. after the past week and even few months, i needed that.

i'm so effin glad baseball is back. it's my heartbeat, sometimes, i think.

by the way, the braves won!

exposing anonymous

ladies and gentlemen, please meet two of the three, not six, anonymous posters. they're a lovely couple - mike and javier - who reside right next door to tom.

seems the other is a lesbian i met the day these pictures were taken when wendell and i joined tom on a trip to this couples mountain home on lake arrowhead in north georgia. the lesbian, named candace, later joined the get-together.

through my encouragement, tom solicited his 'friends' for answers as to exactly who was posting on my journal. finally, these three culprits admitted their guilt.

it amazes me that in their posts they lied so many times about who they are. but then again, no. i'm not surprised. it's all they've done since i've known them. in fact, mike, on the left, is the one who told me he called tom a stalker about following me to hawaii. how interesting is it that he changed his mind once tom came home and began to post on my blog to protect tom. interesting friend.

just wanted y'all to know what the faces of cowards looked like.

putting all this bullshit to rest...

the headline read that anonymous came forward. in actuality, anonymous was not just one but six people. six sad, sad people. people who claim to be tom's friends but also ones who tom cannot even name. who are you people? tell us. that's when the headline will be correct.

by the way, i'm sitting in his living room with wendell discussing this post, sentence by sentence. i have not moved out, although i'm working on that. i have not terminated my friendship with tom, although i'm debating on exactly what to do.

victory. hmmm. i was never in a battle. but if you must put the crown on my head, it's only where it rightfully belongs. thanks.

i'm sorry to see such a faithful group of people... six. wow. that's gonna put my numbers down from 4,000 visits per month. i'm sorry to see y'all leave. especially since y'all have been around since late 2005.

perhaps instead of posting on my site, you should have been e-mailing me or talking to me face-to-face on the issues in which you believed you were such an expert. it's obvious tom wasn't as i'm about to detail the rebuttals both he and i, with a witness, have discussed and all agreed upon.

i'm not sure which posts you are talking about that were hurtful to tom. even he has no clue, which is becoming common. he's conveniently forgotten many conversations, happenings and even made up a few tall tales, in my opinion.

tom agreed that i never freeloaded off him. how could he, he agreed, when the things he has done for me have not been uncommon to what any other friend of mine would do and have been offered as gifts, not requests.

speaking of which, i have never, never, never asked tom to buy me a car nor pay for my education. when i first met tom, it was my desire to have a tahoe. this is something that was not a secret among any of my friends. it was tom who suggested he would buy me one. i assured him, as i have several times since, that i cannot be bought.

also, a desire of mine, which i am working on - alone - has been to return to school. again, it was tom's idea to offer to pay for my education. when he mentioned this to me in a bar in front of my boyfriend, i assuredly told him i was not interested in his offer. in fact, i was sickened by his vain offer in which i believe he was trying to boast.

obviously, he was wasted, in his own words, at a party with some of you so-called-friends of his when he began, with judy, he said, to feel 'woe is me' and spill his guts. he apparently talked about 'issues' he and i had. he's conveniently forgot what all he said but many are apparent since the 'gang of six' have mentioned them on here.

for tom's sake, not my own, nor wendell's, i will not mention the 'issues' we face here. one could be deemed criminal in many instances and the other perverse and sickening, which he could benefit from psychiatric treatment. at this point, that's all i'll say. i'm certain you have no clue of what i'm talking about because he certainly wouldn't want you to know 'that' side of him.

it's interesting to me... and my friends... that you always seem to think that you have my best interest in mind. however, not once have you cowards contacted me directly with your concerns. not once have you offered help. not once. if that's concern, i'd hate to see the opposite.

i never told tom i was keeping a 'stalker tom' file. i was. but i never told him that. ask him how he found out. it's interesting. i began to keep this, by the way, when he applied for a job immediately after i did to work on the cruise line at $6.25 an hour as a deck hand. you tell me why someone with his wealth and capital would do that.

oh... mike, you can tell us. remember when you came in to water the plants when i first arrived from hawaii? you remember the conversation you and i had in the kitchen when you called tom a stalker yourself and that you and javier accused him of such to his face. you remember, right?

if you don't remember that, perhaps you remember lake arrowhead and the interesting conversation you had with wendell. you remember telling him about tom's escorts and people sleeping in the hallway waiting on him to get home. you remember, right?

