my feet are on georgia soil...

technically, it's carpet right now, but nonetheless...

i arrived safely, although wasted, at about five a.m. this morning. i had, oh, about 12 vodkas... it was lovely.

wendell and matt picked me up and we went to eat at my favorite breakfast spot, the majestic.

now we're at jeremy and sean's where we stayed last night, or for the last couple hours, i guess.

i'm about to leave to see the city. i've missed it.

will call everyone soon.

and thanks for the concerns, thoughts, prayers... all that good stuff.

(golden girl music plays...) thank you for being a friend.

i've had enough... i'm coming home.

alright... so i tried. i can't take anymore.

i don't know if the decision i made was the right one but i quit tonight. i had to. if i wanted to concentrate on all the bad things, i could. but, i tried to make the best of it.

anyway... there's a lot i haven't put on here as to what has been going on. believe me, though, i've hung in there. i believe this is the most patient i have ever been and the hardest i've ever tried to accomplish something.

in the back of my mind, i hear monte saying, 'you'll never make it.' i wanted to make it and at the same time prove him wrong.

however, this job is too stressful, the money is not there (i'm making less than $400 a week), and the management here sucks.

one of the most difficult decisions, which i knew would possess repercussions, happened tonight.

this is the bottom line: a guy - two actually - were fighting or wrestling, whatever you wish - when ones neck one snapped. one was paralyzed and remains in the hospital. the bar managemnt has chosen to cover it.

i can't work for them. i don't trust them. i don't like them.

and, as petty as it sounds, i was supposed to have an hour break. as i was finishing eating, my head bartender comes to me, addresses me as 'buddy' (this is his change from 'mat') and tells me i need to get back to work when i've only been gone less than half the time guaranteed.

this is also after last night when some stupid bitch pours honey, crushes lemons, limes and olives on the floor so to create more work for me.

i quit. went to my room to begin packing. mojo, the head bartender came to talk to me when i told him i'd made my decision. he told me i had to do what i had to do.

i told him this is what i had to do.

thirty minutes later, he called to 'ask' me to come back to work; he was short-staffed. not wanting to fuck-over everyone and after resistance, i went to work.

what happened: i was fucked over again! they sent me to a bar that was dead where i was the only server. i sold about $80 while i normally serve at least $500. in my place at my regular bar, they called in someone to replace me.

why not just leave my in my bar where he was 'short-staffed' and send the much-junior person to the dead bar?

i'm tired of it.

i can't do it anymore.

i miss home. i miss my friends. i know i can do better therel; at least make more money.

i don't know what i'm going to do right now. i don't get paid until thursday, which requires me to stay on the islands until then. i haven't researched flights.... even if i did, i only have a little money.

ugh.

i'm between a rock and a hard place but i just can't take it.

i'll call when i can.

just another day in paradise...

so, it's the last day of my tenth cruise. i'm halfway home! it is so weird: seems like just yesterday that i got here...

i bought an iPod yesterday. very sharp. it's black and i bought a 'skin' to protect it that looks like a tire. very masculine and cool, i think. i downloaded songs from the library here but obviously messed up. it put about 200 songs on it that i've never heard... and now that i have, clearly don't want. i'll fix that tonight after work, probably.

i was told by an anonymous poster (after i was addressed by 'MaTThew') that i 'appear to be a conceited, selfish young boy who is searching for manhood.' aren't we all? i'm very conceited at times. convinced more, though.

s/he also says that i won't 'find it in Hawaii.' who says i'm looking for manhood here? it's all about the money that i came, although that's certainly not what is happening. their belief is that hawaii is the 'place to hide from the cold harsh reality that your beauty, if in fact you are, is actually average and is not so different from everyone else.' amazing what someone can say about someone they don't know.

their final request... 'please take this opportunity to grow up and act like a man... not a boy who whines and complains about other people's success.' i'm growing each day, much like most people. and i don't believe i whine and complain about others success. in fact, i have recently lauded someone for their success, which took a lot to do.

but... i'm not here to answer to anonymous. rather, i wanted to acknowledge their post publicly and let them know... i've been a man for a while. there are times when i'm a boy and it's those times i still love myself and still happy to be who i am.

and my beauty, while i do believe it's average, is acknowledged pretty much every day. i don't have to look for compliments. my looks, along with my personality, are always appreciated by someone. as the saying goes, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

why must people try to break someone down all the time? when is that we can all look at each other as equals and get along? why is it that i fall into that trap sometimes, too? do we not realize that we all have feelings and that they, above all, should be respected?

