don't know when i'll be back again!
i got the call today (in the middle of breaking down our booth at the expo!) that i will be leaving for training... friday, as in next week. i'm stoked but - wow - such short notice. i plan to work on arrangements for my going-away party soon. tentatively, i think it'll be wednesday. if i want you to come, you'll receive an e-vite or a phone call.
i'm really excited about this opportunity. i felt good about it when i saw the ad in the paper and put all my effort into it. now that training is coming up, i'm even more excited for the challenge ahead. i always wanted to be a flight attendant and was successful. i can't say that i ever wanted to work on a cruise ship but my goal is to be successful in it as well.
everyone always asks how long 'this job' will last. that, i can't guarantee. being gone for five months at a time is going to be different and hard, i'm sure. but there are so many more pros than cons that i'm going for it. it'll give me time to work on my book, earn great money and pay off bills here... if everything goes as i hope, i'll be doing great this time next year.
i'll be in training in maryland for three, possibly four weeks. i fly there next friday, probably in the morning. after that (when i graduate, not if) i will be given options as to when i'd like to board the ship. my contact today told me, though, not to be too content on it being more than a few days. so, this week is possibly my last week in georgia until april.
i'm in south georgia now... i'm leaving here monday (possibly sunday)... then i'll be gone friday. wow.
in other news... the expo is over. more than 200,000 people attended and eye candy was everywhere. even in midtown, i don't think i've seen as many pink shirts on guys as i did this week. they were everywhere. not a problem, just an observation.
i was paid handsomely for my work... but it's going to pay for two tickets i got. one was in alabama and another somewhere here in georgia on i-75. i don't remember. i have to have that done before i can complete u.s. coast guard training. ugh.
oh... get this: i can't bring any suitcases on board. just two duffle bags, which collapse. the contents can't weigh more than fifty pounds each. is that possible?
i'm at leslee and jennifer's. mr. vaughn grilled steak just like i wanted. mrs. rhonda cooked some vegetables to go along and we all had dinner tonight. i'm proud that i am in south georgia to get to see them all... my sista's are definitely two people i'm going to miss tremendously while i'm gone.
i don't know if anyone told my mother i was in town but she called today. as usual, i didn't answer. it's not time, yet. anyway... she said, 'mathew, this is mama. i love you. (i) just called to tell you that." weird. not that she said it but she just called out of the blue.
in the past two years, that's only the second time she's 'just called.' every other time, which has been very few, she's called to remind me that my blazer payment was past due... that's a whole 'nother story in itself.
i'm not ready to talk to her. she cannot just call me and expect me to not still be hurt. she can't just waltz back into my mentally-improved life and expect me to say 'it's alright' again. it's going to take more than a phone call.
on the ride home, i pondered that. if i say it's going to take more, what is that more? how is she supposed to know if i don't? what am i supposed to do about it? am i right by avoiding her? so many questions, so little answers. i just pray. i ask god to give me guidance, strength and, someday, both of us understanding, peace and reconciliation.
i don't need to spend all my time on here. jennifer and leslee are watching television so i'm going to go join them.
24 comments:
What if your mother is gone when you get back from your cruise. Can you put your bruised ego aside and go see her?
Or does she have to be punished some more?
is she was gone tomorrow, although i'd not be happy, i am content with my decision.
if you really knew me and knew my life, you'd understand where i am coming from no matter whether you condoned my actions.
it's not your questions that dictate my decisions. i'm way ahead of you, believe me.
ok then how many times in your life have you actually gone to someone (as opposed to them making an effort to see you?) and said "im sorry" and meant it?
Many, trust me.
Oops! Is this the same person who gives his "all" to everyone - house painting, playgrounds, etc., etc., yet your poor mother has to wait until YOU make the determination as to when is the right time to forgive and forget? I hope that whatever she did warrants your indifference and childish pouting. What if your mother dies while you are away? Since you are content with your "decision," I suppose it will be o.k. because it's ALL ABOUT YOU, isn't it? No matter how wonderful YOU think you are, you are pathetic and need professional help. O.K. I'm sorry your mother gave you away at birth and you were raised by wolves, but I'm sure she regrets it ---- but, maybe not.
As long as you can answer to God how you could let your mother die with your nose in the air. After all it is all about you anyway.
jenn, wish some of us could say the same.
As long as he can face his God, leave him alone. - The Reverend Anon
I have to say that I agree about the whole Mother "thing". Why do you insist that she is the only one in the wrong? There is not a single person who is, or ever will be perfect. Oh, alomost forgot-yes, there is. His name is Mat. All of the good things that you do must magically erase any bad in your life. You ARE selfish! You can be less than a block from your mother and not even stop by. Why couldn't you answer that phone call? Were you scared that you would still care? Maybe you were afraid that she would tell you what you don't want to hear.That was your pride. You are never wrong. You were always the mistreated child, weren't you? No one ever loved you and no one ever helped you. If you think, you haven't gotten anywhere in your life without someone. I see you call Leslee and Jenn your sistas. Don't you think they and their parents have loved you and helped you in life? Of course you don't, you did it all by yourself. What about your Grandmother? What we she say? Stop and think why people are so upset with you, Mat. People do love you and you do do great things. You just don't know when to keep your mouth shut and let your pride go. I imagine that you have really hurt your Mother and maybe that's why she hasn't called you more. Does she even know what she has done wrong? Why should she have to "beg" your forgiveness? Why can't you bend a little? I hope you think long and hard about the effects that your actions have on your mother...and the rest of your family for that matter. I agree 100% that God watches everything everywhere. What will you say IF you make it to the pearly gates?