further, tom reads my website daily and on multiple occasions. he admitted to that tonight and i know that for a fact. in fact, i was onto your little gang of six long ago because, weirdly enough, tom was the one - most times - who alerted me to a new post. it was always interesting and it always seemed to happen after an issue arose amongst us.

wendell and i made no plots against anyone. wendell made a promise, which you guys told tom was a threat... same difference, really... that he'd protect me at all cost. wendell put that in writing but, let me assure you, that's a promise - or a threat if you will - that all my friends would sign in blood. period.

as far as the recorded conversation, tom's antics were much like yours. he was a coward. he recorded my cell phone conversation without my permission and from within his bedroom as i sat on the balcony. not admissable in court. probably not audible. and i don't give a damn. i told tom every word of the conversation before i ever made the call to wendell.

tom and i have not parted ways... as i mentioned, i am in his living room now. he's having a beer. i do plan to leave soon but unfortunately i have to work things out with where i am going. rest assured, i won't be here any longer than i must.

let's get one thing straight: tom has not supported me financially. if he is, he's doing a damn poor job as i've been completely broke and without money pretty much the past month. as we discussed this particular part of the post, tom said he was including food and rent and such. his opinion changed when i reminded him it was his offer, not my request to stay here. those things were gifts.

perhaps, gang of sick, i mean six, you should also come out to tom so that he can tell who his true friends are. it's funny to me you're looking out for him when, for the past two months, his phone hasn't rung, his doorbell has been silent, and his home without personal guests. in that same amount of time, my phone rings off the hook, guests are common and i'm always with the people i care about and love so much. that's how me and my friends interact. maybe y'all are just different.

i will continue to monitor my website as i always have. after all, i want to know who, when and where about my visitors. whether you come back to read or comment is really trivial to me. it always has been. but, i'm a leo and i love a challenge and you gave it to me. i've gotten to the bottom of it and i've learned that i have been wrong all along.

i've learned that i have neglected some friends while listenting to the lies of another. i've learned that i cannot demand all my friends get along. i'll still hope but i cannot demand it. it won't work.

i've also learned the same thing you observed... i have some damn good friends. damn good. and they do rally around me. without them right now, i'd not be complete. there are so many things array in my life but having them fills the voids like you wouldn't believe. it's also, anonymous, how i can brush off your being such idiots. it really is. we all think this has been funny and better than the best mystery novel ever written.

i guess, most of all, what we've learned, is what sad souls you are. what sad souls that take time from their work day to browse my site. buddy did.

what sad souls are such backstabbers. mike and javier are.

what sad souls send e-mails for a hook-up then talk trash behind my back. rod did.

what sad souls divorced bitter bitches are. judy is.

what sad souls lonely old men are. tom is.

you can learn a lot from a dummy.

need any architectural work?

you might just call or e-mail the friendly folks at hayes, seay, mattern and mattern.

that is where the anonymous poster obviously works since that is where the ip address is registered.

i've included a link here to their web site. perhaps you'll join me in sending their web master a friendly note about what their employees are doing while on the job! i'm sure they'll be ecstatic.

fuck with me if you want to.

congrats joshua!

many of you know joshua, my friend i featured on here a few weeks back. what you may not be aware of is exactly how amazing he is.

right before i left for hawaii, he and i were in key west. the week was amazing and we absolutely lived it up. the only other time he and i had more fun was in new orleans.

the week didn't end as well as it began... we were evacuated due to hurricane rita and a little bit o' drama in the mix.

it was after that trip, though, that joshua decided to enroll in alcoholics anonymous. in atlanta, i supported him and even went to two of his meetings with him. i've supported him all along and been mesmerized at his persistence and his wanting to have a better life.

it's today, people, that my fabulous friend joshua celebrates his sixth month of sobriety!

joshua... you're amazing and i'm so very proud of you.

another little bit of info on mr. short... he's planning on going back to school and become an addiction counselor to help others. praise god and god bless.

does she remind you of buckwheat?

i don't understand her at all.

apparently, this new hairstyle is the cause of it all. why not just go back to the braids and cornrows?

now i know to some people who initially read this, i will sound racist. i am not. i am simply countering mckinney's ignorant rhetoric.

a few days ago, a capitol hill police officer attempted to stop congresswoman mckinney, reportedly three times, when she attempted to bypass a metal detector in a hurry for a meeting. (congressional representatives are given a lapel pin to wear for quick identification but mckinney is notorious for not wearing hers.)

it's also been reported that when mckinney did not stop after three attempts by the officer, she was grabbed or touched in some way by the lawman. ya think? yeah.