it's clear this post was an attack... after all, my name is m-a-t-h-e-w, not 'maTThew.'

on to other things... there's a huge scandal on the ship right now. i've discussed it with a few people but am in a difficult position with what to do about it. (it does not involve me.) just makes my days on the ship a little bit harder.

we'll change bars again tomorrow. i'm not certain where i'll be but i know i'll be leaving pink's. i like the bar and the girls i work with but am kind of tired of the monotony. same entertainer each night, same guests, same songs.

hmmm... it's 2:10. i need to go shave and get ready for work. we're about to leave kauai.

wow... it's been a couple days.

i didn't realize that i had not posted... been busy.

last week was a very fun cruise, probably the best thus far when relating to passengers. several fun people on board. and being in the atrium bar helps a lot, too.

yesterday, brian, deanna, sam and i went to mama's fish house. it's a pricey little place on the beach in paia, maui. oh my god. i can't believe how good the food was. i wish i could eat there every day. if anyone ever comes to maui... you must eat there.

from there, we went to one of the parks where one of the many battles where fought. it looks much like a japenese zen garden with a crystal clear creek flowing through it, which, by the way, is very, very cold.

after work last night, we headed to a dive for karaoke. ha. it's amazing the voice you have after shots. i hate shots, did i mention that?

then, we went to denny's where i had a very 'informal' interview with the cruise director. we've been talking casually about my changing to cruise staff as a host, which means that i would be meeting and greeting passengers on embarkation day and hosting the festivities around the ship. sounds fun.

i'm going to prepare my resume for him after i finish this post for him to forward to miami. it's a much better position, including full benefits, paid vacation and access to the ship.

now for the big news... if i end up not getting the position, i've decided i'm leaving the ship. the bar has been fun but i'm not making the money i need to. besides that, the management are producers of the world's worst soap opera, taking care of only those who kiss their ass. i'm not one of those and i'll leave it at that.

i didn't say i was coming back to atlanta, either.... that's because i'm not sure what i am going to do. i'm at a clever junction right now. i have no car and no apartment and, besides a cell phone bill, i have no other obligations.

atlanta is largely where i'll probably end up but there are other choices i'm considering, such as san diego, key west, boston... just somewhere else.

just thoughts at this point but something i'm pondering, nonetheless.

i've missed all my friends and continue to. however, travel within the states is not a huge ordeal. i could visit. you could visit. whatever.

also, there was a blind passenger on board yesterday who i served and who also made me remember the passion i have for those with disabilities. i'm beginning to think about going back to school and returning to my original major of education for the blind, deaf and handicapped.

we'll see.

for now, i'm taking the first step, which is going to update my resume.

aloha.

i hate taking medicine.

i guess it's better than the alternative of not having any... but it (vicodin, again) makes me so damn loopy, lethargic and itchy that it's almost not worth it, not to mention the strange dreams i've had... again.

last night, i dreamed that ryan and i watched his dad beat his mom behind the mccook's house... then i was in charge at the newpaper meeting and went crazy on the captain because he hasn't approved it, yet. i don't know what else but it's been weird.

things are alright, though. my mouth doesn't hurt but i have been bleeding much more this time. i need new pillowcases. yuck.

anwyay, i've had applesauce and pudding so far this morning. i'm going to head to crew mess to see what else is there i can eat.

i'll call you guys later. i am scheduled off tonight but want to work... we'll see. i'm going to eat and go back to bed until four.

emotional roller coaster

i don't have to say it. it's written right here. these last few weeks have been hell. i'm tired of it.

i have to go to the dentist in the morning, again. more work. check-up, more money. speaking of which, i need to check to see if i have any to pay for the visit...

work could not be going better this week. great, fun guests and a nice bar with an awesome pianist and singer. very elegant and much unlike the other bars. i could stay in this one forever. the money isn't that bad, either. not good, just not that bad.

if you're reading this, leslee, hope you're feeling bustful and better. : )

my hair looks great today. just had to state that.

i'm tired. brian and i met some of the girls from the other ship today for lunch. they're in hilo (a day behind but on the same island) they drove over and hung out with us. very nice time to catch up and talk about good 'ole piney point. it's amazing the friendships i've made in such a short period of time. they're not the friends like those back home that i know i could count on not matter what. but, they are, at least, the types that are fun and supportive and understand.

huh. goin' to bed. i can't think anymore.

people amaze me.

you know, you talk to people and think you know them. you think they're you're friends. and then you wonder.

they're all talking behind your back. they're all wanting accolades. they're all being dicks.

maybe i am, too.

