have to share this...

i just read this quote:

"no man is the whole of himself. his friends are the rest of him."

this couldn't be more true. you know who you are.

happy new year.

one t

this is going to be random...

and brought to you by the letter w, as in washing machine. as in every fucking one on this ship seems to be in disrepair. i've bought new underwear and socks because it's so hard to find a machine that works.

o.k., maybe i bought the underwear because i have a fetish. sue me.

nonetheless, i have three loads of laundry to wash and it took me almost an hour to find a laundrette that has more than one washer in good repair. each room has two or three washers as well as dryers... however, some of the doors are off or one may not have a spin cycle... it's crazy. all these hoodlums on the ship tear shit up like it's theirs and they're the only ones without.

guess what? they're not. and i'm mad!

anyway... i have to kill forty-five minutes while the load washes then i'll be back to pass time while they dry.

i guess i'm going back to work tomorrow. my boss saw me tonight and told me to come back when i felt like it. oh really? well, let's say next week sometime. i get paid eight hours regardless...

actually, i'll probably still have to be awake when i have to go up to ocean drive. friday is one of my favorite days because we're out at sea all day, thus being busy.

oh! i found out earlier that i have the most bar mentions again for last weeks cruise, which means another free shore excursion! go me. i have to decide what i'm going to do. it'll certainly be something fun. maybe snorkeling. four wheeling. something fun.

and i found out i'll be in mardi gras, which is the actual night club on the ship and probably the best place to make money. let's hope so. i can use it, especially with the dental bill i'm sure will come all-too-quickly.

hmmm... wendell called earlier and said he and yonnathan went to burkhart's tonight. made me wish i was there. if you thought i was a bar fly before, wait until i get home. there is no place in hawaii that i've found compares to anything in atlanta.

in fact, most of the bars here (at least the ones close to port) seem more like waycross or sale city: full of white trash. bar fights. big trucks missing only the rebel flag. fat, ugly women wearing clothes way-too-tight and men who love 'em. ugh.

on to better things, though. with my being in mardi gras, i won't be working until around eight at night so you know what that means -- i'll be hitting the beach every day! i'll be tan and a surfing pro before you know it.

you know that i've been gone since halloween? more than two months. just under four to go. weird.

anderson cooper is hosting new years on cnn again. i can't believe how big he's gotten. good for him, though. i need to find his card and e-mail/call him.

i told you this would be random. you're the fool who is still reading.

on that note, haha. aloha.

tom graduated...

i got a message from tom, actually two. he graduated tonight but did not have his mmd card so he is stuck in piney point for at least another week. also got a text message.

then i got a picture message from two fuckers in atlanta eating breakfast with a fat-ass santa in the backgoround. i don't know who they were but i'm certain they had been out drinking before the picture was taken. if you see either of them, tell them to fuck-off. i've been in bed all day. the past two days. no one is allowed to have fun when i'm not.

feelin' better... lookin' like shit.

why is it that when you feel bad, you don't care what you look like? or is it just me?

i'm wearing a tee shirt, gym pants and a beanie. i haven't shaven in three days. i barely brushed my teeth (they hurt).

oh well.

if you sent me an e-mail recently, resend it. recent meaning in the past three days. there was a glitch with my web site, which has been repaired. i need to get a laptop so i can reload it and update it...

going back to the doctor. i have a dentist appointment next week.

later.

my tooth hurts and i can't sleep!

my tooth does hurt but it's probably because i've been asleep all day that i can't sleep. i woke up this morning around four a.m. to a terribly swolen face and a pain that was immeasurable. i tossed and turned until i finally drifted off, i assume, around eight only to be awakened by justin at nine-fifteen for our bar meeting.

ugh.

i sat through that, which was extremely boring. the only bit that was necessary was the warning of working the whole day of new years eve. and that i won a shore excursion. that was it. i could have slept longer.

the assistant bar manager lead me to the doctor... i was in the process of filling out an emergency leave to come home. but, since the company pays for dentists here, they don't consider this an emergency (per se) and will pay for me to go to a dentist in maui. meanwhile, i'm on painkillers, which could be more powerful, and antibiotics until then. i didn't work today and hope not to tomorrow. i feel like shit.

in other news... i've been taking vitamins again as well as drinking protein shakes. i've lost some weight from all this walking and climbing stairs. of course, i can't afford that. brian and i are going to start going to the gym together, too. maybe i'll make it close to my target weight before i get home.

i thought about new years resolutions, too. with this 'health kick,' i thought it'd be a good time to quit smoking. who knows, though? i've said it before. we'll see.

tom should graduate today. i have no clue since i haven't heard from him. i did answer a call the other day when i was out on shore shopping. i didn't have much time to talk, though. everything is going well for him except he said he is still spilling drinks. he told me he'd text me when he found out what ship he was going to...

hmmm... nothing really exciting going on right now. the weather has actually been kinda yucky lately, meaning only about seventy degrees and cloudy. if i feel better tomorrow, i'm going to lay out. i don't have to work until five. or is it five thirty? nevertheless... oh, and i have to go by a restaurant that charged my credit card twice.

i'm still not sleepy.

merry christmas, y'all

the last time i cried while typing was in 2002. something bad happened to me and i just couldn't take it. thankfully, i had two friends - grant and james - who were there for me.

this time, it's different. the tears are not of embarassment. they're not of shame. they're of missing the hell out of my friends. the tears are realizing just how important my 'family' is to me.

it's christmas and it's not even cold. it doesn't seem real. one person i work with said she felt like a fool, like someone running around in july screaming merry christmas.

however, the web of friends i've made is a cocoon for me. they've wrapped me in their arms and thoughts and well-wishes. the connection here is unreal. the comradarie is amazing.

it doesn't keep me from thinking about things back home, though. it doesn't make me miss going to my nannies, who i lost a year ago. grannie croft and mr. adwon and their cute late-in-age marriage and romance. gifts. cool weather.

it doesn't make me realize that i can't send everyone a gift. but it doesn't keep me from sending a prayer.

this journey has been amazing and i'm sure it'll only get better as time passes and april sneaks up on us. but tonight is going to be different.

i'll go to bed alone... only my 'family' on the ship. i'll wake up without santa but have every card and gift i've received in my mind.

it is my hope that each and every one of you wake up with the one you love. it is my charge that i tell you to share your love with each and every person around you. i dare you to tell them how much you love them. double-dare you to show it.

it is my hope that my family, with whatever thoughts and activities they have, is happy. it is my hope that they're content.

i hope that my nannie is still looking down upon me and approving of my (almost) every move.

it is my hope that for that one person who deserted his family will come home. that he realizes what a mistake he has made.

it is my hope that we can be together. at least tolerable.

it is my hope that each of you know how much i love, adore and care for you.

merry christmas, y'all.

aloha.
one t

it's christmastime in the city...

yet it's 80 degrees. bah humbug. maybe it'll be windy so it'll at least be cool tonight. i hate cold weather but a bit would be nice to remind me of christmas.

so, i got some gifts today. thanks wendell and yonnathan. i'm sure more are on there way... ; )

i went to the mall today to do some last minute christmas shopping. actually, it was christmas shopping at the last minute. i managed to buy one thing before i was sucked into a vortex and spent $100 on myself. i hate when that happens.

so, if you don't have anything yet, i either have it or haven't bought it. haha.

i miss all of you... wish you were here... or i was there (but just for christmas... it's too cold there right now.).

may God bless each and every one of you and may you get all you wished for.

i love you.
one t

i have to mail christmas gifts...

if i don't have your address, you have to wait til april. that's it.

ha. actually, for those of you who i've bought for, i have your address. but, i still need some. get 'em to me.

i'm up early - 9:30 this morning for a bar meeting. i don't go to work until 1:30. thought about getting off the ship but we have to tender in at this port so it'd be kinda pointless. i'll wait until tomorrow. i don't have to work until 9:30.

apparently james is, in fact, alive. at least some person with a voice like his called me and left a message.

tom called, too. from the roof in piney point. he was freezing, he said. obviously the roof is the only place where he gets reception. he's bartending. volunteered to teach how to open a bottle of wine/champagne. he has a week and a half left.

i'm bored.

does santa come to ships?

we had country night last night in the crew bar. reminded me of hoe down's. made me miss it. and the hot people there, too. speaking of which, i heard that a certain someone has lost a bit of weight and someone was kissing my cowboy. i hear things. even here. oh well.

you know what i miss? the amorettes. i'd love to see mary and her dildo right now. haha. random, i know. but she's so freakin' hilarious.

merry christmas. yeah, it's 80 degrees outside but so what?

i have a plan up my sleeve. i'm evil.

i was propositioned by a guest last night. was quite funny.

i'm looking for some glasses again. i wore a pair a friend had. i liked them as did everyone else. a straight guy -- a very good-looking straight guy -- told me when i walked in the bar that if he were gay, he'd &@*! me. i told him, no. if he were gay, i'd &@*! him. ha. haha. hahahaha.

whoa. i have so many random thoughts. i'm crazy. no, i'm bored.

i wonder what i'm gonna do when i get home. i have no vehicle. maybe get a rent-a-car for the month. if i decide to come back, which is likely. where am i going to visit?

hmmm... which way did he go, george? which way did he go?