but this is where the spin comes in. leave it to her.

she was stopped because she was a 'female, black congresswoman.' (mrs. mckinney... female and congresswoman are redundant, just to let you know.)

what the hell?

this isn't the first time she's pull this racist bullshit, either. at some point a long, long time ago - apparently in the sixties - she was with a white aide when someone in washington spoke to the aide assuming they were the official, not mrs. mckinney.

perhaps that is the attitude of some people. while georgia, especially mckinney's suburban atlanta's district, is largely black, congress remains largely white. it's a stereotype. it's unfair. it's unfortunate. but it doesn't mean that the world is against her.

instead of attitude, it could also be perception. does mrs. mckinney hold herself in a profressional manner? does she dress the part or look like she is going to the grocery store?

and the hair... oh, sweetie. certainly there's some queen in your corner that can help you. me and my friends have a saying for people who look unkept like you... your friends obviously didn't see you before you left the house. 'cause they surely would have told you to go back in and do something with that dime-store afro puff.

seriously, again... back to striking a police officer. suppose it was you or i who did this. we'd already be so far under the jail that it wouldn't matter.

i understand politics. i understand traffic. hell, i certainly understand waking up late. all of those things could have been precursors to her being late for her meeting and wanting to scoot right on by...

but, alas, there are rules to be followed and she broke them. those in congress are allowed to bypass security but are given a pin so officials will know it's not some random lunatic trying to breach a secure area. wear it and avoid the problem altogether!

further, she had the audacity to say that this officer should have recognized her! how arrogant! mckinney is famous - for all the wrong reasons - but i doubt the capitol hill police department knows her face (i'm sure they do now). out of all the hundreds of congressmen and congresswomen, this officer - at a governement building somewhere away from the capitol - should have recognized her. this isn't the matrix, sweetheart.

i strongly hope that a warrant is issued for her arrest and that she faces the same fines and punishment that any one of her constituents would face. it's only fair.

of course, she's called a press conference about this. ironically, though, she didn't mention it herself and she practically ran from the press and had her 'security' keep them off her while she hopped into an s.u.v. and driver pealed away. instead, she had friends and no-names tell how good she is. there was a man who gave a jesse-jackson-like speech where every other word rhymed. it was pathetic. little children, too young to vote, held signs in her support. tacky.

i tell you... she's an embarassment to me. she always throws the race cards, like most ignorant people. she has just been found to have wasted taxpayer money on a celebrity endorsement, paying for airfare and lodging. her voting record stinks.

did ya get a chance to see her on cnn yesterday? my, my, my.

if you see mckinney on your ballot, cross her name out and check the other box. any box. get her out of washington and back in the ghetto where she belongs.

starlight cabaret auditions...

if you're not busy tomorrow night, the place to be will be jungle. live auditions will be held for the coveted position every drag queen in the southeast wants more than titles... a spot on the coca-cola stage for the grand finale of atlanta pride!

entry is free and registration is free for queens/kings and acts. see more at www.goddessraven.com

braves win!

the braves began the season today in rainy l.a. where they beat the dodgers 11-10.

they'll be in atlanta a week from today for opening day. i can't wait.

letter from an awesome, intelligent mother

if you have time, read through this letter a mother wrote to her local newspaper concerning her gay son. feel free to spread the word that it's here. more people need to realize what this woman has so aptly pointed out.

Many letters have been sent to the Valley News concerning the homosexual menace in Vermont. I am the mother of a gay son and I've taken enough from you good people.

I'm tired of your foolish rhetoric about the "homosexual agenda" and your allegations that accepting homosexuality is the same thing as advocating sex with children. You are cruel and ignorant. You have been robbing me of the joys of motherhood ever since my children were tiny.

My firstborn son started suffering at the hands of the moral little thugs from your moral, upright families from the time he was in the first grade. He was physically and verbally abused from first grade straight through high school because he was
perceived to be gay. He never professed to be gay or had any association with
anything gay, but he had the misfortune not to walk or have gestures like the
other boys.

He was called "fag" incessantly, starting when he was 6. In high school, while your children were doing what kids that age should be doing, mine labored over a suicide note, drafting and redrafting it to be sure his family knew how much he loved them. My sobbing 17-year-old tore the heart out of me as he choked out that he just couldn't bear to continue living any longer, that he didn't want to be gay and that he couldn't face a life without dignity.