but does anyone understand the situation i am in?

if you need thanks from me, here it is: THANKS. if you need it personally, let me know so i can be a robot, too, and call you and kiss your ass.

if being my friend is an imposition to anyone reading this, let me know. i don't have time to bend over backwards to kiss your ass when i need to be standing straight and looking ahead to what i'm going to do when i get home with no house and no car.

one of the best days ever... or at least in a while.

i'm in hawaii. it's a fact but one that escapes me often, believe it or not.

i took advantage of that today. at daybreak, i got off the ship... we went to eat at ken's pancake house where i had some wonderful french toast. i forgot how good it was.

then, we went to richardson's beach, which is nothing, basically, other than a spot of rock from the lava flow. we walked around it noticing the formation of it, the plants growing from it and even the marine life in the puddles of water around it. very intriguing.

after that, we went to another beach spot to watch the kayakers and canoe people practice. was fun.

we took a decent walk into downtown and around to all the shops before we ate at cronie's. the mushroom swiss burger was awesome.

before long, it was time to come back to the ship and go to work...

ugh. it wasn't fun. in fact, tonight wasn't a good night. just a lot of bad attitudes in the bar. i think it's because we all were up and off the ship all day, thus being tired.

right now i'm headed to the crew bar to have a ice-cold bud. maybe two. or three.

going to the black sand beach.

i have to go to sleep. i'm going to the beach with some passengers at ten.

just wanted to confirm that i'm alright and not totally pissed off by the prior post.

it's self-explanatory.

hope all is well with all you bitches. i love you all.

one t

why can't we all just get along?

here's an important notice, with permission to post: there is animosity, misunderstanding and other negative things among several of my friends. i'm getting e-mails from a few of you about others... about what i post, they post or what you choose not to post.

i don't want my journal to be a soap-opera. what i want, though, is for all of us to be adults.

from this point forward... i've granted access to absolutely anyone to post... i want any issues you have with my posts, their posts or whatever to be online. if you don't want it online, deal with it seperately, please. you can e-mail each other, call or send smoke signals. i don't care.

i feel, recently, as if i'm being put in the middle and being judged by the decisions i'm making. i don't like that.

we should all strive to understand... this is something i have to work on, too... that we're different, come from different places, backgrounds and have different intentions and goals. we don't have to approve - and many times we won't - but we should learn to tolerate.

i don't know why i'm so damn philosophical and lovey-dovey tonight, but i am. so deal with it.

i miss everyone of you and can't wait until april to get to see most of you again. but i'm getting really sick and tired of mediating e-mails and wasting phone time to high school bullshit.

keep it to yourself or deal with it. you can do it here. phone. e-mail. in person or through God.

you just cannot do it through me anymore.

my room is a mess.

i don't know why it's so hard to come up with a heading for these posts but it is sometimes. so, you know my room is a mess. it is. it's bad. all my clothes are at the end of the twin bed i sleep on. good thing i'm thin.

i have done nothing today but lay out up on deck thirteen. hawaii should be called the windy, aloha state. the wind almost blew me down today. crazy.

anyway, i'm working on my tan so that when i get home i'll look better than all of you. haha. honestly, it's so relaxin' being up there alone with no noise other than the wind and seeing mountains, the ocean, airplanes landing, helicopters buzzing by and clouds rolling in while the surf crashes. kayaks rip through the water while surf boys ride the waves. it's surreal sometimes.

my phone is still screwed up. the chick at the store told me immediately that it was 'water damage' to my battery, selling me a new one. well, it wasn't the battery! (the new one cost $50). i guess i'll have to buy a new phone... but, maybe it's time for one. i think i want one with internet capability on it. we'll see.

i had a preliminary interview for the crew activities coordinator position this morning. they called and woke me... at 11:25. hah. went well, actually. i have a lot of good things going for me, namely the fact that i designed and edited the crew newsletter (which is still waiting for the captain's approval. justin said the hotel director loved it). the only two set-backs, if you will, are the fact that i'm new (relatively) to the ship and the fact that i don't have my degree yet. they pointed out neither but i'm being realistic. imagine that.

i'll get a call this week, they said, if they want to interview me more. i hope that i get the job. i'd really like to have it so that i have more sense of purpose rather than just pushing drinks on people. we are forced to sale so much that people, when you say hello, automatically throw their hands in the air saying, 'no, i don't need anything.' it sucks. i've almost got a bad attitude... alright, sometimes i do... about it. the passengers are rude about it, although it's not their fault. i've told some of them that i'm just speaking and they get offended. crazy. (just a rant, not the whole of the time...)