do you know that i am wasting ten cents a minute typing this random shit?

it's fun, though.

yeah.

wonder what's on t.v.?

are you really still reading this?

you have no life. get off the computer! ha. haha. hahahahah.

apparently, i'm dead.

we have drills each week... and with each, there is a scenario of an emergency. this week it was a fire and it was outside my cabin. the halls were filled with smoke from a fog machine.

i learned that when i was going to my emergency station after the alarms were sounded. apparently, though, i died because i should have gone back into my cabin and called 911. the fact that i picked up and carried a girl up a flight of stairs who, according to her scenario card, had passed out due to smoke inhalation didn't count.

oh well.

the coast guard will be onboard tomorrow and tuesday doing these same things. just like the faa being aboard planes. should be fun. with the pasenger drill yesterday, this today and one monday and tuesday, we should know what is going on. we'll see.

i just hate that all this is happening on my time off. i could be laying out or something.

hmmm... i think i'm about to eat. i have no clue what they have out there today. i need to eat ten times a day because four is apparently not enough. i've lost five pounds. actually, it's only two since i had intitially gained seven... ugh. i hate fat people.

i'm off almost all day tomorrow, so i think i'm going surfing. i have to put the last touches on the newsletter before it's complete. i'm going to attempt to scan/upload it so that all can see it. i'm rather proud of it. it's turning out very nice...

i'm starving. this'll have to wait.

my christmas wish list

alright, alright, already! here's what i want for christmas!

i'm a procrastinator, i know. but try getting ready for christmas in ninety degree weather. it's not conducive, folks.

since i'm on the ship and live in close quarters, there's not a lot i need or can have. so, i've compiled the following list of toiletries and things i like to eat or can use.

of course, there is no obligation. however, if you don't get me something, you better hide when i get back to the mainland... ; )

• Gillette M3 Power Blade Refills
• Garnier Fructise Shampoo/Conditioner (Where's my Garnier Fructise, Leslee?)
• Gillette Deodorant Gel
• Crest Whitening Toothpaste
• Magnets/Magnetic Hooks (My walls are steel and I can't use tape.)
• Batteries (AA, AAA) (They're for my flashlight and toothbrush...)
• Socks (White footies, black dress socks)
• White undershirts (Small)
• Polos
• Tees
• Food! (Christine got me hooked on Double-Stuffed Oreos... Also, Pringles, Doritos, Milky Ways, Snickers, Three Musketeers, Cheese Crackers, Cheese in a can, Ritz, -- I'm making myself hungry! Just send snack food or someone dies!
• Or... if you really want to spoil me... www.hollisterco.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/GiftCardDisplay?storeId=10251&catalogId=10201&langId=-1

other than those things, i can't think of anything else. you can send whatever you want provided it'll fit in my cabin. it's not too small but keep in mind i have two roommates.

in case you don't have it, my address is:

mathew r. palmer :: bar deparment :: pride of america :: c/o ncl america 700 bishop street :: suite 900 :: honolulu, hawaii :: 96813

i do not receive mail until saturday so if you send something slightly perishable, (like homemade banana nut bread or sausage balls) guarantee it's delivery for friday.

thanks, again, to all of you. this has taken a leap of faith and confidence to be here but it's your support and friendship that make it possible. mushy, but i mean it.

i love when it's saturday!

that's the mail call here, which means gifts, cards and letters... so, to thank (informally), those of you who thought of me, thanks jennifer, amy and tom.

the card was sweet jenn. it is different out here and you would love my job!

amy... thanks for all the magnets. although i moved rooms, the smoking magnet will come in handy. cute. the others were, too, and the strip is awesome. i've already hung it and put pictures on it.

and, a very clever gift from tom, which will constantly remind me of home: a calendar with pics of my friends. joshua is mr. january, which is fitting. it'll be this month the he hits the three month mark of something no less than spectacular!

wendell, jamie, yonnathan, kelley, tim, christine, richard and even mary edith pitts grace the other months. certainly something i'll enjoy!

speaking of friends, whatever happened to that person james who i called a friend? is he still alive?

on to other things... i'm beginning my fifth cruise today! hard to believe. only fifteen to go. this past cruise was especially fun because i made 'friends' with many of the passengers. there was one extraordinarily friendly group of passengers... beth, treva, dancer, prancer and vibrator. ha. ask me about them... to give you a hint, 'dancer' was pole dancing at the pool the first night last week! and anyone who asks you to call them vibrator, well... yeah. she called me t-one.

i'm having a blast. moving inside to hollywood theatre for the next two weeks. i've also been selected to do beverage service in the liberty restaurant, one of two of the main dining rooms. basically, i'll be servicing the tables with alcohol as they dine as to relieve the over-worked and under-staffed servers. should be interesting.

the best thing, i'm assuming, is that i'll be able to watch all the on-board entertainment. should be fun.

also... it means i should be able to call you guys more because i'll be working at night when you're in the bed and be 0ff -- and laying in the sun or surfing -- while you're at work. sucks for you!

anyway, point is, i'll call more often.

feeling philosophical...

you guys have to meet justin, my best friend here on the ship... he's the one that i went through training with. we were roommates in maryland and he was able to move into my room on the ship.

we were talking today about our 'stories;' how we got onto the ship. while they're much different, they're so much the same. it's almost like we're all misfits in one way or another.

i don't mean that in a bad way (of course) but it's true. there seems to be something lacking in each of our lives or something we want to change. so much more than a job this is to us. it's an opportunity to some, therapy to others.

passengers are amazed by us... the whole crew. this week probably has been the best week as far as guest satisfaction. they're happy and they show it. they also point out that they see we're happy and that we get along. of course, they see the few who aren't and point out that, too.

i'm doing really well on the ship. being appointed editor of the newsletter has been awesome. it's a sense of responsibility and accomplishment all at once. so many people know me and talk to me about things. co-workers come to me for advice, just like my friends.

i'm happy with all this. the food and beverage director, onboard less than a week, came up to me today and told me n.c.l. needed more people like me onboard. how cool?

it's nice to be noticed. it's nice to have a job were you want to go to work. it's nice to have the group of friends around me that make me laugh, smile and -- sometimes -- forget about all that's going on back home.

i'm not running and this won't be forever. if things continue as they're progressing currently, i will return.

however, this experience is helping me learn so much. my self-esteem, which wasn't too bad, has been boosted. my confidence in myself and my abilities are better. my friends back home have yet to disappoint me because each one of them has been in contact. (there are some exceptions, thus i know they were not friends...)

i hate that i'm here when i want to call people. i need to call so many people yet when i work, i can't and when i'm off, you guys are asleep. i'll get around to it, i sware.

the situation with tom is still progressing. he's in piney point and told me via a voice message earlier this week that the bar there is the 'cruisiest place' he's ever been. he's 'being hit on left and right.'

all the people are fantastic, he says. and, jennifer, he said he plans to teach a class on stalking. i don't know if it's a how-to or how-to-identify. it's supposed to start next week; he said he did the orientation this week. i'm not certain if he was joking.

on that note, i guess if tom is coming, you all should apply. why not move the whole state here? that'll accomplish everything i wanted by coming five time zones away!

the newsletter is almost complete. i have several submissions that i put in today. the photog department gave me the art for the masthead last night, which looks awesome. it's neat to think i'm starting something new for this ship that, if successful, will carry on to every ship in the fleet, including international.

we're called team america here on the ship. once i get the first copy of the americana, i plan to send it to post properties to show them what a team player i am. single-handedly organized, named, layed-out and manage a newsletter for a whole crew. they lost what could have been an asset.

i dreamed last night that i got into a fight with gertrude. it seemed so real. of course, it was more of a nightmare. is she even still alive?

it started out with my being at my mom's house (unlikely...). we were about to eat dinner but my mom had not finished cooking. it's always been a pet peeve of my mom's to eat before she's finished cooking but somehow i was always excused from that rule (she used to be nice).

anyway, i think gertrude said something to me about eating when i went off on her that she had a house and food and money and that if she had a problem, she could go there with no worries of me intruding on her cooking.

she got mad and slapped me. ha.

ordinarily, i do not hit women. however, she's a bitch so it doesn't count.

i slapped her so hard her glasses flew from her face and into the very pot i had eaten from. my mom laughed and so did dave, who was there for some reason.

time flew as gertrude called charles to tell him that i had slapped her. he ran in believing he was going to punch me when i through the pot of potatoes in his face and kicked him in his nuts.

weird, huh?

alright... i'm wasting time. i'm supposed to be at 'the safety meeting' in the crew bar with the rest of the omicron-delta-beta staff (our co-ed fraternity... kids.). ha.

i'm having fun. y'all take care.

aloha.

believe me, i am doing awesome!

some of you have expressed concern over my last post. as i have already via e-mail, let me assure you: i am doing great. it's no less shocking but my family's actions i've come to expect.

a very pleasant surprise today... thanks, christine! she sent me a very hefty care package complete with homemade chocolate chip cookies, doritos, candy... even some cute boxer shorts. loved the shirt, too. i'll protect 'em. haha.

i ventured out today in honolulu. went to the mall where i hit hollister, american eagle and abercrombie. only did less than two-hundred dollars in damage. being the thrifty shopper i am, i got several nice shirts, a belt, a wool shirt and some jeans. i saw more but didn't spend the money.