Wrong Jenn asshole.
did you honestly think he'd know what he was talking about, jennifer?
no one has insisted that my mother is the only one who is wrong. believe me, i've not been the perfect son. you already knew that, though, didn't you?
to say that i am selfish is an understatement. that i am. it comes from being a spoiled child. however, in addition to my being selfish, i am also very compassionate and giving. obviously, though, you're someone with whom i'm not and you're jealous and/or mad.
i certainly can be less than a block from my mother and not stop by. i have the option not to answer my phone and i exercise that.
was i scared that i still care? absolutely not. i know beyond a shadow-of-a-doubt that i still care about my mother. i love her. that doesn't change the years of neglect, though. that doesn't change the years of putting me second or not at all. that doesn't change her not showing she cared. not showing interest in my life.
as jennifer so bluntly put it, wrong jenn, asshole. if you knew as much as you believed, you'd realize jenn is an ex-girlfriend... my 'sista' jennifer hasn't weighed in on your comments. at least not on here.
you asked what my grandmother wqould say. if it were any of your business, i'd tell you what she, in fact, did say. before she died, she knew my decision. she supported my decision and encouraged me to pray about, which is what i constantly do. each night when i pray, it is my mother who i ask god to bless and watch over first.
i realize people love me. i've never doubted that. but why and when i should keep my mouth shut, i'm not sure what you're talking about.
i imagine, too, that i probably hurt my mother if, in fact, she knew i was in town. however, that's something she has to deal with the same as i have to deal with her coming to atlanta to pick up my brother from the airport and refusing to even have a bite to eat before she leaves.
believe you me, she knows what's she's done wrong. there has been more than one occasion when she and have discussed my feelings yet to no avail. i've bent all i can and am willing to bend. i'm in the middle. it's time she met me there.
lastly, i will make it to heaven. what i do when i get there is beyond my imagination.
Not really but as God's apprentice as he portrays himself to be, I would expect a little more effort on who exactly it was that he is talking about. And selfish? Selfish is giving this oh so great advice and not having the guts to talk to a friend about things that you find to be wrong. Selfish is you, that person that says that they are a friend and yet it's probably someone who is kind and generous to his face and then runs home to log on and bash him in his blog. Everyone is selfish at some point or another. Who are you to question his intentions and reasons for not answering his phone or going to visit his mom? This shit is getting so monotonous and repetitive that it's not even funny. No one give a shit about you or your almighty perspective on how you think other people's lives should be. You speak of God and his likes and dislikes and what he does and doesn't do and yet YOU judge people. Does God like that? Mat has flaws just like every other human being on this earth. Including you, reverend. You just decide not to make yourself known. What would people say about you? Would they have the balls to do it to your face? Would they be the type of friends that critique your life to no end?
I really don't think you want some of the things you have done to your mother published. Believe me, there are many who know, and it ain't pretty.
honestly, i don't want anything published about my mother. my decision is mine... and our relationship is ours. it is between two people. you're not included in that.
but should you decide to publish whatever you think you know, do as you wish. seems you've taken over anyway.
don't be fooled, though. you do not have the upper hand. i always win. you should know that.
don't be stupid.
you know, there is one susupected person who i believe is an anonymous poster.
i will not write names, as i cannot be certain it is this person.
however, i will say that this person overdosed his mother on morpheine, causing her death.
keep playing...
You can judge people for leaving comments all you want. I am not perfect. I never said I was. I care for Mat and his mother's realtionship. I've seen how both of them hurt. If you are so close to Mat JENN, then you would encourage Mat to make amends. His mother never intended for him to feel neglected in his life. Hell, she had six children! Not everyone can get the same amount of attention. He never did without. I know that for a fact!!! Wonder if Mat has ever thought that maybe his siblings have/had some of those same feelings? What about his brother John? Things could always be worse. Mat is a very loving and compassionate person, but ignoring your roots is not right. Mat is not some big bad person, I just don't agree with all the decisions he has made regarding his mother. Yes, I'm sure he doesn't agree with mine. That is what makes everyone different. It just kills me how arrrogant he can be. I will not be a kiss ass to his face and then be an ass behind his back. I can, will, and have said things of this nature to his face. If the anonymous posts aren't a bother to Mr. Mathew, why worry about finding out who it is? Look up my IP address. Who gives a crap? Call me or come by and I will say the same to your face!