You have the audacity to talk about protecting families and children from the homosexual menace, while you yourselves tear apart families and drive children to despair. I don't know why my son is gay, but I do know that God didn't put him, and millions like him, on this Earth to give you someone to abuse. God gave you
brains so that you could think, and it's about time you started doing that.

At the core of all your misguided beliefs is the belief that this could never happen to you, that there is some kind of subculture out there that people have chosen to join. The fact is that if it can happen to my family, it can happen to yours, and you won't get to choose. Whether it is genetic or whether something occurs during a critical time of fetal development, I don't know. I can only tell you with an absolute certainty that it is inborn.

If you want to tout your own morality, you'd best come up with something more substantive than your heterosexuality. You did nothing to earn it; it was given to you. If you disagree, I would be interested in hearing your story, because my own
heterosexuality was a blessing I received with no effort whatsoever on my part.
It is so woven into the very soul of me that nothing could ever change it.

For those of you who reduce sexual orientation to a simple choice, a character
issue, a bad habit or something that can be changed by a 10-step program, I'm
puzzled. Are you saying that your own sexual orientation is nothing more than
something you have chosen, that you could change it at will?

If that's not the case, then why would you suggest that someone else can?A popular theme in your letters is that Vermont has been infiltrated by outsiders. Both sides of my family have lived in Vermont for generations. I am heart and soul a Vermonter, so I'll thank you to stop saying that you are speaking for "true Vermonters."

You invoke the memory of the brave people who have fought on the battlefield for
this great country, saying that they didn't give their lives so that the "homosexual agenda" could tear down the principles they died defending. My 83-year-old father fought in some of the most horrific battles of World War II, was wounded and awarded the Purple Heart.He shakes his head in sadness at the life his grandson has had to live. He says he fought alongside homosexuals in those battles, that they did their part and bothered no one.

One of his best friends in the service was gay, and he never knew it until the end, and when he did find out, it mattered not at all. That wasn't the measure of the man.

You religious folk just can't bear the thought that as my son emerges from the hell
that was his childhood he might like to find a lifelong companion and have a
measure of happiness. It offends your sensibilities that he should request the
right to visit that companion in the hospital, to make medical decisions for him
or to benefit from tax laws governing inheritance. How dare he? you say. These
outrageous requests would threaten the very existence of your family, would
undermine the sanctity of marriage.

You use religion to abdicate your responsibility to be thinking human beings. There are vast numbers of religious people who find your attitudes repugnant. God is not for the privileged majority, and God knows my son has committed no sin.

The deep-thinking author of a letter to the April 12 Valley News who lectures about homosexual sin and tellsus about "those of us who have been blessed with the benefits of a religious upbringing" asks: "What ever happened to the idea of striving . . . to be better human beings than we are?"

Indeed, sir, what ever happened to that?

back from savannah

what an awesome weekend! i went to savannah to see raven perform at club one, somewhere i realized i had not been in more than a year. little has changed but they did change the entrance. weird.

anyway, i rode along with meredith, monte's cousin and her girlfriend samantha. we had to go way out to conyer's to pick up erin and her chick before getting on the road, finally, at about eight o'clock.

i forgot how long the ride was. ugh.

we made it in time for the midnight show. it was then that raven told me her webgod had left two very important parts of costumes in atlanta. he was already on i-16 headed back to atlanta to get them for saturday's show. karma.

anway, we had an awesome time hanging out. met jeremiah and hung out with him as well.

oh! i took everyone back to ice cream etcetera where i got the most fabulous sandwich last year. i had forgotten what it was called but it's the dizzle sizzle or something like that. ham, turkey, cucumber, tomatoes, sprouts... all kinda stuff. mmmmm. had another one as did most of us. have one yourself if you go. it's on jefferson street one block off bay street.

it was then that we walked down to river street where we enjoyed the day (see prior post about april fool's day).

after a shower and ironing my clothes, it was back to club one. this time i got drunk. bianca bought me two shots. had many beers. danced quite a bit.

lesbians are fun. i love 'em.

oh, speaking of which... i have a new lesbian wife. her name is erin. she bought me the coolest iron, welded ghecko ever. we've yet to consumate the relationship.

before leaving today, we went to tybee to the beach. it was packed. and the eye candy was out like elton john. wow. beautiful people everywhere. fun, fun, fun.

we got on the road home around four but not before being stopped for 87 in a 70. i wasn't driving. georgia state troopers are hot, by the way. at least officer strickland was. i offered meredith to offer him me in lieu of the ticket but she said no.

damnit.