some girl is in here talking on her cell phone about snow peas. weird.

marcus... i wrote the directions on how to post up top. read 'em. you're not excluded, i promise.

hmmm... i always try to think of everything to write but remember ten minutes after i sign off.

you know, i think i'm going to be in hawaii for five months and never have the chance to go to a luau. i better.

i have another dentist appointement on thursday... should go well. it'll be then, i assume, that i get more info about how much it's going to cost to get my bridge or plate or whatever. got cash?

most of you won't care but tom got a promotion on the ship. he's now the i.t. director and an officer. although i don't believe his intentions were sincere coming to the ship, i'm proud that he is in a position that suits him and adds to his life. he's quite the weird guy sometimes but deserves chances, too. hope it all works out. just pissed that he's making more money than me, damnit. ha.

i'm hungry so i'm gonna go eat.

oh, i have to admit before i sign off that i've cheated on the no-smoking thing but not bad. i had a couple last night... it's the sixteenth, though, so that's not bad at all.

i need to do a change of address but i don't have a new place to send it to... how sad is that? i'd do it to leslee and jennifer's but that dumb bitch at the post office in sale city would put it in my mom's box. how sad is it that you live in a town where everyone knows your business?

i gotta go before i get mean.

didn't even notice it...

thirteen is my lucky number, after all. yesterday was friday-the-thirteenth. all was well, though.

i have to mention this... have you guys seen christine lately? she sent me pics and looks FABULOUS! i don't use that word often and i don't capitalize in my blog. i mean it. you go girl!

i don't say that much, either.

love you!

sometimes you just have to laugh...

...to keep from crying. i don't know who said that or what they were going through but it can be so true.

the amazing thing is, no matter what you're going through, although it's not guaranteed, there always seems to be tomorrow. there always seems to be that someone or some thing put in your life that you notice is a bit worse off than you.

God has a plan. we just have to stick to it and deal with not understanding sometimes. we have to realize that we aren't going to know what tomorrow brings or even if tomorrow will be ours. in turn, i guess, is where patience, something i wasn't blessed with much of, comes in. patience. be patient.

work is going well and the last two weeks have been just about hell. we were slammed last week -- good money -- with long hours and difficult guests. this week, we're on walker-patrol where we have to pull teeth - no pun intended - to get someone to buy a drink.

on top of that, the bartender i'm working with reminds me so much of my over-confident asshole brother that i want to puke. (i love my brother but this bartender exhibits each one of his bad habits.) i feel like i'm thirteen again and the last kid to be picked at dodge ball. not in the popularity contest but in the fact that i'm doing well and this jerk has a problem with it. i dare say i'm intimidating to him and he's trying to make things difficult.

which is where patience comes in. we're only in bars for two weeks. tonight is my last night with him. after this, i change to the champagne/cigar bar with my favorite bartender... she calls me her o.c.d. bartender. i just saw her and she told me she wants her pantry cleaned. that's what patience does for you. go through hell. then you get a break. God has to be laughing. job has to be relieved it's not him, again.

i've cooled down about the situation back home although i'm still in some state of shock about it all. i don't even know where my fish are...

oh. ford factory sucks, by the way. lindsay is a lying bitch. they're the worst management company ever. don't rent from them nor let anyone you know go there. ever since i have lived there, it has been a comedy of errors and lies and shortcomings. not that i need back-up, but i can provide many residents who believe the same as i.

this, remember, is the same chick who said a child molester who lived in the building was a 'good resident.' as i stated in a post way back when, if that's good, i'd hate to see bad.

i am fighting with velocity kickboxing, still. i haven't been in georgia since october... cancelled my membership in september... and they call in january to ask about a late payment. i called and told them it was supposed to be cancelled, which they agreed, but told me to call their billing outsource. i did but they said i would have to have a hawaiian license to get a refund.

apparently they don't understand i work on a huge fucking ship that floats on the water, thus i don't need a damn driver's license. leslee... perhaps you can work me up a document on this. i told them i am not changing residency since this is a type of 'sub-contracting' work and only for a few months at the time. the chick i talked to was another who checked 'ignorant' on her application in order to get the job.

boy, i'm in rare form today.

actually, i pretty lazy. now that i don't smoke, i just eat. speaking of which, i can again. my mouth is healing well and is to the point to where i can eat harder foods although i haven't graduated to meat yet. i did have pizza earlier. i've fallen in love with the little fruit bowls of peaches... i think i had four in one sitting yesterday.

