happy easter, i guess.

it's more of an emotional easter. whew.

let me begin by saying that i had such a wonderful time today. all the family was home with the exception of three - amazing, since i have a very large extended family. we do it that way.

we started off with sunrise services to which we were late. only by a bit, though. we had not gone to bed until late and with this sinus craziness, i could not sleep well. about the time the sheep stopped jumping over the bed, the monkees in the alarm clock starting banging the cymbals.

i drove next to ninety all the way to baker county, normally a thirty minute trip, beginning at 6:50. glad the troopers and good 'ole boys were fixin' their coffee an scavanging for their morning doughnut.

sunrise service is normally so cold or at least that is how i remember it. today was different. i think it was about sixty degrees.

the ladies of the church prepared breakfast for us, which was delicious. bacon, eggs, grits and biscuits. afterwards i had to take a friend of my cousins home so he could be with his family... i only had to go because alex and dylan wanted to drive. the condition was if i said yes. they're uncle clint's son's - he was my uncle who died early of cancer when alex was three and dylan ten months. how could i say no? they're my pride!

alex is older and i think he wants to be a ghetto dale earnhardt. i had to remind him that he'd just totaled a car - he's 17 - a couple years ago on this same road, speeding. dylan drove back... and told me he was only 14 after driving about a mile down the road. nice.

back at church, we waited for sunday school to finish. the church is in the real, real backwoods of baker county. just a little white country church that my family has gone to all my life. in fact, the congregation is probably eighty percent kin.

it was nice to see everyone... nice to be back in church. but it didn't last long. well, it was still nice but...

you may remember my grandmother passing away in december 2004. if you were around, you know how it affected me. i thought i was through the mourning or the crying or whatever stage but realized today that i still miss that dynamic woman like crazy.

ya see, she had a voice only rivaled by angels. it's bass rattled windows and opened hearts. it rang through the small wood-paneling church like silk. i loved it and it's a sound as common as the piano on sunday mornings. you knew my nannie was in church.

i thought about her, of course. sunrise services were held in the cemetary adjacent to her, my dad and pa pa's graves. it's in stone, literally, right there. hard not to think about it. but it wasn't until we began to sing 'the old rugged cross' that i lost it.

i made it through the first verse and was into the chorus when i looked over where she normally sat and then at the song book and realized that this was the part when she'd sing the backup. the building might as well have been silent 'cause it was to me.

i tried to compose myself. i swallowed hard. tried to keep singing but the words wouldn't come out. the more i tried to sing, the harder the tears flowed. it was natural and there was nothing i could do to stop it. not that i really wanted to but i didn't want to be a basket-case there easter morning. at the funeral, i was nothing less.

so... i gave jennifer the song book (i think) and walked out. as luck would have it, the pastor called for 'fellowship' where you shake everyone's hand you haven't seen or welcome others or what-have-ya. several people came outside so i pretended to blow my nose. well, no, i did. but i was crying and really wanted to be alone.

jennifer, being the awesome friend she is, came to check on me, which i appreciate... and then aunt joyce came out. well, we both embraced and just cried. she said they did that often. that they remember nannie, too. and sometimes it's hard. today was one of those days.

i composed myself and made it back although i still couldn't sing. i just couldn't. i don't know that i'll ever be able to walk in that church and sing without hearing her voice. it's just not 'church' anymore without her.

unfortunately, i cannot tell you what the preacher talked about but it had something to do with easter, i'm certain.

after church, we met at aunt bebe's, who is actually nannie's sister. it won't be long, we fear, that she, too, will pass. she's not doing well at all. her husband, uncle ben, is not doing well either.

seems the whole family is having issues as my uncle had a stroke last week and my cousin - only 35 - was diagnosed with a termianl illness. talk about a draining weekend.

in all this, one might see despair but instead i saw just how close our family really is. i miss being a day-to-day part of it. when it comes down to it, there is not one person in our family, extended or not, that wouldn't be there for another. prayer is rampant. and even in all this sickness and sadness, rooms are brightened by smiles. it's amazing. it's also another legacy of my nannie. she had a beautiful smile and a hearty laugh.

we went by to see angie and her mom for a bit before heading to sale city. of course, we had to rehash some high school memories and even some after high school memories. oh my.

on to my mom's... went better than i thought but not as good as i expected. does that make sense? i didn't talk to my aunt other than to say that i was good when she asked me how i was doing after an hour or so of being there. i intended not to speak.

as i told my mom when she told me i should speak, i'm just not ready. i'm not going to play the she should speak first or all those games... but i'm not ready to talk. if i do, i'm afraid that what i might say might be more malicious than constructive so i'll wait. if it's wrong, then i am. but, that's me.

charles was there in his throne. didn't have much to say to him, either.

contrary, my mother and i talked while i ate and enjoyed leah's company for a bit. the food was amazing and something i've missed as well. the cousins and stuff were there as well but i didn't really associate with them before so not talking and hanging out with them was not abnormal.

i napped in the recliner for about an hour before i woke up to my brother prodding me in the side. i don't know why folks like to bother me - and take pictures of me - while i'm asleep.

trying my best to put all this behind me, i asked my mom to come outside to talk. she and i sat outside in the swing and talked for more than hour. just what i've wanted. her answers weren't magic and mine weren't soothing but we're communicating. we're making baby steps and are approaching a brisk walk but it's going to take time.

i won't discuss all the we talked about but it dealt a lot with my coming out to her. i wanted to make sure she was doing well with it, that she had someone to talk to and to let her know that i was willing to be open to her if she had questions.

it's this mom that i miss when she gets in her moods - perhaps that's where i get my moods and 'mathew days' from. i just like it when she stays like this. maybe if we continue to be open, it will.

on to other things... christine is returning from florida tomorrow so i'm meeting her after getting some trade at the truck stop on one of the exits off interstate 75 so i can ride back with her. thanks, by the way! she'll get to meet jennifer, too, which should be fun.

i've got a house listing on myrtle that i plan to look at this week, too, so perhaps i'll be in a place before weeks end or soon after. we'll see!

things are looking up and, although a bit sad and concerned, i had a very invigorating, fun, inspiring, awesome time this weekend.

i'll try to live by this and will ask you, too... do what it takes to keep your friends and family. don't compromise yourself but realize that they're not forever. it hurts when they're gone.