about to head to bed in the big easy

the big easy was a little slow tonight. yet, i had fun, as usual. patrick and i went to the pub and oz. i was dancing when what out of my wondering eyes did appear? nothing other than mr. carey, boss to the the best booty bouncers in atlanta. seems he's here for a conference. brent was in tampa the other night. do i have stalkers?

new orleans is so fun. inexpensive alcohol. fun bars. but at the same time, i wouldn't want to live here.

first, it's a dirty city. at least what i've seen of it. and it always has that tourist feel to it. there's nothing homey about it. even those few that are from there don't have cliques or groups. it's just random drunk people.

i digress.

i'm ready to be home. i just want to let my bed consume me and stay there til i'm in a better mood. between debt and deciding what to do about work, i'm mentally drained. it seems a partner would be a help but at the same moment it's a burden on those i meet. i feel like when i try to tell someone who i am, it's all this dramatic shit that everyone else has under control.

i digress, again.

i've had sort of an epiphany, though. it's march but i have a few resolutions.

in order to date, my life must be in order. to accomplish that, i'm making a few commitments. and i'm putting them here so all can see and know whether i'm being the person i want to be.

i must get back into the gym. i must begin to eat, and eat better. it's too often that i skip meals. not on purpose but just because my mind wanders so much. i will save money. no more than five drinks on nights i go out, preferably three.

i have to finish painting my loft. i need to make a budget -- and stick to it. my credit report must have my attention. i need to take time for my friends. that's the most important. there are three who called today, all of which i avoided. no harm for them... just not in the mood to talk. i should never be like that.

i guess what's going on is that i'm well aware of who i am and how good that person is. i don't want to sound conceited, but i am a bit. moreso, though, i am confident. i've been on the mountain top before. i know what it takes and i'm not doing it.

in the words of my step-father... god-forbid i give him credit for anything... i need to stop trying to get everyone to feel sorry for me. i don't try. i expect them to. i expect them to know what i've been through and what a struggle i face. i expect some sympathy. i really do. it's selfish, and i am.

wow... i feel good but feel bad. i need to go to the doctor. eyes. ears. teeth. i want to rest. just go to the park. hang out.

my time off is still work. my life is like a small business and it's as if i'm out of the office five days a week and have to do all my catch-up on the weekends. my friends are like my children whom i neglect. my emotions are on a roller coaster. minute by minute.

i have this weird sixth sense. don't laugh because i really believe it. you know how when you're around people, if they're sad, you become. or if they're upbeat, you are.

well, i'm that way with peoples emotions. i really feel a supernatural, almost, connection with peoples emotions. i have always lived my life for others, as i was reared. i put other peoples emotions first, almost always.

i need to start standing up for myself. i'll fight in a minute if i have to. i will punch you in your face. you'll heal. but i'll hold my tongue for years if i risk breaking your heart. i believe that's admirable and one of my best qualities. but it's become a cancer. it's become my worst fear.

when... not if... i press post on this, i will be so proud of myself. i need to get this out. i have wonderful friends i could talk to. but i have to be strong. or i feel that way. and i don't like people to see me be weak. i write. it's my release. it's here.

i have to stick to it. i don't need a father. mother. nor a guardian. friends who encourage me to do better. remind me, not sarcastically, that i have goals. how am i doing? tell me, i'm going to help in this way. don't ask me. i don't know how to help my self sometimes and others i have every answer i need, regardless of whether i follow.

i'm working on a better mathew. i have goals. and to get there, i have to be here. in the present. physically and emotionally healthy. i begin now.