i can't wait until i can eat my oreos. i have three packs waiting on me. if i soak them in milk long enough and chew with my front teeth - closely resembling a rabbit - it works.

you should hear my coworkers picking on me about my teeth. they're funny. of course, there's been a hundred and one 'south' jokes... oh well, makes them laugh and makes me feel... wait a minute!

hmmm... i just realized i still haven't mailed the macedamia nuts i bought jennifer my first week here. that was seven weeks ago. wow. i'm a procrastinator, i know. wow, seven weeks ago... i'm almost done with my rotation.

oh... i applied for another job. this time, crew activities coordinator. i don't think the chances are high that i'll get it but i think i've explained that the bar is not what it's cracked up to be. just a lot of politics, long, unproductive hours and little money. we're, believe it or not, the lowest paid on the ship. sucks.

oh well, regardless, i'm assuming this is a five month vacation. speaking of which, i have a couple hours before i have to go to work. we're sitting along the coast line where jurassic park was filmed. i think i'm going to roam up to the crew deck and relax. i'm going to need it before this last night with jack-off.

aloha.

so i'm the bad guy...

word gets around in a small, small town. or so the song says. when does one become wrong for expressing feelings and emotions that are natural and of which he has no control?

i tried to lay out today but the sky is overcast. i didn't have enough patience to lay there during the clouds. perhaps that's a fitting analogy of my life right now. i need to be patient during the clouds. later, maybe.

it's almost lunch time. i was going to eat while i was off the ship but i forgot my wallet onboard. so, it's crew mess for me. i've eaten some peaches and alphabet soup this morning. i have a million snacks in my room but they're all crunchy and require teeth. ha.

i just talked to the cruise director about changing to cruise staff. i am really beginning to hate the bar department. we're made to be vultures on people who clearly don't intend on drinking. we're more of a depends-changing, walker duty department. do young people exist anymore?

anyway, the cruise staff have more benefits, such as... more pay, access to the ships restaurants and bars, shorter, more efficient hours... two-man cabins. just better, i think. i'm tired of walking around pressuring people to buy something they never intended to have.

we'll see what happens.

i have another dentist appointment next week. it's been one already. my mouth is healing rather well and i haven't had any pain. just about like when i had my wisdom teeth out.

i'm hungry. tired of typing. later.

so it was then that everything was going well...

when everything fell apart. just surmise the worst that could happen right now and assume it did.

i'll be looking for a place to live come april. it'll need to accept wic, be marta accesible and preferrably be surrounded by razor wire. that's about where people in my situation end up.

but, instead of being negative - this is my year, i've claimed - i will declare myself rock-bottom and begin crawling up. i'm not sure how i'm going to do it yet i always do. for one thing, i'll look to friends but i'll depend only on myself. i'm the only person who hasn't failed me.

just a note... if you don't want to see something written in my journal, don't be my friend. i do have the decency to edit certain things. however, i'm not in the business to censor my life. until recently, my journal was titled, in my own words, the real me. it's time i hold true to that. perhaps then these cloaks of fakeness and pretentiousness and those around me who wear the same will fall away or at least improve their worth.

i'm really on a soapbox and perhaps i shouldn't be. but i am damnit. get over it.

i'm so ready to eat...

i can eat... have been. but i just want to sit down and eat and not think about it.

i did last night but it hurt. oh well, just a little more time to endure then all will be well.

i guess i've pissed off the calvary... such is life, though.

we have diaper duty on this cruise. last night, the bar was dead by midnight. why it took us until two a.m. to get out of there, i'm not sure. actually, i am. it's called lazy bitches and a bartender nazi.

the weather is yucky outside. it's warm but wet and grey. not a pleasant looking day. we're in maui today because of our schedule change. if i take the chance, i'm going to run across the street and upload some pictures i have...

some are really good while others... well, they're all fun.

tom left me a voice message this a.m. he's applying for an i.t. position on the aloha. perhaps that better suits him.

birthday wishes... yonnathan! mrs. rhonda! juan! john! and, of course, my dad and nannie.

i have to go get stock for the bar after i eat my morning oatmeal.

later.

ugh.

ever have that no-so-fresh feeling. hate it when there's nothing you can do about it?

yeah.

i'm going back to work tonight. i've gotten a bit lazy although i just had this mad streak of energy and cleaned our cabin. looks and smells nice, though.

i got a text from tom yesterday. it simply stated: i've discovered hell. not sure what he meant by that.

of course, certain people didn't like the fact that i had lunch with him and perhaps i can understand why. however, why is there a need to be blatantly rude to someone when it will accomplish nothing?