speaking of clothes, i'm working on my christmas wish list. maybe i'll post it in a day or two. to be honest, it'll be mainly practical things... toilitries and such. maybe gift cards to hollister. definitely gift cards to hollister. have to go back for those jeans.

i need to go work on the newsletter.

aloha.

newsletter is coming along well...

i am so excited about the newsletter i've been asked to spearhead. several of my teammates (yeah, post, i'm a team player) have been more than excited about helping and are contributing some great things, including an advice column, art, articles, jokes, poetry... it's gonna be fun.

i did much of the formatting tonight. took me about three hours to get half of it done. i'm working through microsoft publisher, which i'm not familiar with but is an awesome program. i'll have to mail copies to you if you want to see my creation.

work is still going well although i'm ready to change bars. as nice as it is being poolside, i'm ready for something different. after this cruise, i'll be in another bar so no worries...

can you believe this will be my fourth cruise and the end to my first month onboard? hard, huh? it is for me. that means only four more months to go.

on one hand, i'm excited that it's going fast (means i'll be home sooner) while at the same time, time is flying by (which means i better start taking better advantage of the sights, etc.).

i'm gonna go... i don't have to be at work until two so i'm gonna go to bed. that way i'll be well rested in the morning in honolulu so i can go to the mall and buy some clothes.

aloha.

so, blood is thicker than water, huh?

no friend of mine would ever desert me nor do the things that my mother and her husdand have done. i'll leave it at that as far as what i am talking about but i will expand on how i feel.

it has been almost two years since i talked to my mother. i have heard her voice but it has only been voice messages on my phone, normally in a very evil tone warning me to pay my car note, etc.

as if she had a straw, she drew the last one today. i have no use for her whatsoever and consider her the worst failure as a mother that this earth has ever seen. anyone who can choose a man such as her husband over a child who begs for her love deserves nothing but heartache. i hate to admit this but i hope that's exactly what she is getting.

i've had it long enough. it's time it truly passes to her.

on a better note, the situation as it is now gives me great pleasure. pleasure as in i am so thankful that i have been through ever valley god has lead me. without them, i'd be another mathew in the world.

however, i have come to appreciate my friends as family. there's so many that'd do anything in the world for me that i cannot begin to name them as i would surely leave someone out. you all know who you are, though, and i am so thankful.

having said that, please understand when i say i love you and i consider you my family, it is no joke. those that are related to me by blood, my mother, namely, have long since given up on me. they have long since discounted my worth in their life and have continued on the twisted path they consider happiness.

it is on a long and winding road that i travel and it's you, my friends, who welcome me when the rain pours or hazards block the way. it is you and the memories and thoughts of seeing you brighten my day. i love and cherish each one of you.

christmas is coming soon... being in hawaii is not helping things as it is extremely difficult to be in the mood when the weather is so hot. nonetheless, in the spirit of christmas, i truly hope that love shines down and conquers all the bitterness around me.

it is my hope that people will realize that i am not a late car payment... i am a person and i have feelings.

god bless each and every one of you... even my sorry ass mother.

my response to tom's coming to hawaii...

i knew that things would come to this point. i just, like always, tried to be diplomatic about things. before i say anything, i've included the e-mail i sent to tom upon his telling me that he was going to be applying for work on this ship. it follows.

Date: Tue, 15 Nov 2005 12:39:37 -0800 (PST)
From: "Mathew Palmer"
Subject: RE:
To: "Tom Biederman"

tom... i've been thinking about this before i responded to you. i'm not sure what to think, still.

at what point did you decide you wanted to work on a cruise ship as well? and why ncla?

we've had this conversation before and i can't help but to think the same thing now: it seems you're a little too interested in doing and enjoying the same things i enjoy.

not to re-hash things but there was the issue of the suv and other things. now that i've made a decision to try this, you do, too.

i don't intend to be rude but it almost feels as if you're stealing this experience from me. i hope that you do not take that in the wrong way.

perhaps if you're looking for adventure, you might look there in atlanta first, then try something overwhelming. to be honest, besides the eye candy you mentioned, i do not think there will be much more to interest you on the ship.

for instance, work hours are going to be long, which will require you to be awake! also, training is not easy at all. those who are here and share your position wake at four a.m. and work throughout the day, only getting breaks for meals.

this would be a fun and interesting thing for anyone. however, it is my hope that you back off of this opportunity and allow me to enjoy it while finding your own adventure.

i'll talk to you by phone more... i have to run.

one t

as i wrote directly to him, i'm not certain when his thoughts occurred and a decision was made to apply for this job. it's a fact that he did not apply until after i arrived here. in fact, tom was not well aware of the duties of the position in which he applied.

i chose to come to this job for several reasons, none real major. however, one of the main issues is to be away from things -- atlanta, friends, stress, etc. -- so that i could attempt to have a more clear head about what i wanted in life. i want to be here to regroup.

i've tried to do that so many times in atlanta... in albany... in statesboro. it's just hard to do when you're surrounded by the very things you want to change.

there are many people i miss in atlanta... sale city... hell, all over the country. however, there's no one that i want on the ship with me right now. i can't stop tom but honestly do not want him on this ship. should he make it through training and into hawaii, it is my hope that he is on the aloha.

i've handled this as well as possible, trying to take into account his feelings and not be 'greedy'. after all, i cannot prohibit someone from applying for a job.

i can, however, question why one would apply for this, a very unigue job. especially when the pay is as low --- not bad, mind you --- when compared to tom's financial status.

as far as the cancer you mentioned, tom, that's the first i've heard. i am truly sorry if you are suffering. however, as i mentioned in my first e-mail to you more than a week ago, i encourage you to try something closer to atlanta, as i have several times before.

this is my experience and thus far it's the best of my life. things here couldn't be better.

perhaps you two should talk face-to-face to settle your differences if you so desire. i know that many times we pass and re-pass without saying things that we really mean. that's a good thing most times but then there always these times when things come to a head and cause hard feelings.

i hope tom chooses the right thing. if this is something he's always wanted to do or even just decided to do, i hope that he'll rethink his decision and at least give me the courtesy of remaining alone on this ship and going to the aloha. having been here and through training, i know that's not entirely possible...

the bottom line is there are plenty of ships in the sea.

i'm sore.

my left arm is killing me. i don't know what i did. maybe it's from the pool the other night, too. my eye is turning darker and has become the topic of every passenger-mathew conversation.

i'm almost getting bored... we've been in port the past two days so there are no passengers at the pool. well, there are, but not many. and those that are belong at shady pines. one more week, though, and i'll be changing bars... not sure which one, yet.

we'll be putting together the first newsletter this weekend. i've gotten a lot of people who are interested in helping, which is awesome. i went out on a whim to suggest eight pages instead of four. now i know that i can fill that space. even if not, i can throw together some crazy shit... something. maybe i'll get a pay raise?

i had an awesome conversation last night from someone back home. it's amazing how time plays a role in life. fate is amazing, too. i'm not jumping to conclusions or predicting anything. however, isn't it interesting when you meet someone who could be 'right' for you yet the timing is off only to meet/talk to them later? it's like a second chance, sort of. who knows?

did i mention tom is leaving for piney point on friday? yep. starts training then. i hear that it's snowing there and they're all snowed in. sorry. it's eighty-something here.

my bar manager let me know that i was mentioned by a guest in one of the comment cards last week for excellent service... go me.

hmmm... oh! what the hell is going on with a tornado in sylvester in december? freaky.

and what about the psychotic man that was killed in miami today? i need to call steve to make sure he wasn't involved or, if he was, make sure he's alright. i hope that he wasn't. that's a lot, imagine, to have on your conscience.

the really weird thing about being on the ship is that you are so deserted from the world and its happenings. we have cnn, tbs, espn and something else. that's it besides crew channels, which basically play the prior days events and safety videos as well as commercials for shore excursions, etc. not too exciting. besides, i'm hardly ever in my room to see it. i catch a glimpse in the crew mess from time-to-time.

i need - or want - a cigarette. this is all for now.

aloha

i have a black eye...

ha. it's not that bad but it's a shiner, nonetheless.

ya see, last night was 'crazy hat party' for the crew at the waikiki bar upstairs. it's a much better atmosphere than the crew bar, which is on deck four and is smokeless with a very short ceiling.

anyway, with my fruit basket atop my head, i made my way down route 66 to people loving my creativeness, up the stairs to deck twelve and outside to the bar. it was a hit. people loved it.

then the wind blew the damn fruit right out of the towel i had it poorly secured into.

so... back to crew mess for toothpicks then into the bathroom to fix my 'do'. it worked for about another hour until the d.j. pumped up the music and the rocking of my head coupled with the wind destroyed my fruitopia yet again.

there was a three drink maximum. however, since i work in the bar, i may not have stuck to that 'rule'. in fact, many of us who work in the bar may not have. i say that, assuming, because about twenty of us ended up in the pool.

yep. in the pool. i had sense enough to pull out my cigarettes and phone but jumped right in with my jeans and belt on. we did cannon balls, lap dances, booty-shakin', and then... someone (it may have been me) decided we should play chicken.

that's when it happened.