By the way Mat, you really do need to think about the things you've done in your past. EVERYONE has skeletons in their closet. Don't think people don't know.
i'll say this once again. if you care so much, then why not say these things to my face. why are you attacking me and attempting to embarass me publicly?
since you've seen how both me and my mother hurt, have you also told her these things? have you held her accountable for the things she's done to me?
my mother did have six children... however, one died and another - john - went to live with his dad. there were only four in our house. certainly all can't have the same amount of attention. that's even less when you allow your nephew, brother-in-law, and at least three different men to live under your roof and take the rooms of your children. did you seem to forget that?
have i ever wondered if my siblings thought the same? absolutely, dumb ass. i'm certain john feels the exact same or probably worse. g is in the same boat. d/l got and continue to get everything they want so i doubt they've ever thought twice about it.
i am in no way ignoring my roots. there has been more than once that i've acknowledged i am my mother's son. the compassion you speak of comes directly from my mother. she is a woman who has almost literally given someone the shirt off her back. i learned my compassion from seeing that.
what you fail to realize is that i love my mother. i do not hate her at all. however, my mother has not lived up to her title. she has put many other before me. she has left me at college to rot. she neglected my whole high school life and activities. she will have to acknowledge that she was not there for me and apologize before i will have a relationship with her again.
i have already done my part. she and i have had conversation after conversation to no avail. she says she knows and will change but doesn't. she wouldn't even call my house during college. she'd lie and say it was busy yet we had call waiting and very rarely used the phone...
the only problemw with calling you or stopping by... you're such a coward, i have no clue where that'd be or what number to dial. perhaps you can give that to me and i will.
i know what i've done in the past... i'm not ashamed of any of it. i do have skeletons in my closet by some peoples standards.
however, as i've said over and over: i'm happy with who i am. nothing scares me, not even your threats about skeletons in my closet. besides, it's almost halloween. bringing them out would just be decorations.
Mat, have you answered the phones other times when your mother has called? I would say probably not. How can someone make amends when you won't allow communication?
Also, I think it is pretty shitty how you talk about your siblings. Bet you don't even keep in touch with them. When was the last time you exchanged an email, snail mail, or phone call with one of them? I bet it's beacuse they haven't called you. Well guess what ass, because you are so "secretive" of your life, they don't even know where the hell you are or what you're doing. Pretty fucked up. Family was supposed to be one thing you cherished. Just because you think that some of the kids got more than you, you'll just say screw them. Real big person. Think back Mat, there were lots of times that you got the things you wanted. I think I also remember that no one ever turned you away when you were pissed off and didn't want to go home. But whatever, Mat. No one will ever get through to you. You won't change at all. And that's okay. Some people will love you regardless. Some will hate you regardless.
i answered the phone when my mother called up until she began harassing me about late car payments, which, by the way, began when she misappropriated money i gave her to pay them.
but, yes, i've answered the phone.
pretty shitty is a good way to describe things, i'd say. pretty shitty is also the way we were raised. being raised to compete against each other and know that you'll never live up to d/l... yeah, that was pretty shitty.
the last time, smart ass, that i exchanged an e-mail/phone call/snail mail was with l some time back. i'm not sure.
what you fail to realize is that i don't believe they have to make the first step. what i believe is that i am tired of doing it all myself. i called d while he was in iraq. the phone sat silent after we talked about uga football because, although we were brothers, that's all we had in common.
j didn't grow up with us and is basically a stranger.
what do you want me to do?
i'm not so "secretive" of my life as you claim. it's lived out in the open in atlanta every day i breathe. i still reside at the address i gave to my mother when i moved in... she still has my phone number. and her ignorant husband still has my e-mail.
family is something you're supposed to cherish, anon, but it has to be a family first. i can't make it though, although i've tried all my life.
and i don't think about the other children (kids are baby goats, by the way) getting more: i know they did. let's not get into how.
people will always love me. i know that.
and, people will always hate me, i know that.
it's finally at this time in my life that i'm comfortable with those facts and can accept it with no problem.
You can't even be aman and say "Mom, I'm gay" You need to think that your life is and has been lots better than others. Maybe your siblings dislike the fact that they never had a family vacation either.
i can be a man and say whatever i want.
mom, i'm gay. there, you happy?
i'm not scared of who i am. perhaps if i had never heard her say all gay people should get aids and die, i'd be a little less apprehensive.
perhaps if i wasn't in her midst when she told of leaving a resaurant because she perceived a server was gay, i wouldn't be so apprehensive.
i'm sure my siblings dislike parts of their childhood, too. however, that is their feelings and they choose to deal with them the way they wish.
because i have made the decisions i've chosen doesn't make me wrong.
by the way... here's the latest e-mail i sent to leah. she was the only one who sent me anything for my birthday.
my perpetually sick mother was in the bed, again, and had charles call to tell me she said happy birthday.
Date: Wed, 27 Jul 2005 11:15:59 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Mathew Palmer"
Subject: thanks!
To: "froglee"
thanks leah! i chose the cash, of course. the sports car wouldn't be bad, either. i prefer an suv if you're buying, though. ; )
i won't be too bad this weekend. leslee came up this weekend along with some other friends so we partied hard and had a good time. i'm off this weekend so there are even more plans. we're doing a dinner mystery murder theatre tomorrow then bars and the lake the rest of the weekend. i'm sure i'll have fun.
write me back and fill me in on how you're doing in school. i'm proud of you!
one t
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