i don't understand why tom decided to take a position other than to follow me. he says that is not the reason so there's no sense to argue. i did not want him on this ship with me, which i explained to him on the phone and through e-mail, which is published earlier in this blog.

we were both at the mall, i wanted to eat and he joined me. my whole issue was with him being on this ship with me. he's not so there's no issue.

yes, i still think it's weird he's in hawaii but he's not intruding on me. it won't be for at least five months that i see him again.

meanwhile, i believe some people should get over themselves. if you're offended by that comment, it's most likely you.

i'm in a bad mood and probably shouldn't write publicly right now...

on a good note... i talked to several people today. missed some of you but will try again. i think i am going to the beach tomorrow to relax a bit. after today, i need it.

feeling much better...

i guess i'm going back to work today. that is, if i'm not malnourished. when you can only have 'soft' food, there isn't much to choose from. and when you're locked on a ship, your choices are even less.

anyway... i am feeling much better. my pee smells like penicillin every morning. 'bout it.

i'm going to eat breakfast. which is oatmeal.

later.

today would have been my dad's birthday...

i think he would be 52... i think.

random stuff...

my insurance plan onboard sure is nice. for all my medicine, i paid only ten bucks. that which i could get onboard was free. the vicodin was the ten dollars, but for sixteen pills.

i ran into tom at the drug store. he finally made it to hawaii but is on the other ship, pride of aloha. i just ran into one of my classmates from piney point who said many of those other classmates of ours on that ship have either quit or been fired. apparently it's not quite as good as this ship.

we had lunch at ruby tuesdays. i had a bowl of soup. this medicine has me so loopy i think it took me fifteen minutes to complete sentences. regardless, it'll be the last time we see each other for six months although we're both in hawaii and work for the same company.

hawaii is entering into its winter months, which is getting aggravating. the days, although they're warm, are cloudy and the seas are rough. last night, i didn't eat before i took my medicine so i was naseous a bit while the ship was rockin' and rollin'. not fun there for a while.

finally, vicki ordered room service (we have the hook-up), which turned out to be a grilled cheese and onion rings. not what i really wanted but it worked.

apparently, my name is on the 'sick list' in the galley. a classmate told me that last night when he asked how i was doing. i assumed it was like the 'prayer list' at church. anyway, i could have been calling - or my manager could have been calling - for room service for me this whole time.

i know now. and they will come. they will come to my door. no more getting dressed and walking to the back of the ship for me.

our intenerary has changed this week so after today, we're following a different schedule. too many ships in hawaii and not enough ports or ones that are big enough for this big 'ole hunk a' metal.

still not smoking! everyone was smoking in the cabin last night and the smell was wonderful yet at the same time i wanted them to quit. i've done quite well, i think.

tim... i got your message. thanks for calling. i'll call you back but presently -- this goes for everyone -- my battery is messed up on my phone. it's not holding a charge as it should so i'm getting maybe twenty minutes of talk time from it. there's a sprint store on maui, so...

thanks, everyone for your concern and prayers. i know some of you were really worried while others hoped i'd hurt like hell... i've done really well, haven't had any pain. the stitches are holding up and my jaws, i guess, look good. no dry sockets and no bleeding.

we have crew drill soon. i better go shower and change from this tee shirt and wind pants. otherwise, i'll look plain dumb. -er.

one t

if you can read this...

if you're reading this, please take the time to sign in as a contributor. you can do that by clicking on the comment link below this paragraph and typing in your e-mail.

i'll send you the page to sign up from there. i'd like to keep up with all of you who are keeping up with me while i'm half a world away!

one t

weird dreams... and protein shakes.

i've had the weirdest dreams the past 24 hours. of course, i've been asleep on pain pills most of that time. i'll sleep for a couple hours, wake up and drink water or soup then go back to sleep for a couple more hours. i think i'm awake now.

i'm drinking a protein shake right now. not soup. breakfast will be served soon so i'm gonna try to eat some oatmeal. that's what i want. we'll see. i just realized i have stitches in my mouth. i was trying to pull one out thinking that it was zuchinni from the soup my roommate brought me last night. i know, it's gross. shut up.

anyway... about the dreams. i was at jamie's house but it was in new york. i just got out of the shower and hadn't dressed when i noticed the neighbor was staring out of her window. upon closer glance, it was brewer turley's mom! she just waved at me. weird.

so then i continue to get ready while yelling to the next room about what had just happened. jamie just replied, 'yeah, i know. she does it to me all the time.'

then the weird part: he said, 'i just break off my kit-kat and give her a break, give her a break...'