whatever girl was on my shoulder and ashley, the girl on brett's, tied up and were hanging in for the game. however, some idiot decides he'd pull us over. brett and i head-butted each other; his head into my eye and my head into his lip.

fun times. just one of the two parties they've thrown in the three weeks i've been here... college, anyone?

work is still going wonderful. have some fun people on this week from high point, north carolina. they're a riot. and several old ladies, i think i've mentioned them, are still following me around and flirting. ha.

i'm about to go lay out. i think it's in the high eighties here. sun is beautiful.

aloha.

now i know what christmas in july should feel like...

ever been to the watermelon festival? better yet, a fourth of july celebration. sure you have. now imagine christmas trees and jingles playing in the background. that's how i feel.

we have a talking santa in crew mess and christmas trees throughout the ship. carols play on the overhead while the sun beams down like arcs of fire. the breeze, barely cool, is the only thing reminscent of what i have known christmas to be.

so... to get called to the office today to pick up mail, which turned out to be two christmas cards, was an absolute shock. so weird.

kinda makes me sentimental and honestly has to be the first time i've missed 'home'. i've missed my friends since the day i left but realized today that this won't be just an overnight in new york like last year but a whole season and five time zones away.

i can do it. they're not replacements by any means but the friends i've made on here will surely keep me happy and make me feel at 'home'.

so... on to other things. we're about to sail away for hilo. tonight is the night that we view the volcano. it's so spectacular. i mentioned in a previous post our visit to the national park, which is on the opposite side of the island. or, kinda in the middle, i guess.

anyway, from the sea the view is just as magnificent. lava is creeping down the side of the gigantic volcano reminding you of a freshly put-out wildfire. then there's this one spot near the water where the lava flows from a tube as opposed to flowing from the top... as it pours into the ocean, steam and smoke rise making for a fabulous show.

because of all that, tonight is the night that i work late... i'll be off by eleven. ha. normally i'm off by eight. i am still at the ocean drive bar by the south beach pool up on the eleventh deck.

am i rubbing this in too much?

it's amazing how many people from georgia and the south are on board. my accent, which i was supposed to lose - and had while at walb - and my hair get me into more conversations and compliments than anything. oh, and my eyes sometimes. as if i needed a bigger head.

there are some passengers on this week for their fifty-fifth high school reunion. surprisingly, they're still mobile. sorry. anyway, they asked last night for popcorn... showed them. then coffee... showed them. then ice cream... remember, i work in the bar. showed them anyway. then they wanted food. so, i showed them to the diner. they asked me to stay and eat. then they asked if i could be requested to dance with them. funny old ladies. made me smile.

little things like thing coupled with the beauty of the island and so many other things are making this even more of an experience than i ever imagined. honestly, i thought it'd be like working in a bar on land with young people dancing and drinking their stomachs away. while that's onboard as well, it's so much more. each family on here is celebrating something whether a birthday, anniversary or just relaxing... and they're happy to be here.

it must be contagious.

my address...

for those of you keeping up with me via my journal, here's my address. it's easier to post it here because, first, i can't remember it all yet and it's easier to send you here. ; )

mathew r. palmer
bar deparment
pride of america
c/o ncl america
700 bishop street, suite 900
honolulu, hawaii 96813

keep in mind we only receive mail on saturday when we're in port in honolulu. it's alright to mail both packages and letters/cards to this address.

if i don't have your mailing address and you're reading this, please e-mail it to me at mathew@mathewwithonet.net.

going back to the bar by the pool... what a life!

aloha

what day is it, again?

ha. time stand still yets passes like a thief in the night. you greet guests on saturday and wonder why they're leaving so soon the following friday. it's quite amazing at the quazi-friendships you make on the ship with some people. i find myself looking for those that were on the first cruise...

speaking of which, tomorrow begins my third. i only have twenty. weird, huh? it is to me.

this damn boat is rocking side-to-side. not violently but as i type my body is like the v-8 guy. i swear. ha. it's funny. you should see us walking down route 66. how it is they decide who is drunk and those that are simply walking is beyond me.

i'm so pissed that i don't have a laptop to e-mail pictures. i've taken so many and been given others. i want everyone to see my 'office'. no matter where you are, mine is better. na-na, boo-boo!!!

conversations on the ship are so interesting. at times, it's like you're back in college. others high school. then sometimes it seems as if you're sitting at the family table. interesting.

i worked my ass off today... sold almost $500, which was the highest in our bar; eleven percent of total sales. go me.

normally we transfer bars every two weeks but i've been selected to remain in ocean drive by the pool to train the three 'newbies'. doing well, i am.

i may get off the ship in the morning to meet a friend-of-a-friend. not quite sure yet. the phone has bad reception out here where only whales mate. where is the 'can you hear me now' guy when one needs him? more about that only if you're privileged.

i moved rooms on saturday, which has made a tremendous difference. more, justin moved in last night. he's a super guy. one of the most intelligent i know. i believe you could ask him the history of sale city and he'd know... very intersting character. and quickly a great a friend.

seems tom has had some setbacks on getting the position with ncl but is fighting through it. when i talked to him it seemed he might give in but i don't think that is the case. apparently, working on a cruise ship is something he says he's always wanted to do...

thanks yonnathan for taking care of my fish!!! (this journal has taken the turn of more a newspaper for me than a journal, sometimes.) i hear - and trust - they're all still alive.

i read about newton, georgia the other day in the usa today. it's was quite weird. seems the husband of the woman who succeeded my aunt as mayor was killed by cops when he shot a gun into the air, then at them. typical baker county for you. that's all i'll say about that.

do you know how weird it is to hear jingle bells while watching people surf, sweating your balls off? (not necessarily together or in that order... haha.) yep. the christmas music started today. serving frozen drinks while it's above ninety and hearing about that fat ass in the red suit. what a life!

i hear that it's real cold in georgia, by the way. HA!

so, to all of you from just me... na-na, boo-boo!

aloha.

walking on broken glass...

not really but it sounded good.

actually, we - the bar department - were taken on a tour of the volcano national forest today. second to snorkeling, it's the most amazing experience ever. the magnificence of the mountain, the craters... the solidity of the rocks around the area. smell of sulfur. the ability to walk through a lava tube that years ago carried hot magma... wow.

hawaii is such a beautiful place. it's somewhere that never entered into my mind unless someone mentioned its name. here it is out in the middle of the pacific. you land on its ground and cease to be amazed.

for instance, a large majority of the plants here are not native. after all, the island, i've learned, are nothing but the peaks of mountains and volcanoes that extend above sea level. plant life was unheard of mostly until birds carried seeds in their digestive tracts or on their wings to the islands. air currents brought others before humans contributed even more.

the language, all their own and made up of just fourteen letters is amazing. it's difficult to learn but a beatiful language.

then their is aloha... most of us believe it's simply hello and goodbye yet it's so much more. it's a spirit, a passion of the people. it's helping your neighbor... a way to say i love you... hello and goodbye, of course... it's just aloha... being great.

the people are so happy here. those on vacation and the locals (i learned the hawaiian word today but can't spell it off the top of my head...) are all smiles. makes my job wonderful and my spirit happy.

speaking of being happy... perhaps some of you will be getting some nuts for christmas. after the park, we toured the macadamia nut factory. rather simple and small but very interesting. i was expecting more but it's just a little warehouse in the middle of nowhere with about twenty-five workers, including the one who greets you with samples as you step off the bus...

we're sailing, which means that we'll be on the other side of the island in a couple hours to see the lava flowing into the sea. passengers love it and so do i. wow.

in other news... i just had a meeting with the head of h.r. all my ideas for the newsletter were approved. i'm assuming the name i suggested -- the americana -- will title it. eight pages. news, poetry, pictures, contests, classifieds, letters to the editor, department highlights/updates, etc.... i love my job but should it become mundane, this will give me yet another outlet to have fun.

and on that note and following the message that we're now out of red zone, i'm going to smoke, call a few people and get ready to head to the bar.

things that make you go yuck!

so, yeah, i'm working at the pool and it's all fun an' stuff.

BUT... i haven't seen so many hairy, old, fat men since... well, maybe heritic on wednesdays.

and speedos... don't people know they're reserved for the likes of david phelps, greg louganis and others.

some of the women are just as bad. when you're sixty and carrying an oxygen bottle, cover up yourself already. wrinkles aren't in nor are they attractive.

that's my rant. i'm alright now.

what a day!

so, my first cruise is under my belt... (among other things. ha!) now is the beginning of the second. not counting it, there are eighteen more to go...

i sold almost a grand today. nine, ninety-nine and twenty-five cent. pretty big day. besides that, i had to participate in the passengers evacuation drill. perhaps it's the feeling that 'it can't happen to me' but it's funny how angry people get when they have to take part.

this is certainly no titanic but things could happen. wouldn't you think they'd want to be prepared? haven't they seen the chaos in that movie? just like the dumb-asses on the airplanes, i reckon.

more of my class arrived today. it was a pleasant surprise to see them. time doesn't matter here so i didn't even expect them. still nice.

we're on our way to maui. the itenerary changed this week so we flipped some days/destinations. no matter to me because i'm lost all the time. all the islands look the same to me.

when i get me next paycheck, i'm buying a digital camera. i'll try to post pics then. i can't on these computers. maybe when i get the laptop for the newsletter i can... thoughts... hmmm...

oh... i want to say thanks to the person who is still keeping up with my life and reporting it back to my family. or my family who have become fans. know that i'm not worried, still. if i were, i'd hide the things/thoughts i write here so freely. that's all i have to say about that other than you disgust me.

better things... i'm about to go to the bar.

just a thought...

someone sent me an e-mail that made me think. it was an article from the ajc about a woman who had cancer yet believed the lord had blessed her.

and he did. i just have never thought 'outside the box' like she did. her belief fits me as well although i do not have cancer.

she suffered. however, her blessing was being able to endure suffering. her blessing was inadvertantly giving others strength who saw her struggle.

i'm nowhere near the suffering i imagine a cancer patient endures. however, distanced family, financial hardships and just plain bad luck can make one feel really bad.

i'm not being conceited and hope no one perceives that. i know that there are those who look at my plight and say 'well done'. i know there are those who have told me they don't know how i make it at times.

maybe this woman is right. i am blessed. i suffer. but through that suffering, others are inspired and lifted up.

not bad, huh?

hau'oli la ho'omaika'i

happy thanksgivin', y'all. hope you're having a great day. i wish i had some turkey and dressin'. maybe they'll have it for lunch today...

i got some great news today... two things, actually. the first being i will be changing rooms on saturday. no more smoke filled cabin for me. two people are leaving the ship so it'll just be me and one other guy. not sure who that is yet.

the other news is that the company is beginning a crew newsletter and has asked me to 'spearhead' it. i agreed, of course! they're in the process of getting me a laptop with publisher on it and have given me my first assignment, which is to contrast new ship life to those returning... should be fun.

i don't know how to say this without revealing what i'm talking about but there's something heavy on my mind. i'm dealing with it alright but it's still crazy. sad. almost unbelievable. there's four people i have in my prayers and i'd appreciate it if everyone else would do the same.

i'm gonna run... not sure where. there's a beautiful mountain outside but i have no clue where i am. maybe i'll go see.

i passed on skinny-dippin'

i would have but there was too many people out. in cars. school buses. working on the side of the road. all at 2:30 a.m. so, michelle and i walked back to the ship, smoked a bit then went our seperate ways.

all this came after my first real day off the ship in maui. i got off the ship in hilo, too, but it was not as eventful. in fact, we walked to a restaurant only to turn around and eat in the crew mess. it wasn't worth paying for.

anyway, back to last night. brian, becca, justin and i went to the ale house across the street from port. brian wanted to do jager bombs but i threatened his life. instead, we had surfers on acid. beer. more beer.

michelle, shawn, d-an (real name), chris, steven and a whole other shitload of people showed up. there was a live band doing dmb, creed, 311 and the likes so it was fun.

i had a mushroom swiss burger, which was awesome. at $9.95 plus $1.95 for lettuce, tomato and pickles plus a $2.00 upcharge for fries, it should have been! oh well. it's the first meal i've paid for since i left baltimore last week.

tonight there's a toga party in the crew bar. we're somewhere between maui and whatever island is next. hell, i don't know.

oh! you know how the wave pools operate at white water in atlanta. so do ours when the ship initially sails! it's awesome. i thougt perhaps some of the loud-ass children in there would get out and go to their rooms or possibly drown but they didn't.

hmmm... not too much to say tonight. tom called and he is going to join ncla pending some minor issues with his health, etc. i called christine but couldn't talk long and a nurse walked in to change the i.v. she sounded well and was happy i called. i think they're going to do some procedure in the morning with super glue... at least that's how she described it. keep her in your thoughts and prayers.

back to work... we're supposed to follow someone for a week before we get 'let loose' on the floor to sale. however, we're getting them in the morning! we've all decided we're kicking ass and taking names. the glory is great but the money is the motive. gotta believe it.

the roommate situation isn't much better but is tolerable. all the male rooms are full so i can't change right now. in fact, some of the crew are staying in staterooms waiting for others to leave. that's what i'm doing, too... well waiting for people to leave. justin's roommate is leaving friday week so i'll change into his room then. he's my buddy so that'll be great.

i'm going to try to post pics if i can. if not, oh well. deal with it.

pool, people and pina coladas...

so this was my day... i woke up at seven. ate breakfast (free). watched the ship dock next to the mountain range in maui. walked up to deck 12 to ocean drive bar, which is poolside. clocked in. then talked to people. sold a few drinks. talked to more people.

walked around a bit. then it was 12:30, time to be off. went back to eat lunch (again, free). smoked while watching off the aft mooring deck. got off the ship and wandered around maui. went in a few shops. mapped out where i'm going after this... just strolled around.

then i came back to my cabin... small as it is, it's not bad. the magnets and such that i bought to keep my organized and best use the small space can only help, and do. the lei i bought yesterday (full of orchids but just eight bucks) is hanging from my shelf. the room smells of magnolias.

at four, it was time to be back poolside. such a hard task. more drinks, more conversation, more friends made. at five-thirty i was off to eat again (yep, it was free, too!).

i lazily went back to work at six, only to close the bar at six-thirty. cleaning took less than an hour and here i am.

i'm lovin' this. it's an amazing sight, a terribly easy job and one that allows you - almost mandates - to make friends. there was even some idiot on here today with a georgia tech hat. i would have asked where he was from but he probably couldn't tell me...

i've often thought about home and my friends and i truly miss both. but this is unlike any other experience i've had. there's no reason to be homesick. i'm five time zones away but i'm surrounded by beauty, comfort and, surprisingly, a close-knit group of people whom i'm certain will be awesome friends come time to leave.

there aren't many people from the east coast here, mainly texas, california and oregon, of all places.

i'm not sure if tom has made his final decision, but he has applied with ncla and should be leaving for piney point on friday. i haven't been able to call yet to learn his final decision. it's possible he'll be on the pride of america as well.

leslee... give my congrats to jenny on the baby girl. and send me pictures as soon as you get them. every time i get a new job, she has a baby. (that's dangerous!) tell her i can't rush away to see her this time. send me her address so i can send the baby something.

oh shit! macadamia nuts... i need to look for those. oops.

oh... if anyone wants to send me anything for christmas, i'm going to make a wishlist. normally, i think that is tacky. however, since i work and live on a ship, i think it's a better idea to let you know what i might need and, most importantly, have room for...

here's a few: anything magnetic, such as a cork board to post pics, etc. pictures... i didn't bring any. the magnets that have clips on them to hold paper, pics, etc. hmmm... i had a whole list before i started typing. oh! white footie socks. black footie socks. cute underwear. haha. keep in mind that i've gained a little weight... seven pounds. you weren't ready for that, were ya?

i gotta go. i'm getting silly and laughing out loud and people are staring.

aloha.

aloha kakahaika...

that's hawaiian for good morning! and it is. i'm looking out the window right now at the huge island with trees and mountains and palms and birds... only the clattering of dishes in the mess hall next door interrupt what must be heaven.

just a brief update here... i am going to eat then i have safety class at eight. oh, yeah. keep in mind that i am five hours behind eastern standard time, especially if you call. my cabin is on deck one, all the way forward so after i go to sleep, i have no reception. from the second deck and up, i normally have great service.

roommates. i hate 'em. gotta switch. i turned into martha last night and spent two hours cleaning our room. keep in mind that it's smaller than even my bedroom in atlanta! i was like cinderella on my hands and knees scrubbing the bathroom floor and shower stall.

empty bottles were all around. i ended up with three bags of trash!

i even vaccummed. dusted. made my bed. hid their mess among theirs. and left them a note...

it didn't work, though. i asked them to be neat and to not smoke.

i woke up at three to slamming doors and cigarette smoke only to go back to sleep and be awakened to the same thing around four-thirty, only from the other roommate. obviously, he works in the galley and is pissed at his manager about something. he ranted about that until five and left.

that's when i was able to try to sleep again. the cigarette smoke from both their nasty cigarettes had filled my area, though, so it was tough.

then, at six, the guy on top's alarm went off for twenty minutes... i tried to knock a damn hole in the bed but he still wouldn't wake up. he finally did at 6:45.

i gave up. i took a shower, brushed my teeth, am here updatin' and will go eat in just a minute.

then, i'm going to h.r. i can't stay there.

aloha

one t

first drill is over!

i had my first crew drill today. my duty is to be crew leader on deck six, zone three, which encompasses all thirteen decks. i must make sure my crew (four people) is present the check all thirteen decks to make sure they're present as well.

should we abandon ship, i have to wait until all thirteen decks come out with their passengers then report to the front of the ship to board our life raft.

was pretty awesome. they actually put the boats in the water and cruised around. certainly not the titanic.

we had some free time earlier so we got off the ship here in hilo. not too much near so we just wandered around. mainly tours of the volcano and helicopter tours, which we did not have time for.

ate lunch... i'm gonna be fat.

now, i'm going back to class. should be off tonight to watch the volcano pass. hope it's flowing. should be very pleasant.

i need a nice digital camera. as soon as i get the money, it'll be my first investment.

aloha

aloha from hawaii!!!

hey guys and girls... i'm finally five hours behind you guys; no longer penned up in maryland. my flight arrived here around eight p.m. local time. i arrived on the ship after a much-needed night of rest about twenty-four hours later.