his kit-kat is, well, his... kit-kat.

totally effin' weird.

then... i dream that i'm sitting on a cloud teaching school. i'm evil, though, because when one gets the question wrong, they fall.

paging someone stat. my head is spinning and not in the right direction.

these must be good meds.

and i know i am not being grammatically correct. sue me. i'm not awake.

they're outta here!

i just woke up. mashed potatoes for dinner suck. cherry pie is great but way too sweet to eat. it caused my mouth to hurt for the first time today. i quit eating so it doesn't hurt anymore.

i wish that there was a contraption that could record my thoughts (most times). when i sat in the dentist chair this morning, my mind went to work. i was writing in my head already. it'd be so convenient if my thoughts just immediately appeared on paper. where's harry potter?

anyway... this is some of what i thought.

the view was magnificent. the office is located on the second floor of the medical building and overlooks the lush green mountains of kauai. at times, helicopters flutter by but the brilliant blue sky dominates the window.

i could hear only the flow of nitrous gas and crystal's southern voice, both of which kept me calm. as time passed, the nose piece got heavier and heavier causing me to be uncomfortable. my arms and hands were too heavy - and too relaxed - to adjust it.

the voices in the waiting room and in the hall eventually disappeared but i was still aware of what was going on. a few times, i almost went into panic. my mind... being what it is... was racing, thinking, 'what if you can feel it but can't move or say anything?' it could happen. only a fleeting thought, though, and it didn't happen today.

my tongue felt like a cinder block and my lip like the short bus. as the dentist worked on the right side, i felt coolness on the left. i said something to him but it came out like pig latin. i didn't worry about saying anymore and he just went back to work.

since there were nine teeth to take out... and since i didn't have anything to do... i tried to keep up with the dentist and his progress. i couldn't.

i was trying to watch to see what he was doing, to watch the tools. i wish i had a video of the procedure. i bet it'd be cool. especially one of the teeth, which cracked loudly like a pine tree being harvested... right before the lumberjack yells, 'timber!' i'm definitely a boy... it was cool.

so, here i sit. toothless. somewhat, at least. but, when the last tooth was taken out this morning, you wouldn't believe the relief i felt. it really was a great feeling. i didn't know it was the last but the moment it came out, my body relaxed on it's own. i don't know if it was my subconscience or what... but it felt nice.

i came back to the ship and got my medicine, then headed for bed. that's where i spent my day until now.

and now that's where i'm going, again.

back from the dentist... it's a small world.

i have to be back at the dentist at 8:30 in the morning. i showed my butt (imagine that) because they didn't want to see me at ten when i finally made it to the office... it wasn't my fault.

anyway, they took x-rays and found out some rather crazy stuff. apparently, i have a severe infection along my lower jaw, which has damaged nine of my lower teeth beyond repair. they have to come out. in the morning. fun.

as bad as the news is... (there's so much i'd love to say right here...) i'm glad this work will be done. and for several reasons.

the main reason is my health. the dentist, who could not have been nicer and more helpful, stressed that the infection could have easily lead to a heart-attack or even stroke. even at 26. the chest pains i get periodically could be attributed to my teeth, he said. your mouth, according to him, leads to your heart, so take care of it.

next, the ship will be taking care of a large majority of the work, including all those extractions tomorrow. the only thing i'll pay is for the nitrous gas. i'll gladly pay for it. give me a double dose.

then back to health... he says my problem with weight is probably directly related to my teeth. with the infection gone (the x-rays are cool!), my body will be completely healthy and can do its thang! maybe i'll finally get to the 160 i've been reaching for.

and, of course, with my not smoking, that is only better. this really is, i tell you, gonna be my year.

small world, too. the assistant, crystal, is from north carolina (wilmington) and her grandmother lives in blakely, georgia. she said she was just there for a funeral. weird, huh? she's here with her husband (both she and he are gorgeous) who is in the coast guard.

apparently, some nineteen-year-old girl named jennifer from atlanta is also in the coast guard... crystal obviously didn't realize how big atlanta is when she asked if i knew her (with no last name)... or take in the age difference.

so, i went to borders and stocked up on magazines to read. i figure i won't be doing too much more than laying in bed taking care of myself. where's martha?

there's a particular magazine i found call dna. it's awesome. nothing but underwear and swimsuits but in a magazine format.

speaking of magazines, scot e-mailed me about writing articles for his wedding magazine. he's mailing me one and will be sending me the topics/info to put together. that'll be a little extra money, too.