it is magnificent. huge. overwhelming. amazing.

i'm more excited now than i have been at any point since being a part of this experience.

two of my roommates from piney point are here so that's going to make it that much easier. also, i've seen two people with whom i was friends in maryland here already... even easier a transition.

mojo is my buddy and head bartender. mr. b. is our boss. fun people, both of them.

i haven't had time to visit the island but i have an awesome schedule, which should allow me some time to get off the ship...

my roommates here suck. that's been the only negative thing thus far. no offense to old people but they are. besides that, they both smoke in our shoe-box-sized room. yes, i'm a smoker but never in my bedroom. i've already petitioned to move so i'm crossing my fingers. the place is nasty.

back to the good things... my first two weeks will be spent at the ocean drive pool bar, which is on the top deck in the south beach themed area. after that, who knows.

i have much better access to the internet here - it's certainly not dial-up! having said that, i hope to be in better contact with all of you.

some notes... i heard from christine... she's lost an amazing 32 pounds and is doing well. she'll be going back to work after thanksgiving.

wendell is still in south georgia among the rednecks. haha. he's doing well, too. that's all i'll say about that.

my fish are reportedly still alive, which is a good thing.

guys... i'm so excited. i wish all of you could be here! miss and love you all.

aloha

one t

crossing my fingers...

wow. it's been almost three weeks that i've been here. kind of weird: it seems like such a short period of time yet the friends i've made here seem like life-long aquaintances...

training is almost over... i only have firefighting, swimming and search and rescue left. that happens wednesday and thursday. we graduate thursday and if my mmd card comes in, i'll leave friday for honolulu. i won't be coming home after all.

all my fishies at home are still alive, i'm told. i hope that's still true. i miss them even though i only had them a couple weeks while i was there.

speaking of missing things, i want a mcdonald's double cheeseburger so bad i could kill for it. the food here is awesome but it's ship food and five course meals; nothing fattening.

i'm through working in the bar. i made the third-highest score in my class, which was a 62. before our class, the highest-ever score was 67 so i'm pleased. this place almost sets you up for failure with their weird schedule but you just have to make the most of it, which i did.

i'm not sure which ship i'm going to but i'll e-mail everyone the address when i get it. it'll be nice to stay in touch. also, i have to leave georgia behind and become a hawaiian resident. i won't complain, though.

more later... my fifteen minutes are up. it's like fame. once you have it, it's gone.

ha.

gotta make this a quick one...

i'm still alive... believe it or not. actually, i even weigh four pounds more... i'm over 140 now! (141, shuddup)

anyway, things are going awesome, still. as tom mentioned in his prior comment, this has basically been hell week for us bartenders. we had a test today that covered almost 150 pages of material and menus. we had no clue what to study; just told to know as much as possible.

i think i did rather well. the best score ever is 67 if that tells you anything. i think... and hope... mine is better.

let's see. this has been the past week. wake up at seven (imagine that) go to class at eight. get out at thre/four. work from five-fifteen until midnight and then start over.

notice there is no time for laundry, study, social time... nothing. it's been crazy.

i'm still sane, though.

and... the best of all... it seems like fate has brought me here and put me in the room with the guys i've made friends with as well as the rest of my classmates. we just learned, too, that we will be the last bartenders to go through training for a while! nick of time, huh?

i'll have to work and go to class the same through sunday. so, still not much time. however, i start safety training -- can you believe it's been almost two weeks already -- this weekend. i should have a decent amount of time in the afternoons then. maybe i can return to real life. i don't have any clue what's going out on there. is the world still turning?

it's chilly and blustery here today... not too much going on otherwise.

love all of you and miss you like crazy. i've talked with a bunch of you but haven't had a lot of time for everyone. i'm doing my best and will call as soon as i can.

gotta run eat so i can be at work on time.

later... one t

waking up is hard to do...

breakfast was at seven but class wasn't until nine... i slept in. i just couldn't do it this morning. then, after class, which ended at noon, i took the longest nap i've been able to take here: three hours.

that brings me to now, which is almost five p.m. i'm starving and dinner cannot come soon enough.

everything here is still going well. the new class came in last night so i'm now a junior! yay. and only two weeks until i get to honolulu. i'm excited.

why is it that everytime i get here my mind goes blank?

it just happened.

here in piney point, maryland...

alright. this is the deal. it seems that since the amish surround this base, the mentality overtakes the people here as well. this computer is on dial-up internet: a whole 24 whatever those things are...

having said that, i'll probably just post and respond to those things i can on my blog here rather than responding to each individual e-mail. i realize it is extremely impersonal but... gotta do what ya gotta do.

on to doing that, now

kelley - the lucky bitch - won a $2,000 diamond ring from the radion station the other day... congrats. ever think about selling it and giving me a part? send me a pic.

things here are beyond awesome. i told tom last night that i've been so busy i haven't had time to really miss too many of you, yet. it'll happen, though.

last night we had a five course meal for a select group of the class. it was alright but tuna just doesn't taste well dry. food overall, though, is tasty for cafeteria food. i'm back up to 140 in less than a week!

we welcome a new class tomorrow... party sunday... class next week. karaoke tuesday. a test tomorrow.

lot's o' stuff going on including this class i'm about to be late for...

this experience can only get better...

when i say that i am having an awesome time, it's certainly an understatement. i have three great roommates, all of which come from different areas yet have the most open minds and awesome personalities. we all get along great...

we're the only four bartenders, which makes things even better. our schedules are exact so we're together pretty much all day except for lunch when i venture out to meet some of the other 70 people here. i've met some awesome people.

i knew that this would be a life-changing experience but i'll have to explain that more when i have more time. the world isn't flat anymore, ya know?

anyway, my limit is about up. i have to eat at 5:15 then go to a welcoming luau.

class was great today... i'll have to write more about the skit kyle and i wrote and directed to portray what we've learned so far. very military, very funny and, of course, the best of the day.

later.

not much time to post, but...

i'm here. in class. a lot.

much like boot camp; very regimented and strict. everyone is very polite, though, and i'm having a blast.

i only have limited internet access, just fifteen minutes a day. so, call me or send e-mails but don't expect a long response.

i'm already missing my friends but am quickly gaining new ones.

later.

t minus nineteen hours...

or somewhere about that, i'll be leaving. i fly out in the morning on delta flight 1400 at nine-fifteen. that means i'll have to be up a little early... much to my dismay. i'm nervous and excited at the same time.

many of my friends and aquaintances joined me last night at blake's for my send-off. only a few people who i wanted to be there weren't. some had good excuses while others didn't. but, i understand, i guess. it'll just be six months until i see them again. here's a link :: http://share.shutterfly.com/action/welcome?sid=9AaMmTFs5aMfg

training is going to be intense... seven a.m. until five p.m. each day, seven days a week. i'm not certain how internet access will be. if it's convenient, i'll post and send/receive e-mails. i'll still have my cell as well. (that rhymed)

gotta run... going to see juan, then monte and jennifer is at my loft waiting to go to ikea. i still have to pack, too.

everything is taken care of, i believe. yay!

aloha, y'all.

rather productive day...

my day started when that damn alarm clock went off. don't you hate those things? as much as i do, i have to go buy a battery-operated one for training... ugh. and, i'll have to set it around six a.m. as training is from seven a.m. until five. yay, right?

i'll make it. i'm determined.

warm water woke me as i showered and the new face gel i'm using invigorated me... i needed it. the wind was whipping the whole way home yesterday so i was tense and tired when i got home.

i called tom and asked if he'd like to ride with me to forsyth to pay for the traffic ticket i got last month. we really sat the way there since there was a major accident: it took almost two-and-a-half hours to drive seventy miles.

apparently, i semi rig ran off the road and into a bridge girder. i don't know how the driver or any passengers could have survived as the cab was disintegrated. it was one of the most horrific sights i've seen.

on to forsyth, though... i paid the ticket, which was $140. hated that. then, because of the coast guard's instructions, i asked the lady to correct my name... with one t... but she got mad. she rudely asked for my license to even see if i was telling the truth.

sure enough, there it is: m-a-t-h-e-w. she hit a few keys and handed me a new receipt, which still had two other m-a-t-t-h-e-w's on it. i pointed those out only to be told she couldn't fix any more. don't we hire the best in government?

since we measured the backed-up traffic and determined it was more than eight miles sitting on the asphault, i called leslee to get angel's number. she's doing extremely well... she's opened a restaurant in jackson.

so, we called and stopped by for a bite to eat to pass time. the place is very cute and more than i expected. it's very nice and well equipped and not too far off the interstate. debbie, her aunt, was there and had cooked the daily special, which was homemade vegetable stew with rice and cornbread. mmmm... go by if you ever have a chance. it's about two miles east of exit 198.

i'm working on re-doing her menu as soon as i finish posting.

i have a few more things to take care of tomorrow then my going-away gathering at blake's tomorrow night. only a couple things to do thursday and then i'll be headed to maryland for training.

did everyone forget to tell me that it's winter in atlanta? i came back from south georgia and it's freezing. note: don't wear flip-flops and a short-sleeved shirt... and always remember your jacket.

i'm so tired of this...

a year-and-a-half ago, i made a very difficult decision to wait on my mother to contact me on her own. she hasn't. and i'm still catching wrath for both from within and out.

perhaps i'm wrong. but i believe i am right and until someone can prove me otherwise, i'll stick to my decision.

my aunt sent me another e-mail in response to the one i posted on here. she wasn't happy but i don't care. as you'll read under comments, i believe it is only because she doesn't want the bad side of my family exposed.

what most people don't realize is that i'm not trying to hurt anyone. i'm not name-calling or throwing blame. what i'm doing is defending my position on what i believe has always been a dysfunctional relationship and one that i want repaired so badly.

like i've said before, i'm in the middle. i waiting to be met there.

the e-mail follows:

Mathew,

I am almost speechless at all the garbage I read on your blog. First let me say that I do not appreciate your publishing my email for all your friends and so-called admirers to read. Had I wanted it open to the public, I would have put it there myself. How very convenient of you to block those who want to post anonymously, especially since those are the negative ones! I don't know why people won't sign their names, but you certainly know me well enough to know that the last thing I am is a coward. I'm proud to say that I inherited this trait for your other grandmother.

Along those lines, I hope you don't believe that Mrs. Palmer was the least bit a better person than my mother. On the contrary, Waiver had a few more skeletons in her closet than my mother, yet she had the audacity to talk about Kay's parenting skills (or lack as she put it). Before you're so quick to criticize Kay and paint your grandmother as an angel, I suggest you leave it alone, or I will enlighten you otherwise. Enough said.

I've heard enough about your poor, pitiful life and your caustic remarks about your mother and the rest of our family to make me sick. This only proves further that you are a very disturbed young man who desperately needs psychiatric help, and the pathetic thing is you are so arrogant and self centered that you don't even realize it.

The hurtful remark about Greg is unforgivable. What would make you say that he's mentally retarded? Greg's disabilities are the direct result of the same auto accident that killed his brother, put John in intensive care for months, and left him there for many months. Also, two brain surgeries added to his problems. But how would you know because you WERE NOT THERE!!

You seem to be quite adept at forming opinions when you don't know what you're talking about, and your comment about John not being raised by Kay is a case in point. I won't go into the details about John's upbringing, but be assured that, once again, you're giving your opinion about something you know ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about. As the journalist wannabe that you are, you should know to get your facts straight.

As far as your comments about Dave are concerned, I suppose he chose the Army to escape the horrible living conditions at home (you know - 10 & 15 people living there at once, NO family vacations, etc.)----- but wait, Dave was the golden child who got everything he wanted, so why would he want to leave home? Scratch that one.

Leah did graduate from high school and is enrolled in classes at Thomas Tech. Last I heard, she was doing great. And, she is living alone, supporting herself with two jobs - one at Mitchell Co. Equipment and the other at Georgia Power. Another case of your not having the facts.

I could go on and on, but why? With all of this said, please take your inflated ego, your biting criticisms, your lies and gross misconceptions and be content with the decision you have made. Should anything happen to your mother, I have been asked that you not be notified, and I will honor that request.


Betty

P.S. I'm checking into doing my own "Dear Betty" column - for those who care. Thanks for the idea.

i'm not the only one who isn't perfect...

only members of my journal may post online at this time!

due to freak-a-zoid, folks, now only members of my journal can post comments online. if you'd like to comment, please send me an e-mail at mathew@mathewwithonet.net. i will send you an invite, which will ask you to choose a user name, password and supply your e-mail address.

this way, although i'm not ashamed of those things posted, i can better control the content on here. it is never my desire to hide from my past nor those things present. having said that, the comments which appear on my journal will not be deleted.

i strongly urge any and every person reading my journal to learn one thing from me: don't be afraid to say what you think but be brave enough to attach your name and reputation to your thoughts. i've put my life and a large percentage of what goes on it online. i'm not ashamed of who i am.

if you desire not to post online and still have something to say about a post, feel free to e-mail me. i'm tired of cowards. it's time i get the chance to respond directly to the stranger who wants to critique my life yet leave his/hers in the shadows.

happy days...

now for a real post, i guess.

let's see... where do i start. all of you know i'm not perfect. i was trying to keep that from everyone.

i got up yesterday and baked a banana pudding. it was good but the meringue turned out like shit. i think i spread it too thinly. oh well.

then i watched the uga game, which was pretty darned good. i wish i had been in athens with niki to watch it. bet she was a sight! haha. they won so they're still undefeated. wouldn't it be cool if they stayed that way? florida is next then i think they're off a week before auburn. we'll see.

after that i napped, then went out to eat. we ate at seafood by the bay... haha... which turned out to be a treat. first, the flounder i ordered disintegated on my plate. literally. then about four hours later i got sick as a dog. i felt like crap.

we were in valdosta when that kicked in... the club was alright. still no better than last week but several friends were there so it was nice to see them before i leave south georgia and especially before i leave the continental u.s.

speaking of which, i'm leaving south georgia probably around lunch tomorrow. i have a lot to do between now and friday. let's hope i have time...

speaking of which, i sent out evites for my going away gathering. if you didn't get one, e-mail me for details (mathew@mathewwithonet.net).

until next time, stayed tuned in...

more dialogue...

at first, i didn't want all this to be so public. but, i do appreciate those of you who have talked to me about this whether on the phone or e-mail and have told me who you are. maybe this will be seen by the right person.

i've taken all the advice i can. let me tell you, my decision has not been a rash one. as you'll see in my reply to tom's e-mail below, it's been a long time coming.


Mathew,

I don’t mind taking a turn in the reality check for a bit. While I have my moment of fame let me provide some additional personal information for the fodder, which is that I have a son who is 26 years old.

I don’t have a relationship with my son as I figure the ball is in his court now that he is an adult and can make his own choices of who he wants in his life. I just can’t keep hitting a brick wall any more; (the groveling) the list of my wrongs goes on and on.

There are so many things I could have done differently as a father. The word is hard to use, because it does not apply to me. I have so many “could haves, would haves and should haves”. I should have stayed in my home town and took any job that was available in order to be a “father” to my son every weekend.

Oh, but I did not want to work at a gas station in a small town with few good jobs in order to go fishing with my son on weekends. Instead, I chose a high tech career the promotions, traveling the world and living in Europe. I thought phone calls and visits a few times a year were enough. I did not know where he was living at times and had to find out through school transfer records, but I found him and then took him out shopping for the holidays.

I always told him “what is the one thing I never want you to forget?” He would say “that you love me”. I was always honest with him about what I am and also believed that was enough. I could not understand why he always seemed to have a “chip” on his shoulder, carrying around this sense of entitlement of “I’m owed” and this man that for some reason thinks he is my father is going to have to grovel if he wants to be part of my life.

I thought I tried to do the best I could with the tools that I had to work with and he would understand because that was enough. One of the last times we spoke he said that he did me a favor by taking my phone calls over the years.

My mom and dad used to say: “wait until you have kids” as a young man I knew they did not know what they were talking about. It was an awesome experience to hold my son for the first time in the delivery room, I thought bonding and the biological parenting instinct was only something that happened to mothers.

Believe me, he had every toy he wanted, we went snowmobiling, fishing and camping, for the 5 years we were all together. However, in the last few years no matter how many times I’ve tried to call him and tell him I love him, I know I failed him as a Father and I’m going to be paying for that a very long time. I can tell you first hand that “pay backs are a bitch”.

a little about me

since all my decisions are being ripped to shreds and my incredibilty questioned, i thought i'd share this latest 'behavioral research survey' i just completed for work. it's quite interesting, actually. almost like a horoscope; some things are right on while others are a little questionable.

"He who knows others is learned. He who knows himself is wise." –Lao Tse

INTRODUCTION :: Behavioral research suggests that the most effective people are those who understand themselves, both their strengths and weaknesses, so they can develop strategies to meet the demands of their environment. A person's behavior is a necessary and integral part of who they are. In other words, much of our behavior comes from "nature" (inherent), and much comes from "nurture" (our upbringing). It is the universal language of "how we act," or our observable human behavior.

In this report we are measuring four dimensions of normal behavior.

1. how you respond to problems and challenges.
2. how you influence others to your point of view.
3. how you respond to the pace of the environment.
4. how you respond to rules and procedures set by others.

This report analyzes behavioral style; that is, a person's manner of doing things. Is the report 100% true? Yes, no and maybe. We are only measuring behavior. We only report statements from areas of behavior in which tendencies are shown. To improve accuracy, feel free to make notes or edit the report regarding any statement from the report that may or may not apply, but only after checking with friends or colleagues to see if they agree.

"All people exhibit all four behavioral factors in varying degrees of intensity." –W.M. Marston

BASIC CHARACTERISTICS :: Based on Mathew's responses, the report has generated general behavioral statements to provide information on his natural behavior. That is, if left on his own, HOW HE WOULD CHOOSE TO DO THE JOB.

Mathew will work hard at achieving his goals. He loves to win and hates to lose. He displays a high energy factor and is optimistic about the results he can achieve. The word "can't" is not in his vocabulary. He is often considered daring, bold and gutsy. He is a risk taker who likes to be seen as an individualist. He prefers being a team player, and wants each player to contribute along with him.