alright. i'm going to my room. i have to go see the ship doc at four to get my penicillin and pain medicine.

they just set red zone... about time.

i have to be at the dentist at 8:30. it's now 8:14. i still have to take a cab to the office, wherever that might be. and they still have to park this damn ship in a tiny bay at the base of a mountain. should be fun.

if i miss my appointment, i'm going to be pissed. that said, i'll leave it at that.

no message from tom on whether his mmd card came in. he did not know when he left a four-minute voice mail yesterday. he was rambling about piney point life, people leaving, people he began to like... stuff just like i went through, although i was able to leave in three weeks flat.

i need to call fed-ex today. just a note for myself.

haha. i'm getting old and can't remember stuff. haha.

this cruise has been amazing. i've had some of the best guests! great tips, too.

i talked to mrs. rhonda yesterday. was nice to hear her voice although it's a bit shaken right now. she's an awesome, strong woman though. she'll be just fine. i'll do what it takes (within my power) to make sure she is. she's jone of three women i care the world about.

hmmm... i'm wasting time and minutes again.

how's atlanta? cold? i never hear from you bitches. you just read this and never post. get all your answers here, huh? hear ye, hear ye.

i'm not homesick, per se, yet but i do miss so much about home. friends, first, of course. then the bars (imagine that). not the weather. certainly not the weather now.

i miss being able to hop in a vehicle and go somewhere... anywhere. i miss being able to use the phone all the time. it's so damn random now. especially with this schedule.

i miss my loft. my bed. my fish! how are they, by the way? i haven't heard from them in a while.

i guess i need to run.

oh... the smoking thing is going awesome. i started to have a cigarette yesterday while i was on the phone with leslee but she scolded me. i didn't smoke it and haven't had one yet! she's not stealing my thunder but she said she was quitting with me. i hope so.

if you see her with one, let me know. i'll scold her back.

love you all... going to change for the dentist. what shall i wear?

i have my phone back...

i got it this morning...

2006 :: year of mathew

i was thinking earlier... sometimes i do that... and i thought about me. i do that a lot, too.

but, i thought... ya know, things are going really well for me right now. they are.

one might imagine they aren't. there's the situation with my vehicle, which i've decided is not worth an effort to worry or fight. then there's the fact that i'm five time zones away from absolutely everyone i care for and love minus about five people.

then there's the fact that i'm stuck on a ship, sort of...

but things are awesome. my head is clear. my direction is mapped. my goals are within reach or have been attained. it's really all coming together.

for the positive things... i've stuck to my 'six month promise' to myself except for one person, twice. (mistake, which pisses me off but i still held out and continue to...) i haven't had a cigarette in two days. i've taken my vitamins and had a shake for the past week. and, i have a dentist appointment thursday.

i'm gonna be whole again, dorothy. the wizard is gonna give me that brain i've needed, replenish my heart and grant me the courage to keep going. i know it.

it's my year, damnit. i'm taking advantage of it.

meanwhile, i'm going to find a phone to call connie, a cab driver who has my phone. apparently i left it in her cab today.

tonight was fun...

i've mentioned justin before... he's my friend that i met as a roommate at piney point. he's the most intelligent, stupid, silly, funny, complex person i've ever met.

after we got off work tonight, which was around 2:30, we stayed in the pantry drinking and did nothing but listen to him talk. he's so random. he's so out there. all you can do is laugh. at some points, especially since he is my roommate, i just want to say, "shut the hell up." but all you can do is laugh.

so, that is what we did.

it's almost five a.m.here. i'm contemplating staying awake so i can eat breakfast. this new schedule it taking some getting-used-to. i wake up around noon ( i don't eat for a while) then have dinner around four and work until two a.m. so, i don't eat but once a day.

i have my shake and vitamins but i am starving. i have my oreos... speaking of which, THANK YOU, marcus for the cookies, chocolates and batteries... they'll all come in handy! i also have the chips, chocolates, ramen noodles... all that. it's just not the same.

oh, leslee... still no gift from you. is it on 'back-order' or did you really send it? i expected it saturday but didn't get it.

hmmm... without smoking (a whole day down without a cigarette!) i have nothing more to do but go to sleep... that's where i shall go.

night. morning. or afternoon.

one t.

i'm gonna quit smoking.

happy new year chicks and dicks.

i was able to call many of you today and wish you blessings over the phone. if i didn't, i apologize.

i've made only a few resolutions, which are to quit smoking, gain weight... and most importantly, apply what i've learned and will certainly continue to learn on this journey into practice.

all of this will only make me a better person for myself and those around me.

hope it works.