Mathew has high ego strengths and may be viewed by some as egotistical. He wants to be viewed as self-reliant and willing to pay the price for success. He embraces visions not always seen by others. Mathew's creative mind allows him to see the "big picture." Most people see him as a high risk-taker. His view is, "nothing ventured, nothing gained."

Mathew is an aggressive individual who wins through hard work and persistence; that is, he will come up with a good idea and follow through. He can be successful at many things, not because of versatility but rather because of his determination to win. Mathew prefers authority equal to his responsibility. Sometimes he becomes emotionally involved in the decision-making process. When faced with a tough decision, he will try to sell you on his ideas. He has the unique ability of tackling tough problems and following them through to a satisfactory conclusion.

Mathew is decisive and prefers to work for a decisive manager. He can experience stress if his manager does not possess similar traits. He is a good problem solver and troubleshooter, always seeking new ways to solve old problems. He finds it easy to share his opinions on solving work-related problems.

Mathew challenges people who volunteer their opinions. He likes people who give him options as compared to their opinions. The options may help him make decisions, and he values his own opinion over that of others! He may sometimes mask his feelings in friendly terms. If pressured, Mathew's true feelings may emerge. He tends to influence people by being direct, friendly and results-oriented.

Mathew has the ability to ask the right questions and destroy a shallow idea. Some people may feel these questions are a personal attack upon their integrity; however, this is just his way of getting the appropriate facts. He likes people who present their case effectively. When they do, he can then make a quicker assessment or decision. He may lose interest in what others are saying if they ramble or don't speak to the point. His active mind is already moving ahead.

WORK CHARACTERISTICS :: Mathew sees his present work environment requiring him to exhibit the behavior listed on this page. If the following statements DO NOT sound job related, explore the reasons why he is adapting this behavior.

• Optimistic, future-oriented outlook.
• Maintaining an ever-changing, friendly, work environment.
• Making tactful decisions.
• Dealing with a wide variety of work activities.
• Anticipating and solving problems.
• Flexibility.
• Participative decision making.
• Positive, outgoing, friendly behavior.
• Skillful use of vocabulary for persuasive situations.
• Preferring people involvement over task focus.
• Motivating people to take action by using persuasive skills.

VALUE TO THE TEAM :: This section of the report identifies Mathew's value to the team.

• Has the confidence to do the difficult assignments.
• Accomplishes goals through people.
• Creative in his approach to solving problems.
• Can support or oppose strongly.
• Will join organizations to represent the company.
• Self-starter.
• Usually makes decisions with the bottom line in mind.

VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION :: This section identifies the behavior Mathew brings to the organization.

• Will join organizations to represent the company.
• Usually makes decisions with the bottom line in mind.
• Innovative.
• Positive sense of humor.
• Tenacious.
• Optimistic and enthusiastic.
• Creative in his approach to solving problems.
• Motivates others towards goals.

EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION :: Most people are aware of and sensitive to the ways with which they prefer to be communicated. Many people find this section to be extremely accurate and important for enhanced interpersonal communication. This page provides other people with a list of things to DO when communicating with Mathew. Read each statement and identify the 3 or 4 statements which are most important to him. We recommend highlighting the most important "DO's" and provide a listing to those who communicate with Mathew most frequently.

DO:

• Provide facts and figures about probability of success, or effectiveness of options.
• Expect him to return to fight another day when he has received a "no" answer.
• Flatter his ego.
• Provide questions, alternatives and choices for making his own decisions.
• Ask specific (preferably "what?") questions.
• Define the problem in writing.
• Clarify any parameters in writing.
• Provide "yes" or "no" answers--not maybe.
• Support the results, not the person, if you agree.
• Present the facts logically; plan your presentation efficiently.
• Support and maintain an environment where he can be efficient.
• Be clear, specific, brief and to the point.

DON'TS ON COMMUNICATING :: This section of the report is a list of things NOT to do while communicating with Mathew. Review each statement with Mathew and identify those methods of communication that result in frustration or reduced performance. By sharing this information, both parties can negotiate a communication system that is mutually agreeable.

DON'T:

• Forget or lose things, be disorganized or messy, confuse or distract his mind from business.
• Come with a ready-made decision, or make it for him.
• Direct or order.
• Be paternalistic.
• Try to build personal relationships.
• Be redundant.
• Let him overpower you with verbiage.
• Let disagreement reflect on him personally.
• Ramble on, or waste his time.
• Muffle or overcontrol.
• Try to convince by "personal" means.

COMMUNICATION TIPS :: This section provides suggestions on methods which will improve Mathew's communications with others. The tips include a brief description of typical people with whom he may interact. By adapting to the communication style desired by other people, Mathew will become more effective in his communications with them. He may have to practice some flexibility in varying his communication style with others who may be different from himself. This flexibility and the ability to interpret the needs of others is the mark of a superior communicator.

When communicating with a person who is ambitious, forceful, decisive, strong-willed, independent and goal-oriented:

• Be clear, specific, brief and to the point.
• Stick to business.
• Be prepared with support material in a well-organized "package."

Factors that will create tension or dissatisfaction:

• Talking about things that are not relevant to the issue.
• Leaving loopholes or cloudy issues.
• Appearing disorganized.

When communicating with a person who is magnetic, enthusiastic, friendly, demonstrative and political:

• Provide a warm and friendly environment.
• Don't deal with a lot of details (put them in writing).
• Ask "feeling" questions to draw their opinions or comments.

Factors that will create tension or dissatisfaction:

• Being curt, cold or tight-lipped.
• Controlling the conversation.
• Driving on facts and figures, alternatives, abstractions.

When communicating with a person who is patient, predictable, reliable, steady, relaxed and modest:

• Begin with a personal comment--break the ice.
• Present your case softly, nonthreateningly.
• Ask "how?" questions to draw their opinions.

Factors that will create tension or dissatisfaction:

• Rushing headlong into business.
• Being domineering or demanding.
• Forcing them to respond quickly to your objectives.

When communicating with a person who is dependent, neat, conservative, perfectionist, careful and compliant:

• Prepare your "case" in advance.
• Stick to business.
• Be accurate and realistic.

Factors that will create tension or dissatisfaction:

• Being giddy, casual, informal, loud.
• Pushing too hard or being unrealistic with deadlines.
• Being disorganized or messy.

TEAM EFFECTIVENESS FACTORS :: Mathew's behavioral work style may or may not be compatible with other team members. Each team member brings their own strengths and weaknesses. This section of the report allows his strengths and weaknesses to be analyzed. Remember, a strength can turn into a weakness if overextended.

STRENGTH - Strong ego. POTENTIAL WEAKNESS - Possibility of offending others if "overdone."

STRENGTH - Seeks responsibility. POTENTIAL WEAKNESS - Overuses position of power and authority.

STRENGTH - Believes in getting results through people. POTENTIAL WEAKNESS -None.

STRENGTH - Sets high standard for self and others. POTENTIAL WEAKNESS -Standards may be so high they are impossible to achieve.

STRENGTH - Seeks challenges and problems to solve. POTENTIAL WEAKNESS -Takes on too many and may forget priorities.

STRENGTH - Straightforward communicator. POTENTIAL WEAKNESS - May make remarks that are untimely or untactful.

STRENGTH - Result- and goal-oriented. POTENTIAL WEAKNESS - May overstep authority to achieve goals.

PERCEPTIONS :: A person's behavior and feelings may be quickly telegraphed to others. This section provides additional information on Mathew's self-perception and how, under certain conditions, others may perceive his behavior. Understanding this section will empower Mathew to project the image that will allow him to control the situation.

SELF-PERCEPTION :: Mathew usually sees himself as being:

• Pioneering
• Assertive
• Competitive
• Confident
• Positive
• Winner

OTHERS' PERCEPTION :: Under moderate pressure, tension, stress or fatigue, others may see him as being:

• Demanding
• Nervy
• Egotistical
• Aggressive

And, under extreme pressure, stress or fatigue, others may see him as being:

• Abrasive
• Controlling
• Arbitrary

e-mail from tom...

many of you have expressed concern that at least one anonymous poster may have been tom... here's the latest e-mail from him.

Mathew

I honestly hope you find out who is posting on your site as I've posted my name and have no problems telling you directly how I feel. I know I'm a likely suspect because I strongly agree with 75% or more of what people have said. Some people have said it better than I can and know a lot more information about you than I do.

However, where I disagree is that what I've done financially for you has been out my own free will, and love for a guy. If its been the wrong thing to do, then I have ONLY myself to blame.

Until you have your answers go ahead and use my name with your morphine comment. I'm actually interested in how people feel about providing my mother with as much morphine as possible while she screams in agony to anyone who will listen from the pain of ovarian cancer. If someone wants to tell me how wrong I was, then I really do want to hear why. I really am interested in others experiences. Any topic about me is open for the grist mill. The anon part does not concern me in the least, just as long as I get to respond.

Meanwhile I'll continue to think about some ways to set up a scholarship fund for Tristan Kyle Palmer at Georgia State if his dad decides not to attend. I won't be needing anything where I'm going to wind up anyway, exept an air conditioner. For me it really has been all about you (except I won't be a door mat for anyone).

Love
Tom

i have responded to him directly and normally would not post personal information. however, in this case, personal has become public.